He's engaged

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I was with my exBPDbf  for about two years. We've broken up more times than I can count. He never exhibited some of the same symptoms such as raging, or suicidal attempts etc. 7 months ago I went NO contact, I completely walked away from the relationship. He would call my sister my dad, email text etc just to get me to talk to him. Even had his mother call me a few times, Still I gave him nothing. After seven months he resurfaced, and got in contact with me. He gave me a fake apology and of course Stupidly I decided to once again forgive. Two weeks after getting back together, we talked about going away on a cruise to rekindle the "relationship" we talked about marriage, we started to look at wedding venues, looked through David's bridal for gowns, tux the whole nine.

Then two weeks later sends me a text message to tell me that he can never commit to me and I should move on with my life. He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense, and two many women in his life has him messed up right now. one month later he is now engaged to the OW that he had broken up with to get back with me. I'm just so hurt. I feel that this was the final nail in the coffin. Such a slap in the face to me. I feel like its his way of really just showing me that its over. I mean is this really love? I have to ask because he just seems so happy and  content right now. I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again. Could it be that he was just confused about where he wanted to be? Could I have been that bad of a GF that he would do this to me. I just hate the fact that he gave the OW exactly what he knew I always wanted, and that was to get married to him. Well its been about 3 months of NC, and I intend to keep it that way. I've changed my #  blocked his email, and have not been on his FB. I just know I couldn't deal with seeing any wedding photos. At this point, Im not even sure if he's NPD or BPD. Maybe at the end of the day he just couldn't see himself with me in the long run. Ugh this sucks!

[stacma04]

So I was with my exBPDbf  for about two years. We've broken up more times than I can count. He never exhibited some of the same symptoms such as raging, or suicidal attempts etc. 7 months ago I went NO contact, I completely walked away from the relationship. He would call my sister my dad, email text etc just to get me to talk to him. Even had his mother call me a few times, Still I gave him nothing. After seven months he resurfaced, and got in contact with me. He gave me a fake apology and of course Stupidly I decided to once again forgive. Two weeks after getting back together, we talked about going away on a cruise to rekindle the "relationship" we talked about marriage, we started to look at wedding venues, looked through David's bridal for gowns, tux the whole nine.

Then two weeks later sends me a text message to tell me that he can never commit to me and I should move on with my life. He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense, and two many women in his life has him messed up right now. one month later he is now engaged to the OW that he had broken up with to get back with me. I'm just so hurt. I feel that this was the final nail in the coffin. Such a slap in the face to me. I feel like its his way of really just showing me that its over. I mean is this really love? I have to ask because he just seems so happy and  content right now. I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again. Could it be that he was just confused about where he wanted to be? Could I have been that bad of a GF that he would do this to me. I just hate the fact that he gave the OW exactly what he knew I always wanted, and that was to get married to him. Well its been about 3 months of NC, and I intend to keep it that way. I've changed my #  blocked his email, and have not been on his FB. I just know I couldn't deal with seeing any wedding photos. At this point, Im not even sure if he's NPD or BPD. Maybe at the end of the day he just couldn't see himself with me in the long run. Ugh this sucks!

[Pretty Woman]

Honey, it's NOT you.

He has bounced back and forth between you and her. He has dumped you many times.

Do you REALLY think all of a sudden without any therapy this guy is going to be normal?

He's already left her... .for YOU! What makes you think a ring on her finger is going to change ANY of that? It's a ring not a "ball and chain" tying this guy down. No way!

I had a ring on my ex's finger. She still left me... .and wanted to hold on to the ring.

It hurts like hell. I know.  because you are IMAGINING this amazing man and perfect relationship that does NOT exist.

I repeat... .your mind is getting the best of you, darlin.  You are reading into what you THINK is happening which is likely very different from the reality of the situation.

Ok. So we know he is engaged. We know is a FACT. We don't know how he is treating her behind closed doors and we don't know if this will last (and given his pattern, it won't). If it does she has very weak boundaries and I can guarantee it will not be bliss. They are not riding off into the sunset on unicorns eating cotton candy 

Stac, look at all the stories on here. Esp the ones who are married and suffering through this H E L L. Those are horror stories. It's like being stuck in their psychosis for 20-30 years! And then there are also poor, innocent children involved.

It's hard to forget the "good times" and you and I both know those were far and few inbetween.

Try to think about all the crapola he has caused. That is what helps me. If my ex gets engaged tomorrow all I'm thinking is: Sucks to be her fiance. She can't even afford a ring so if she did buy one she would be adding it to 40K worth of debt she is paying off. I bought our last promise rings.

We did not get there (to the alter). I look at it as the universe saving my a s s from further pain, resentment and embarassment.  I turn 40 in a month. I wasted close to 4yrs on this emotional succubus.  I seriously look at this as a wonderful birthday gift. If life truly starts at 40 I'm off to a fresh start!

Try to look for the good in this, friend. There IS good in this. You are free. It's up to you to stay free from it. You are in control. Stop giving HIM control of your thoughts. He's not worth it. You are worth so much more.

PW

[stacma04]

Thank You PW for your response. You have really made me feel better. Its only a matter of have letting it sink in to my head. Sometimes I think are egos take a bruising from the emotional roller coaster. I'm sure that now he's engaged he wont bother me anymore. That in itself would just be too crazy. 

[Pretty Woman]

I give you this advice yet I do the same thing... .

I read into things and wonder what the H E L L this person is doing that I didn't... .

When it comes down to the meat of it all... .it all really doesn't matter. This person sucked.

I mean seriously. When you think of the "perfect" relationship was it the one you came out of?

Doubtful.  We settled. They made us feel so great and then yanked us off that pedestal. After they yanked us off it they smashed it.

We will never be up on that pedestal again with them (esp when you are split back).

Speaking of pedestals... .everytime you start to think about your ex try saying "cancel, cancel" out loud (if no one is around, of course or you look nuts) or in your head. Then imagine your gorgeous self in a grecian gown standing proudly and beautiful on YOUR pedestal.

Youve always been on that pedestal. Treat YOURSELF right. Make that metaphorical pedestal gold. He can NEVER push you down.

I promise, it's a real self-esteem builder (visualization). I am really into the whole like attracts like and I have been able to attract positive things and people... .you just need to re-structure your thoughts.

Hope this isn't too hippy dippy! Works for me! 

PW

[hibye]

stacma04 i had a similar experience with you. I believe that when they feel abandoned they try desperately to have a contact while at the same time prepare the replacement. They can't feel abandoned this is why he tried to "win" you back for the last time. Afterwards if the replacement feels for them more safe choice they leave us for them.

Besides there were too many break ups which were living hell for them. They know they are discarded in our eyes and in their subconscious.

They choose a "naive" victim as a replacement.

It couldnt work out so its best for you...

[Herodias]

Well said Pretty Woman! I love the unicorns and cotton candy part, .  It's all such non-sense that breaks our hearts. It helps me to look at the NPD side of it and the mantra for getting away for that is "move on, move on, move on." We are supposed to learn from this is what I get out of it all. I have had nothing but bad r/s 's in my past- this being the ultimate worst! I am supposed to heal my co-dependancy once and for all so I never do this again! We all need to learn to be selfish for once and take care of ourselves. Hard to do, but must be done to get through this. I watch lots of u-tube videos on the subject of codependency and NPD/BPD... .we think we are choosing people opposite us, but actually we are choosing similar due to core abandonment issues. At least that is my history. Keep learning, because knowledge is power and the more you know, the better you will be in staying strong at NC... .