On the subject of "no contact" in general.

[Depression = 72% of members]

On the subject of "no contact" in general. I'm in my 40s now and I suppose people who are in their early 30s and 20s live in a different world. From what I have heard when I have talked to younger people they are expected to remain friendly with their romantic partners after they have broken up, which often leads to blurred lines a relationships actually start and end. I imagine this can easily become problematic, especially if one part in the relationship was more dominant. A situation can occur when (for example) the girl can have "access" to guy even though they have broken up whenever she feels like it. If they guy gets a new girlfriend, it becomes difficult for her to ask him not to see his ex girlfriend (as "friends", because then she would come across as manipulative and possessive.

I don't think honesty about our motives is important. Why does she wants to be friends with you? And why is that so appealing to you?

Are you nursing a fantasy about a one-off dysfunctional relationship like in some movie?

And if you are going to entertain the notion that no contact is not the only answer, then ask yourself the question what function contact is having for you, and where it is taking you.

[hergestridge]

On the subject of "no contact" in general. I'm in my 40s now and I suppose people who are in their early 30s and 20s live in a different world. From what I have heard when I have talked to younger people they are expected to remain friendly with their romantic partners after they have broken up, which often leads to blurred lines a relationships actually start and end. I imagine this can easily become problematic, especially if one part in the relationship was more dominant. A situation can occur when (for example) the girl can have "access" to guy even though they have broken up whenever she feels like it. If they guy gets a new girlfriend, it becomes difficult for her to ask him not to see his ex girlfriend (as "friends", because then she would come across as manipulative and possessive.

I don't think honesty about our motives is important. Why does she wants to be friends with you? And why is that so appealing to you?

Are you nursing a fantasy about a one-off dysfunctional relationship like in some movie?

And if you are going to entertain the notion that no contact is not the only answer, then ask yourself the question what function contact is having for you, and where it is taking you.

[Suzn]

NC is a tool... for you. This is to be used when you need a period of time to get an emotional foothold... within yourself.

Many members find themselves emotionally distraught at the end of their relationships struggling to function. NC is not a tool to punish your ex, using NC in this manner is the silent treatment.

In more extreme cases such as domestic violence, false charges of domestic violence or any other false legal charges or where you may in fear for your life NC is an appropriate action, at least until your safety is established.

Trying to get someone to leave you alone is best accomplished using controlled contact. This is where you set times for contact and setting the duration of that contact. Stretching out more time between each communication. This helps to ease anxiety caused by fears of abandonment in both parties and possibly ease any actions that may otherwise be taken as a result of that anxiety. 

In my case there were documented death threats and people showing up at my home to do me harm. I contacted authorities and obtained a restraining order which addressed third party attempts at contact as well as a NC order between the two of us. I was not fearful of my ex, instead I was fearful of the influence she had over others. This situation may have been avoided had I known about controlled contact at the time.

[hergestridge]

Many members find themselves emotionally distraught at the end of their relationships struggling to function. NC is not a tool to punish your ex, using NC in this manner is the silent treatment.

But still... .punish your ex partner by not staying in touch? If your partner broke up with you and didn't stay in touch, would you feel "punished"?

How knee deep are we in fear, obligation and guilt?

[Suzn]

Many members find themselves emotionally distraught at the end of their relationships struggling to function. NC is not a tool to punish your ex, using NC in this manner is the silent treatment.

But still... .punish your ex partner by not staying in touch? If your partner broke up with you and didn't stay in touch, would you feel "punished"?

How knee deep are we in fear, obligation and guilt?

A lot of members do feel punished by the silent treatment, this is taking this action personally as anyone likely would. Most new members find us because they are well in over their heads in fear, obligation and guilt looking for solutions to alleviate their own abandonment anxiety. We all have fears of abandonment to a certain degree.

[hergestridge]

Many members find themselves emotionally distraught at the end of their relationships struggling to function. NC is not a tool to punish your ex, using NC in this manner is the silent treatment.

But still... .punish your ex partner by not staying in touch? If your partner broke up with you and didn't stay in touch, would you feel "punished"?

How knee deep are we in fear, obligation and guilt?

A lot of members do feel punished by the silent treatment, this is taking this action personally as anyone likely would. Most new members find us because they are well in over their heads in fear, obligation and guilt looking for solutions to alleviate their own abandonment anxiety. We all have fears of abandonment to a certain degree.

Yes, but isn't that what happens after you break up? You don't normally hang around and comfort each other. I'm not trying to be negative here, but I'm just trying to say that we do not owe our ex partners to stay in touch after we break up with them. A person with BPD does not handle a breakup very well and they will make it very difficult for you to leave them. Especially if you stay in touch.

I think a good advice would be to save your own skin first, if you can.

[Suzn]

Some people do stay in touch. It's a highly personal choice whether or not to remain in contact with an ex. Some people look to grow their communication skills in order to have more successful friendships after a breakup. This doesn't work for all, for some it does work. There are many members on the Staying board working to do just this.

You're right staying in touch can be very difficult however it is doable, if that is your choice. It is also healthy to take a break after a break up to give each other some space to grieve, a break up is a loss whether it is mutually agreed upon or not. The silent treatment is punitive, a mutually decided upon break to respect each other's grieving process is healthy. Since we are dealing with a disorder and in many cases issues (or twisted thinking) on our side as well this doesn't happen often. In other words, if these relationships were healthy we would not have a need for these boards to help us understand ourselves and our exs better. It takes two to tango.

Many members come here angry in the beginning, after a cooling off period they want to have contact. We see it all the time and we often direct these members to the Staying or Undecided boards to learn about the disorder and to learn about communication skills that are necessary for more successful interactions with a pwBPD. We try to help address emotional maturity on both sides as we are generally drawn to our emotional maturity equivalent.

NC is not a rule to adhere to in order to be a member of the Leaving board. There is no judgement here for members that want to keep in contact. Our mission at bpdfamily is to keep families together if possible. The mission of the Leaving board is to detach emotionally, not necessarily to detach completely and forever. There is no judgment for those who chose that route either.

[Reforming]

Some people do stay in touch. It's a highly personal choice whether or not to remain in contact with an ex. Some people look to grow their communication skills in order to have more successful friendships after a breakup. This doesn't work for all, for some it does work. There are many members on the Staying board working to do just this.

You're right staying in touch can be very difficult however it is doable, if that is your choice. It is also healthy to take a break after a break up to give each other some space to grieve, a break up is a loss whether it is mutually agreed upon or not. The silent treatment is punitive

Are you referring to NC? I accept that our circumstances and relationships are unique, but is it punitive to prioritise your own self care by avoiding contact with someone who has harmed you and is capable of harming you again? There are many here who got stuck because they struggled to do this.

Since we are dealing with a disorder and in many cases issues (or twisted thinking) on our side as well this doesn't happen often. In other words, if these relationships were healthy we would not have a need for these boards to help us understand ourselves and our exs better. It takes two to tango.

I accept that NONs are capable of splitting their exes black and that many of us need to work on ourselves but how does continued exposure to dysfunctional behaviour aid our healing?

Many members come here angry in the beginning, after a cooling off period they want to have contact. We see it all the time and we often direct these members to the Staying or Undecided boards to learn about the disorder and to learn about communication skills that are necessary for more successful interactions with a pwBPD. We try to help address emotional maturity on both sides as we are generally drawn to our emotional maturity equivalent.

Is this part of the detaching process. Radical acceptance is hard and sometime we need to go back a few times to realise that the disorder is real and that for many of us even our best efforts won't change that.

NC is not a rule to adhere to in order to be a member of the Leaving board. There is no judgement here for members that want to keep in contact. Our mission at bpdfamily is to keep families together if possible. The mission of the Leaving board is to detach emotionally, not necessarily to detach completely and forever. There is no judgment for those who chose that route either.

I completely agree that we shouldn't judge others for their choices - as you said it's a very personal decision and this board should be a safe place for everyone who wants to share their experience

[Panda39]

The no contact thing bothers me. Some of the posters here have the nerve to ask "why is my ex blowing up my phone" well, have a backbone and tell them how you feel in a controlled environment.

I think NC can be a good tool but it feels like some here use it as a punishment for their ex, or an endurance challenge not a tool for some separation between you and the ex or a way out of the FOG or putting distance between you and abuse all ways in which I think it could be helpful.

The key to it is (tell them) don't just up and disappear with no explanation. Once someone crosses that line they are no better than the abuser in my eyes. [/quote]
Hi Hurting300,

Ignore my last post... .it was late... .my whole post was highlighted... .I missed interpreted what you were responding to. 

Okay... .So we are talking about no contact... .right?

Whether or not to notify the person you are going no contact with or not.

That is a frequently asked question on these boards and I think it is a personal choice and depends on each person's situation, and the dynamic between them and the other person.  I hear you when you say that for you up and disappearing with no explanation is abusive and wrong.  But I see your point of view as only one point of view, not everyone is in the same situation, some people are so abused and beat down their whole life by an abusive parent it takes everything they have just to leave and having the discussion about why they are leaving when trying to leave could pull them right back into the abuse (FOG). In other words sometimes the situation has to be about you and even if hurtful it can't be about the other person.  I could argue that in some situations NC could be the expectation and there is no need for discussion.  I had someone cheat on me (broke my trust/crossed a huge boundary) we broke up then and there and no further contact was expected on either of or parts.  We went our separate ways.  Sometimes going NC is a gradual process by going low contact first and letting a relationship slowly end.  But again I can see your point of view particularly if you are in a relationship, think everything is fine and someone just disappears then NC = shock, lack of closure and pain.

I'm sure there are as many differing points of view on this topic as there are people on this site.  Your experience and belief system take you to the way you would handle this just as others use their experiences and belief systems to handle things in the way they must.  Whether to notify/explain why you go no contact is IMO not black or white.

[iwantnormal]

I'm in my early 30's. I can't remain friends after being involved with someone. I just can't. Maybe I have never met someone that I could do this with. But my ex's are my ex's. I need to move on. It's sad, because i want normal! But I guess I still don't know what normal means.

I've been NC for 2 days now.

I think the first question to ask is, what made me drawn to this person in the first place? It was her looks, it was the love she had to give. It was her nature. It was the escape from my sad life that she offered. It was the things she said that elevated me. I'm starting to realize that everything was about needing her to need me. I was drawn to her, because I felt I could depend on her for my own wants and needs in life. But that was the very problem! I've come to realize, that I alone am responsible for my own wants and needs. It's the biggest lesson I've learned in all this. Never depend on ANYONE to satisfy your own sexual pleasure, your life goals, and your general wants/desires in life. I am responsible for the sex I get, the work I do, the relationships I have, and the life I live. The rules are mine to make and break, nobody else's. With this mindset, I would not have been drawn to her to fill my needs in the first place!

The second question is this, why am I sometimes (like today strongly) drawn to contact her. Is it to ask how she is doing? Is it REALLY to ask how she is doing? Or is it to confirm and find out if all the things she said about me were true. The sex we had, the way I made her feel, the happiness and sadness we shared together. Yes, I want to know how she is doing. But deeper, I want to know if she still needs me. And on the surface, I hope she doesn't need me. On the surface, I hope she becomes stronger, and has a successful career of her own. But deeper, the real reason is contact her, to find out if she still needs me. And even deeper in my mind, I'm hoping that the answer to that question is a YES. And as long as this is the case - as long as I know that my need to contact her is fueled by my own insecurities, then I know that I cannot contact her.

Believe me. Only GOD knows how many times we've been on and off again. And 90% of the time, i'm the one who initiates. But in the past, before initiating, I haven't asked myself those deep questions. And the contact is always too soon, and for reasons that are subconscious.

There is another thread on this board, about how being with someone with BPD, going through the emotions, can teach us a lot about ourselves. I cannot agree more. Being self aware of your own emotions is a gift that anybody can practice, but not sure how many really do.

Yes, I want to contact her. But I know the reason why. And that's why I won't.

[Reforming]

I

I think the first question to ask is, what made me drawn to this person in the first place? It was her looks, it was the love she had to give. It was her nature. It was the escape from my sad life that she offered. It was the things she said that elevated me. I'm starting to realize that everything was about needing her to need me. I was drawn to her, because I felt I could depend on her for my own wants and needs in life. But that was the very problem! I've come to realize, that I alone am responsible for my own wants and needs. It's the biggest lesson I've learned in all this. Never depend on ANYONE to satisfy your own sexual pleasure, your life goals, and your general wants/desires in life. I am responsible for the sex I get, the work I do, the relationships I have, and the life I live. The rules are mine to make and break, nobody else's. With this mindset, I would not have been drawn to her to fill my needs in the first place!

The second question is this, why am I sometimes (like today strongly) drawn to contact her. Is it to ask how she is doing? Is it REALLY to ask how she is doing? Or is it to confirm and find out if all the things she said about me were true. The sex we had, the way I made her feel, the happiness and sadness we shared together. Yes, I want to know how she is doing. But deeper, I want to know if she still needs me. And on the surface, I hope she doesn't need me. On the surface, I hope she becomes stronger, and has a successful career of her own. But deeper, the real reason is contact her, to find out if she still needs me. And even deeper in my mind, I'm hoping that the answer to that question is a YES. And as long as this is the case - as long as I know that my need to contact her is fueled by my own insecurities, then I know that I cannot contact her.

Believe me. Only GOD knows how many times we've been on and off again. And 90% of the time, i'm the one who initiates. But in the past, before initiating, I haven't asked myself those deep questions. And the contact is always too soon, and for reasons that are subconscious.

There is another thread on this board, about how being with someone with BPD, going through the emotions, can teach us a lot about ourselves. I cannot agree more. Being self aware of your own emotions is a gift that anybody can practice, but not sure how many really do.

Yes, I want to contact her. But I know the reason why. And that's why I won't.

Great insights iwantnormal.   

[hurting300]

I am not saying "no contact" is unhealthy. It's how you START it. When you pick up and completely disappear without a word is where you have problems also.

[Bigmd]

Iwantnormal u said in the past you initiated contact, how long after the break was it? How did you do it?

[Rameses]

But deeper, the real reason is contact her, to find out if she still needs me. And even deeper in my mind, I'm hoping that the answer to that question is a YES. And as long as this is the case - as long as I know that my need to contact her is fueled by my own insecurities, then I know that I cannot contact her.

Yes, I want to contact her. But I know the reason why. And that's why I won't.

Great summary and very profound.

[hurting300]

When you BREAKUP with someone and you want them to leave you alone you tell them. Otherwise you have no legal basis for a protective order. Plus why would you vanish without a word? See that's my point. When you "BREAKUP" you have told them we are over. No contact is great in that sense. But to pack up and leave without a word or anything is you using silent treatment and well honestly why would they not try to find out what happened? Be the adult.