Coping with a 38 year old daughter w/ BPD.

[bassfishing3]

Hi. I am a mom of a 38 year old daughter. She has been challenging her whole life. I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. To my knowledge my daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD but has been in counseling on and off over the last 2 years. She currently is on medication for depression.  I found a wonderful therapist 2 years ago who helped me deal with the craziness, hurt, despair, loneliness, confusion, anger, frustration, thoughts of suicide and doom and gloom that I have been battling with as a result of my relationship  with my daughter. Sadly she moved to another state and I have yet to find a new therapist that meets my needs.  Things are out of control! ! When my daughter was growing up I did not know she was possibly suffering from BPD. We attended counsling a few times but she never stuck it out. I always felt it was just her nature and her personality that she inherited from her father. (We are divorced) That caused her to manipulate, trick, abuse me emotioaly, keep me walking on eggshells, embarrass me and reduce me to an insignificant self. I got some relief when she moved out. However, things are toxic as hell and getting worse. I have 2 grandchildren that I love with all my heart. However,  unless I want to sell my soul to the devil, I am kept away from them. My daughter uses my grandchildren against me. She will not allow me to have a consistent  relationship with them and she uses them to punish me... .She has manage to manipulate my grandchildren, sister and somewhat my brother in to believing that I AM THE MONSTER! SHE HAS MANAGED TO PUT A WEDGE BETWEEN US ALL. Something that never was. My family does not understand the hell she has puts me through for the last 30 years. They say I'm to sensitive, that's just her ect. They still look at her as a little girl. I have so much more to share and say but there is just to much. I love her but I don't like her. She is MEAN and I just can't take her belittling,  anger and  hatred that she so freely dumps on me anymore.I am so depressed, lonely and destroyed. My doctor adviced me to get the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I could have written the book. My life in a nutshell. Please, please how do you cope, keep sane, keep grandchildren and get others to validate the pain her disorder has caused me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bassfishing3]

Hi. I am a mom of a 38 year old daughter. She has been challenging her whole life. I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. To my knowledge my daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD but has been in counseling on and off over the last 2 years. She currently is on medication for depression.  I found a wonderful therapist 2 years ago who helped me deal with the craziness, hurt, despair, loneliness, confusion, anger, frustration, thoughts of suicide and doom and gloom that I have been battling with as a result of my relationship  with my daughter. Sadly she moved to another state and I have yet to find a new therapist that meets my needs.  Things are out of control! ! When my daughter was growing up I did not know she was possibly suffering from BPD. We attended counsling a few times but she never stuck it out. I always felt it was just her nature and her personality that she inherited from her father. (We are divorced) That caused her to manipulate, trick, abuse me emotioaly, keep me walking on eggshells, embarrass me and reduce me to an insignificant self. I got some relief when she moved out. However, things are toxic as hell and getting worse. I have 2 grandchildren that I love with all my heart. However,  unless I want to sell my soul to the devil, I am kept away from them. My daughter uses my grandchildren against me. She will not allow me to have a consistent  relationship with them and she uses them to punish me... .She has manage to manipulate my grandchildren, sister and somewhat my brother in to believing that I AM THE MONSTER! SHE HAS MANAGED TO PUT A WEDGE BETWEEN US ALL. Something that never was. My family does not understand the hell she has puts me through for the last 30 years. They say I'm to sensitive, that's just her ect. They still look at her as a little girl. I have so much more to share and say but there is just to much. I love her but I don't like her. She is MEAN and I just can't take her belittling,  anger and  hatred that she so freely dumps on me anymore.I am so depressed, lonely and destroyed. My doctor adviced me to get the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I could have written the book. My life in a nutshell. Please, please how do you cope, keep sane, keep grandchildren and get others to validate the pain her disorder has caused me.

[madmom]

Welcome bassfishing3   It sounds like you have been through the wringer, like most of us have. I truly feel your pain and your desperation.  While, we can't tell you if your daughter has BPD, she certainly sounds like she has many traits associated with it and hopefully we can help you.  My own daughter is 27 and is diagnosed.  Like you, we have been dealing with lots of issues with her, for many years.  I will tell you that once I found this site, and started working on me by using the tools and lessons you see on the right hand side of this website, things improved for my daughter, my husband and I.  The help and support I found here, has greatly strengthened me and helped me to cope with this difficult disease and I certainly hope it will for you also.  Please take a few minutes to look through the materials on the right and then come back, you say you have more to tell and I am anxious to hear from you.  Remember, you are not alone!

[enlighten me]

Hi Bassfishing

Welcome to the family.

Im in a different situation as it is my exs that I suspect are BPD. The reason I responded is my ex wife is I believe BPD and I still get on very well with my MIL. I have sat down and discussed her daughters behaviour with her and can completely sympathise with everything she has been put through.

My ex wife also used our children as a weapon against her mum. She put her through hell and my MIL never knew what she had done wrong. She would go no contact with her everytime she said something that offended her no matter how trivial. She painted her mum black and told everyone how evil she was. She also compartmentalised everyone so no one ever met thus avoiding the chance of them comparing stories. She told my MIL that I didn't like the family and had no interest in being around them. She told me that her mum hated me.

At this moment in time my sons have had enough of their mum and have come to live with me. I make sure they regularly see their gran. She is a lot happier now as she gets to see her grandchildren and they are happy. Unfortunately she is stuck in the middle as the boys don't want anything to do with their mum anymore and for some reason the ex wife thinks her mum can fix it.

Is your daughter still with the grandchildren's father?

There is a lot of information that can be found here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

Please keep posting it helps to talk and it helps when those responding have been through or still going through the same situation as you.

EM

[bassfishing3]

Hi to EM and Madmom. Thank you for welcoming me. My heart is racing right now. I am so overwelmed and anxious. First, can someone please help me to figure out how I can easily get into post. I feel like I am navigating all over the place to get to post. I am in the process of trying to set up appointment with a therapist. Really hard trying to find one that takes my insurance.

  I feel like my life and insides have CAVED in since I figured out it didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried. That I would NEVER be right, understanding, suppotive, funny, smart, loving, truthful or the"right type of mom", rich, healthy, verbaly expressive or live my life good enough for my daughter. I feel quilt beyond what I can handle that I didn't recognize this in my daughter as she was growing up. I am going to read through the material on the right and post again. I am also reading the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Thanks again for reaching out to me. It gives me hope that I am not alone.

[enlighten me]

Hi Bassfishing

Im sorry I don't know what POST is as Im from the UK.

One thing I will say is that both of my uBPD exs see there moms as the most important adult in their lives.

Even though my ex wife has said and done a lot of horrible things to her mum she always runs back to her. She is her protector and the person she thinks can make everything better.

It might not feel it but Im sure to your daughter thinks the same of you.

[jaya]

Hi there, I have a 39-year old daughter who has shown many of the same hateful tendencies as yours.  Over the years I had several breakthroughs with her when she used her son as a wedge: "You can't see him anymore unless... ." and in the past few years since he's grown and lost to the family for now (similar symptoms as hers) she has one medical condition after another.  What seems to have worked for me is saying "You do what you feel you have to do, and these are my limitations".  She usually stays away for a time and then comes back from another direction.  Have had many emotional reactions like yours and now that I'm 72 and have problems with blood pressure, heart, surgery etc. I do have built in limitations.  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" too, and saw her on every page.  She seems to return to "default" condition no matter how many times I've told myself "Maybe this time she'll be okay".  The problem was paying for her rent because she can't work etc.  When I finally told her I was getting out of her way so she could figure it out for herself, she ranted awhile then basically disowned me for awhile.  When she needed serious surgery I visited her in the hospital every day until her roommates came to take her home.  I haven't seen her or been in touch with her since then but see on Facebook that she's recovering and hopeful to start work in the next month or so.  Yay!  I can live with the fact that she thinks I've withdrawn my support (financial and emotional both) because at some point I know she'll be in touch again.

[mom2bpd]

Welcome, Bassfishing.  I, like Jaya, have a 30+ year old uBPDD that has caused all of her family much pain and suffering.  She has a beautiful, thoughtful, sweet 8 year old daughter who is often used as the pawn for her mother getting what she feels SHE needs.  My BPDD has been very hateful and selfish in the past and can be hateful and selfish at any moment.  She loves for us to watch our GD on weekends so she can go out with her boyfriend, but then tells our GD that she always gets sick when she comes here because our house is so dusty, and we always feed her bad food... .etc... etc.  You get the point.  BPDs are always wanting us to help them, but our help is never enough or never good enough.  I've read that you should never try to compete with them because they love to compete, and often feel they are in their minds when they are not.  I ignore these comments that I hear first hand from my GD, but it reminds me of how mean her mother can be.  Hang in there because you are at the right place.  We all feel desperate and want to give up hope when dealing with our BPDs, but this site will give you hope and help you cope.   I just feel sorry for the little ones that have to live with them as their parents.

[js friend]

Hi Bassfishing,

As you can see from the other members you are certainly not alone.!

I have also been cut off from my 2gc (although very briefly) after their births. The first time dd went NC  I felt terrible panic inside that I would never see my gc again. The 2nd time it happened I was more calm about it and waited it out for dd to get back in touch which she eventually did as she had no one else to babysit them. She has repeated this behaviour at least 6 times since their births, and each time I have  felt calmer about it. I know that if she does cut me off totally there are other ways to ensure that Iam still in my gc lives so I dont let her have that power over me anymore. Iam finding that she is more passive aggressive now these days towards me, rather than outright argumentative... .probably because the gc are around but  the gc are now at an age where they are copying them which isnt nice to see at all :'(

What has helped me overall is that I have got to a point where I have felt able to detached from my dd. Radical Acceptance that her life is her own and she can live it as she chooses has helped me to move on more easily. Once you get to this stage you wont feel that you are in high alert all the time anymore. I still feel pain when it comes to how my gc are treated by dd, and I dont think  that will ever change, but I try to ensure that I have them over regularly enough to give them some stability and a taste of a "normal" life. 

Luckily for me I found this site when my dd was 15yo and it has provided me with tremendous support to get through the darkest times when dd was really out of control. I think i always knew that something was not right with my dd even when she was a baby... .(she cried endlessly and was very clingy and sensitive) but didnt I know what so it was great to find others who i could relate to.I do understand the guilt you feel because I felt it too and still do, mainly because I chose to have children with a man who i now believe is also BPD. If I knew then what I know now things would have been a lot  different but it is all about moving forward.

Reading the tools and lessons will help you to know how to approach your dd better... The more I knew about BPD the more empowered I felt it.

Post as often as you can to get others opinions or to vent. We all get it here. Like you I lived with invalidation before then. Only my other children truly knew what we were living with, as dd was out there painting a totally different version of  living under total tyranny at home... .and everyone seemed to believe her. Even the family therapist concluded  that dd was being a normal teenager and I she thought that I was too strict. Thats how convincing she can be.

Nows the time to begin to look after yourself bassfishing. Just as your dd has her own life to lead you have yours to lead too.

[js friend]

One thing I will say is that both of my uBPD exs see there moms as the most important adult in their lives.

Even though my ex wife has said and done a lot of horrible things to her mum she always runs back to her. She is her protector and the person she thinks can make everything better.

btw... .My my dd's ex also used to tell me how dd would never say a bad word about me and often tell him how much she looked up to me.

We are their role models. They would never admit it, but I think that they do even admire us in their own way. 

[enlighten me]

At times with my ex wife it was like she was competing with her mum. I now see it as a form of flattery for her mum as she was just wanting to be like her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bassfishing3]

THANK YOU all so very much for your support and kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone and crazy. I will get back to all of you as soon as I can figure out how to do it. I wrote a reply to Mom2BPD and it would not send. It stated it was saved but I still can't find it. Any tips?

[js friend]

... .I wrote a reply to Mom2BPD and it would not send. It stated it was saved but I still can't find it. Any tips?

Is it saved in your PVT messages?