been a month, still crying

[poedameron]

It's been a month since I broke it off with my exBPDgf... .and I have a good day or two, and now she filed a restraining order agains me, though I never laid a hand on her.

So now the emotions and everything are all back... .now I have to fight this in court and drudge everything up again.

Can somebody explain why she did these things?  Here's a list of the things that still boggle my mind:

1. She lied about having cancer for 10 months, a birth father who abused her and then step father that rescued her, having brain surgery, an wealthy lawyer ex-fiance who is not even a real person, at least 2 miscarriages, getting chemo for an ectopic pregnancy, being on birth control when she wasn't, losing her memory for 30 minutes on a trip where she thought it was 2011 and she didn't know who I was, having endometriosis which prevented her from ever having children, that her then husband beat her and forced her to have sex with him, and that's just the big ones.

2. She lied to other people about other things, like having brain cancer, surgery on her ovaries, dating other people when she lived with me, being in other cities when she lived with me and we were together at events (she would tell her friends she was in chicago on a business trip), telling people she had a restraining order against me when she lived in my apartment.

3. She would leave out a ton of details... .for example asking what she did one night, she would say "I went to this bar, etc.".  She would leave out she met a guy there and had drinks with him, or that she met the guys from the kickball team and say it was just the girls, etc. 

4. She would value the opinion of new friends more than mine, or anyone she was actually close too.  I would ask why she treats me one way but she'll be so great with her new friends... .her response was always "that's because my friends don't call me names".  Never mind the fact we were in a relationship and I had done everything for her for a year and a half... .these people she knew for 2 months she would turn to and have them rescue her from our arguments.

5. She would lie and cover up where she was and who she was with because she was "scared I would be mad" like a 10 year old might say.  I would set boundaries because she had loose ones with other men (allowing them to wrap their arm around her waist at bars)... .and she would agree, but then continue to lie to me about it.  So then when I confronted her she would say I was too controlling, she was scared of me, refused to let me go out with her and her friends and basically live a secret life when she was not with me, and expected me to be an open book at the same time.

There's more... .but the main thing I don't get is despite me putting up with all this bullcrap, I stayed and tried to talk about her being scared,etc. and just asked for a chance to show her she had nothing to be scared about, and that I am an open book, I'm not doing things she doesn't want me to do, so why is she?  And she began pulling away, telling me not sleep at our apartment anymore, that she needed her own place to get her own independence, etc.  And this was all supported by her new group of friends.  She basically chose her friends over working on a relationship with me, one that she chose to leave her life in Las Vegas for to be a stepmom to my 2 kids because I was the "love of her life". 

And then toward the end I told her she doesn't have to feel scared... .she can feel however she wants if she loves me and we can work on that together... .and she would become angry and say "don't disrespect my feelings, this is how I feel and I can't even be around you anymore, you cause me too much anxiety. "  She would also cry and say "I can't believe how this turned out".  Seemingly having NO CONTROL over what happens in her life, like she couldn't make the conscious decision to work on those issues... .she just felt a certain way and that was that.

Anyway, I'm still crushed and hurting after a month... .I cried this morning... .I'm a mess.

[enlighten me]

Hi Poedameron

Theres a lot there and I cant answer for it all but I can understand. My ex wife clamed to have been diagnosed with ME for three years and was supposedly bed ridden. When she "improved" she was then supposedly diagnosed with Bi polar. We went from one drama to another for the 14 years we were together.

I cant say why she did it all but I think it started as little lies that then snowballed. I think every time she thought I was onto a lie she had to distract me with another drama.

I too have been a sobbing mess. It does get easier.

EM

[SGraham]

Poedameron, I know it's tough when you open yourself up so much and still get treated like crap. I used to sit around and think "how could she treat me this way when i am so open and patient with her?" And i realised i was treated the way i was BECAUSE of how loving and patient i was. You said it yourself, she values others opinions more than yours even if they were just casual friends. PwBPD have fundamentally hard time dealling with people who are emotionally close so, sadly, trying to get closer to them by being open usually has the oposite effect. Hang in there man.

Best Wishes,

SG