When did you see the red flags?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Does anyone remember how soon they started to see red flags or think something was "off" about the pwBPD? I know mine were right away, but I kept ignoring them... .time, after time, after time. I don't remember when I saw the anger for the first time but I feel it was shortly after we were married... .within months- Playing board games and his anger at losing was one I remember. I want to figure out how soon it shows up in a r/s... .Some say 6 months, some say after they are married, how ever long that takes. I definitely saw weird behavior I ignored before that and there were lots of lies. His big lie was that he had ptsd from war, so I felt sorry for him! I blamed allot of the things he did on that, yet I stayed.  Some of the behavior was when we were drinking, so I blamed it on that. Sad I was so unhappy in my life that I fell so hard for someone so bad for me. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a drug addict- 8 years! I thought I was getting a better person, turned out it was way worse! I am afraid of new people, so I am going to pay attention to red flags... .just want to know how soon some of us saw them... .thanks.

[Herodias]

Does anyone remember how soon they started to see red flags or think something was "off" about the pwBPD? I know mine were right away, but I kept ignoring them... .time, after time, after time. I don't remember when I saw the anger for the first time but I feel it was shortly after we were married... .within months- Playing board games and his anger at losing was one I remember. I want to figure out how soon it shows up in a r/s... .Some say 6 months, some say after they are married, how ever long that takes. I definitely saw weird behavior I ignored before that and there were lots of lies. His big lie was that he had ptsd from war, so I felt sorry for him! I blamed allot of the things he did on that, yet I stayed.  Some of the behavior was when we were drinking, so I blamed it on that. Sad I was so unhappy in my life that I fell so hard for someone so bad for me. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a drug addict- 8 years! I thought I was getting a better person, turned out it was way worse! I am afraid of new people, so I am going to pay attention to red flags... .just want to know how soon some of us saw them... .thanks.

[helpmewithbpd]

I didn't realise it at time I just thought it was me being hard to get along with but I would say with in 2 weeks,  then definitely 4 weeks we had a massive fight about me not saying I love her yet,  just thinking about it she was playing victim to all her past relationships from the first time we had a conversation,  then 2 weeks later we had a fight because I told her she's full of crap after she told me she kept sleeping with her little boys father hoping he would see him more often,  I laughed hard at that.  But yeah I guess straight away is the answer for me but I ignored every single signal.

[Hope26]

This is the first time I've posted on the 'undecided' board vs. 'staying'. Seems like things are getting worse.  I didn't notice the traits until after we got married, though the fact I'm his 4th wife should have given me a clue. He was always easygoing, 'mister nice guy' prior to marriage.  Now after 8 years he's meaner than a snake much of the time.  I'm starting to think about how to divide assets; I brought much more into the marriage than he did and it's going to be tough on us both if we split, but it may save my sanity and prolong my life.

[unicorn2014]

Does anyone remember how soon they started to see red flags or think something was "off" about the pwBPD? I know mine were right away, but I kept ignoring them... .time, after time, after time. I don't remember when I saw the anger for the first time but I feel it was shortly after we were married... .within months- Playing board games and his anger at losing was one I remember. I want to figure out how soon it shows up in a r/s... .Some say 6 months, some say after they are married, how ever long that takes. I definitely saw weird behavior I ignored before that and there were lots of lies. His big lie was that he had ptsd from war, so I felt sorry for him! I blamed allot of the things he did on that, yet I stayed.  Some of the behavior was when we were drinking, so I blamed it on that. Sad I was so unhappy in my life that I fell so hard for someone so bad for me. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a drug addict- 8 years! I thought I was getting a better person, turned out it was way worse! I am afraid of new people, so I am going to pay attention to red flags... .just want to know how soon some of us saw them... .thanks.

In my case the first red flag was that 3 months into the relationship I found he was married but at the time I was so in love with him I didn't care. Now I totally regret not caring but since he's going through a divorce to be with me its kind of too late for that. Then there was the first suicide attempt followed by the second suicide attempt, which I intervened on. Then there was the scary religious talk and the put downs. Unfortunately I didn't have good boundaries in place in the beginning of the relationship so now I'm struggling to establish them. I hope you find the help you need on this board. I find it very helpful to talk about what's going on with me because when I try to talk about it with people outside the board they tell me to leave the relationship.

[seang]

2 weeks in.  She blew a gasket at me over something trivial.  Went OTT and called me names and put me down.  Spoke to me like a child.  I couldnt understand it.  That's when the self doubt and insecurity was sowed.  From then on in, what with her push/pulling and rages, i was losing self esteem by the day.  Im guessing that then contributed to the inevitable.  The slow demise of the r/s.

[LonelyChild]

I didn't bother to read all replies, but here's my take on it:

The rage appears when they feel safe and in-control. A marriage is sure to bring out this rage, because it "binds" you to your pwBPD - you can't escape as easily, giving them more control, leading to rage.

There are other events that bring about this rage: Moving in together, buying a house together, buying a car together, having children, etc.

The rage is there all the time, but they DO manage it when there is a possibility of you moving away (fear of abandonment is stronger than the rage, I guess). The rage has NOTHING to do with you, what you do (i.e. winning a board game against them), and EVERYTHING to do with childhood issues not being dealt with.

[SummerStorm]

My first long conversation with her was last November, and there were definitely some things she said that made me think, "Is she even telling the truth?"  I also noticed that she kept saying things like, "My boyfriend at the time."  It made me wonder how many boyfriends, at the young age of 22, she'd had. 

We became friends in late January.  She met her most recent ex around the same time.  Not long after that, she was staying at his place 3-4 times a week, which I thought was a bit extreme, since they'd only been dating for a few weeks. 

By March, things started to get really intense, and she started telling me more and more about her past.  She also asked me to live with her.  I thought this was really weird.  Then, she started calling me her best friend, before we'd even hung out together.  Around that time, she started texting me all the time. 

The first major    came in April.  She started flirting with me, while she was still with her boyfriend, and then told me about her suicide attempt, past drug use, and childhood sexual abuse.  A week or so later, she told me that she was cutting.  She also told me that she was a "waste" and that she would destroy me.   

So, there were little signs early on, but most of them came in months 2-3. I would say the same applies to her most recent ex.  She asked him to live with her a month after they met.  She told him about her cutting the day after she told me.  As far as I know, the first time she hit him was just after 3 months. 

The guy she dated before her most recent ex actually broke up with her because he wanted to work on himself (he's a recovering addict), but it was clear in the days leading up to the break up that things were falling apart.  She changed her Facebook profile pic to one of just her and got into a public argument with him on Facebook about two days before they broke up. 

I've read so many stories on here, and I have to say that my former friend is right up there with the worst BPD cases.  It seems like the only people she still calls friends are ones who haven't seen her in months or years.  Most of the people who commented on her Facebook pics a year ago are suddenly nowhere to be found.   

[AnnaBlue917]

Those    started right away. Unfortunately, I didn't know what I was looking at (BPD) because we had chatting for months before getting together (she appeared normal) so I knew about her childhood trauma.

When we first had sex she disclosed to me that she had the Mirena. I asked her why? Are you still sleeping with men too? She stated that she was not sleeping with men but she was afraid of being raped and she didn't want any children. She also stated that she was done with men and was waiting to see her gyno to remove it.

She kept monostat creams, other vaginal creams for yeast infections. I asked her about this and she stated that she had to keep herself prepared because she never knew when she might CATCH an infection (Why I didn't run in the other direction I just don't understand)

She wouldn't remain on the phone if someone was at her door knocking or if company came over she would abruptly end the conversation. She would call back to resume the conversation as though she didn't just hang on me!

I agreed (Please don't ask me why the heck I did this) to drive down to her where she lived at the time 6.5 hours away to take her to her shock therapy treatments! Now mind you we had discussed these treatments and she stated that because she had severe depression that they worked for her in the past and this would help her to be able to feel better and to get out and about with me in the future.

She contacted me because her computer had a virus once and I called around trying to help her find a reasonable technician. I even offered to pay for it because she is on a fixed income(she can't work because she is too tired because of her fibromyalgia, migraine headaches and severe depression).  Long story short, I got a call from her the next day stating that she found someone and they were coming around 6pm to fix her computer. I called her around 7 ish to see how things were going and she wouldn't answer the phone. I texted her and asked if she was okay and she said I'm just sitting here watching this guy fix my computer. I called her again around 9 ish and the guy was still there, mind you she told me he charged $25.00 per hour. She picked up the phone and whispered, the guy is still here, I think he may have figured out what the problem is and I will call you later.  Needless to say I did not hear back from her until the next day. We went round and round about this. The computer guy had to make another trip. She said that he understood her finances and would fix it for a total of $99.00. I asked her could he do that? He worked for a company that I won't name. She said yes he can do that! (yeah right). That same day she broke it off with me telling me I was stressing her and that we should just be friends. Two days later she texted me and apologized and told me that she doesn't like being stressed out about what she is doing because she hadn't done anything wrong. I took her word and needless to say we got back together.(I was such an idiot!)

There were the occassional blow ups in public, not happy with the meals when we went to a restaurant. She was extremely rude to this waitress that I knew who went out of her way in regards to her order. She yelled at the poor girl, and embarrassed the heck out of me! Going out to eat ceased for a period during that time.

She blew up on me because she would ask me to allow her to see my texts and who I was texting yet when I asked her the same she went off.

I relocated her to where I lived. She lived with me for approximately a month before her apartment became available. She screamed, yelled, asked me to leave my own house and bedroom all because I asked her about her meeting with this new friend that she supposedly had.

When she got into her apartment she held onto the key to my home and I was okay with that. Did she ever give me a key to her apartment? NO! Her reason was, she wasn't comfortable with me just coming into her apartment and not knowing I was coming. Even though, I told her I would let her know if I would be coming by and I would never just let myself in her apartment like that. Still NO KEY! Yet she held onto the key to my house.

I was not permitted to know the name of her therapist. She stated that she wanted her therapist to never become to booked up so she didn't feel the need to give me her name. I only asked her the name because when she relocated to the area I worked in the field of case management and knew of some really good therapist that dealt with childhood abuse and trauma.

I could go on and on but the POINT is,,,the   were there the whole entire time and I CHOSE TO IGNORE THEM!

[GreenEyedMonster]

 

Before I even started dating him.

He had been engaged to a woman after online dating her for TEN DAYS. 

[borderdude]

Very fast, she tried to indirectly control me which places to go, when I started to look for red flags I found more. The wrong thing is to deny them, nobody is out of this world perfect.

[unicorn2014]

My first long conversation with her was last November, and there were definitely some things she said that made me think, "Is she even telling the truth?"  I also noticed that she kept saying things like, "My boyfriend at the time."  It made me wonder how many boyfriends, at the young age of 22, she'd had. 

We became friends in late January.  She met her most recent ex around the same time.  Not long after that, she was staying at his place 3-4 times a week, which I thought was a bit extreme, since they'd only been dating for a few weeks. 

By March, things started to get really intense, and she started telling me more and more about her past.  She also asked me to live with her.  I thought this was really weird.  Then, she started calling me her best friend, before we'd even hung out together.  Around that time, she started texting me all the time. 

The first major    came in April.  She started flirting with me, while she was still with her boyfriend, and then told me about her suicide attempt, past drug use, and childhood sexual abuse.  A week or so later, she told me that she was cutting.  She also told me that she was a "waste" and that she would destroy me.   

So, there were little signs early on, but most of them came in months 2-3. I would say the same applies to her most recent ex.  She asked him to live with her a month after they met.  She told him about her cutting the day after she told me.  As far as I know, the first time she hit him was just after 3 months. 

The guy she dated before her most recent ex actually broke up with her because he wanted to work on himself (he's a recovering addict), but it was clear in the days leading up to the break up that things were falling apart.  She changed her Facebook profile pic to one of just her and got into a public argument with him on Facebook about two days before they broke up. 

I've read so many stories on here, and I have to say that my former friend is right up there with the worst BPD cases.  It seems like the only people she still calls friends are ones who haven't seen her in months or years.  Most of the people who commented on her Facebook pics a year ago are suddenly nowhere to be found.   

Yes my pwBPD told me about his sexual abuse before we even met in person. That was a definite red flag. Of course I didn't have good boundaries at the time, working on them now, so I wouldn't have known that was a red flag back then. I've learned a lot from the relationship.

[unicorn2014]

Before I even started dating him.

He had been engaged to a woman after online dating her for TEN DAYS. 

My pwBPD proposed to me while he was still married to another woman (he's divorcing her now) and before we even met in person. In fact he didn't even tell me he was married when we first started talking online. I didn't find out he was married until his wife intervened and by then I was already hooked. Been there, done that, and definitely not happy about it!

[Washisheart]

My first sign should have been how quickly he said he loved me. Several months into the relationship I started seeing the lies, I even caught him plotting to leave to GA with an ex. I ended it then. We hooked back up and were good for almost 2 years, or I thought until I found out he was talking trash behind my back years later. He suddenly changed on me  and things got so bad I kicked him out within 10 days. A few weeks later he found out he had someone else. We went through 2 years of back and forth, him with a few different women. I dated other men but nothing serious. He actually signed 2 leases with two different women. At the end of those 2 years, I googled "why does he keep leaving me and coming back" and lots of articles on "fall back girls" came up, but one on BPD sparked my interest and through further investigation, I knew. We have been 2.5 years together no break ups, instead I get the insults, nothing I do is good enough, and these jumbo sized temper tantrums. He started to treat me like I was part of the walls, just there. Didn't want to hang out or do anything. He didn't even realize when I shut down and stopped cooking and cleaning all together. Not until I packed my bags after he broke almost everything in the house did he acknowledge the effect his actions had on me . Now, he's doting. We'll see how long it lasts. He's already started to turn back into his normal self after 2 weeks.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Before I even started dating him.

He had been engaged to a woman after online dating her for TEN DAYS. 

My pwBPD proposed to me while he was still married to another woman (he's divorcing her now) and before we even met in person. In fact he didn't even tell me he was married when we first started talking online. I didn't find out he was married until his wife intervened and by then I was already hooked. Been there, done that, and definitely not happy about it!

I forgot to mention that the woman he got engaged to after ten days was also still married.  Details, details.  I think she also had BPD.

[SGraham]

There were serious  's after our second date. So i guess its on me for putting up with them.

[repititionqueen]

Hi All

I definitely noticed the red flags right away but also chose to ignore them, as I didn't think it was going to be a serious relationship at the time.

He would talk about how he hates wearing masks around different people. For some reason I found this to be extremely truthful at the time but in hindsight... .this was a huge clue that he was always wearing a mask! (I'm actually slightly concerned he could be ASPD... .)

He really loathed social situations and would constantly complain to me about them (especially ones to do with his family and cultural community).

He would laugh to me about how he led on other girls he was with and how "they always wanted more" but he was supposedly "honest from the start". My guess is he was leading these girls on.

He also randomly decided to tell me that he doesn't watch porn and isn't into certain sexual things... .which was so out of left field and it was so obviously a lie (as he proved to be into the things that he said he wasn't). I tried bringing it up with him later and he would always just say "wow your memory is really good" and didn't really have a reason for why he said it. This incident struck me as very weird at the time... .

I went into this relationship very skeptically because of a prior break up that was bad... .He could tell that I appreciated honesty very quickly and I'm fairly sure he was manipulating me the majority of our relationship without me even realizing.

It honestly gives me shivers thinking about it... .

[repititionqueen]

Also- Another thing I just remembered.

He pretended to fall asleep when I was having a really important conversation with him once! It was the rudest thing ever and it made me so upset but somehow I just completely let it go... .

[unicorn2014]

Hi All

I definitely noticed the red flags right away but also chose to ignore them, as I didn't think it was going to be a serious relationship at the time.

He would talk about how he hates wearing masks around different people. For some reason I found this to be extremely truthful at the time but in hindsight... .this was a huge clue that he was always wearing a mask! (I'm actually slightly concerned he could be ASPD... .)

He really loathed social situations and would constantly complain to me about them (especially ones to do with his family and cultural community).

He would laugh to me about how he led on other girls he was with and how "they always wanted more" but he was supposedly "honest from the start". My guess is he was leading these girls on.

He also randomly decided to tell me that he doesn't watch porn and isn't into certain sexual things... .which was so out of left field and it was so obviously a lie (as he proved to be into the things that he said he wasn't). I tried bringing it up with him later and he would always just say "wow your memory is really good" and didn't really have a reason for why he said it. This incident struck me as very weird at the time... .

I went into this relationship very skeptically because of a prior break up that was bad... .He could tell that I appreciated honesty very quickly and I'm fairly sure he was manipulating me the majority of our relationship without me even realizing.

It honestly gives me shivers thinking about it... .

That's a very interesting story and I can relate to parts of it, like about the masks, and not liking social situations and not being into porn and girls always wanting more. How long were you with this guy?

[unicorn2014]

Before I even started dating him.

He had been engaged to a woman after online dating her for TEN DAYS. 

My pwBPD proposed to me while he was still married to another woman (he's divorcing her now) and before we even met in person. In fact he didn't even tell me he was married when we first started talking online. I didn't find out he was married until his wife intervened and by then I was already hooked. Been there, done that, and definitely not happy about it!

I forgot to mention that the woman he got engaged to after ten days was also still married.  Details, details.  I think she also had BPD.

Yes I have to say the fact that he started an emotionally intimate relationship with me while he was still married and then denied the fact that he was married when I asked him still bothers me to this day and that happened over 3 years ago! I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for that. He's still going through a divorce because his wife contested the divorce. If I was her and he did that to me I would say good riddance but I guess she wants his stuff. I did have some personality disorder traits myself at the time I met him however I was not married.

[mstnghu]

I started noticing the   within the first couple weeks. In my mind, I'd made a mental checklist of what traits I was looking for in a girl. She met most of these so I chose to overlook her   as just "quirks". I realized that nobody is perfect and I wanted to be the good guy and be a supportive and loving boyfriend to her. I really should've seen the   for what they actually were though.

Some examples I started noticing almost immediately:

-She became really clingy and almost obsessed with me pretty much immediately after our first date (constant texting/calling, etc.). I had quite a few close friends and family members who expressed their concern about this to me right away. I should've listened.

-She tried to drive wedges between me and pretty much every single one of my closest friends (especially a close girl friend of mine). She still to this day tries to find ways to keep me from getting to spend time with my friends and always has nothing but bad things to say about them. My close friends are all genuinely good people too.

-She started showing me that she could flip out over the most insignificant and minor things that she perceived as me doing wrong. I started walking on eggshells very early in our relationship. I actually remember the very first time she flipped out and lost her cool with me. I won't get into the details about it, but it happened within just a few months of us dating and it left me blown away. I literally thought she was a total lunatic for acting the way she did... .yet 8 years later, here I still am.

-She tried to control and micromanage everything about me and our lives together. This started very early on in the relationship.

-She'd became a different person around different people. The first time I noticed this, we'd been dating for about 3 months. Up to this point, she'd portrayed herself as a really conservative and "wholesome" girl. We went to a Halloween party at the house of a friend of hers one night and I hadn't met this group of friends yet. It turned out to be a pretty crazy college frat house type of party, complete with beer pong and a huge bong in the garage. My then girlfriend pretty much ditched me the whole time and headed straight to the kitchen to play bartender. Later on, she was dancing with some total hoochie girls on top of a coffee table. In my 20s I'd been to plenty of parties like this, but I was completely surprised to see her acting like this. It's completely out of character for her. Even to this day, I actually consider her to be very uptight and prudish so it's crazy to think about her acting like that to try to fit in with that group. That wasn't the only time I've seen her completely morph into her surroundings and act like a totally different person either.

-She always seemed have some sort of sickness or infirmity and was always expecting me to make her feel better. To this day, she calls in sick to work a couple times a month on average. I've never known somebody who gets a sore throat at least once a week.

-One time early in our relationship, we were having a conversation about past relationships. I was very surprised to hear just how many boyfriends she'd had before me. She then went on to say that she'd been the one to break up with all of them. Apparently she either got tired of them or they did something to upset her. Suddenly they were painted black. HUGE  !

-Her mom admitted to me early on that my wife (still girlfriend at the time) did have some "issues". She completely downplayed them though. She admitted that she'd been on numerous anxiety and antidepressants off and on since her teenage years. To this day I think my wife's family completely downplays her "issues" and sugar-coats them. I think they actually feel relief that she's become my problem now and they don't really have to deal with it anymore.

Sorry this is so long! These are just some of the issues that come to mind. I really shouldn't have ignored these  !

[English Sid]

Did not know about BPD at the time, but thinking back, first night when she told me all about her abusive ex husband and also that she thought she loved me on the 2nd night.

[unicorn2014]

Did not know about BPD at the time, but thinking back, first night when she told me all about her abusive ex husband and also that she thought she loved me on the 2nd night.

Yes I didn't know about BPD in other people at the time either. I had my own problems when I first met my partner so I wasn't able to see problems in other people. All that has changed now.

[repititionqueen]

Hi All

I definitely noticed the red flags right away but also chose to ignore them, as I didn't think it was going to be a serious relationship at the time.

He would talk about how he hates wearing masks around different people. For some reason I found this to be extremely truthful at the time but in hindsight... .this was a huge clue that he was always wearing a mask! (I'm actually slightly concerned he could be ASPD... .)

He really loathed social situations and would constantly complain to me about them (especially ones to do with his family and cultural community).

He would laugh to me about how he led on other girls he was with and how "they always wanted more" but he was supposedly "honest from the start". My guess is he was leading these girls on.

He also randomly decided to tell me that he doesn't watch porn and isn't into certain sexual things... .which was so out of left field and it was so obviously a lie (as he proved to be into the things that he said he wasn't). I tried bringing it up with him later and he would always just say "wow your memory is really good" and didn't really have a reason for why he said it. This incident struck me as very weird at the time... .

I went into this relationship very skeptically because of a prior break up that was bad... .He could tell that I appreciated honesty very quickly and I'm fairly sure he was manipulating me the majority of our relationship without me even realizing.

It honestly gives me shivers thinking about it... .

That's a very interesting story and I can relate to parts of it, like about the masks, and not liking social situations and not being into porn and girls always wanting more. How long were you with this guy?

I was with him 8 months and we broke up in May 2015. That's interesting that you also experienced some of the same things! Can you elaborate?

[Ceruleanblue]

For me, it was after we'd married. Prior to that, I'd only ever seen him get mad once, while driving, and he'd already told me he used to have road rage, but worked through it. I was pretty clear that I would not be okay with being in the car, EVER, with someone who has road rage.

Plus, I didn't see the incident of him getting slightly mad while driving as a red flag, because he wasn't overly mad, and he didn't start driving crazy, and he took my warning well.

I started seeing red flags after his daughters all turned on me, and he felt he was losing them. What I'd once saw as a really involved, good Dad, I stared to see was enmeshment, and unhealthy co dependence on his part. He actually needs them to get his needs met, and when that was no longer happened, he took it out on me, and my son. Red flags all over the place after that.

[Tangy]

I saw them pretty much immediately after meeting him. I fell for him hard (because I was unhealthy) but I was in a relationship. What I didn't do was jump right out of the relationship I was in. I knew it wasn't smart. I wanted to make sure I was leaving because I truly wasn't happy... .and not just to get a quick fix. And it took me many many months to leave and many times of telling him we couldn't be friends... .because it didn't seem right.

And the whole time he was crazy about me... .he told me he loved me really fast... .and wrote lots of poetry about me... .and I remember thinking... .if he were healthy he'd be going after someone that was available. But I tried to convince myself he was just young... .and idealistic... .and a romantic... .(which he is)... .but eventually I did leave and got into a relationship with him... .and within two months of having me... .the coldness came out... .the lack of empathy... .and I began to notice all the fluff at the beginning was more romance than anything with substance... .

I was with him for three years so it wasn't all bad... .but he definitely excels at the honeymoon phase and really truly struggles with anything depth related.

[Tangy]

Also- Another thing I just remembered.

He pretended to fall asleep when I was having a really important conversation with him once! It was the rudest thing ever and it made me so upset but somehow I just completely let it go... .

Oh god! Never had the fall asleep but many many times had the dead face where he acts like he's being tortured just by me taking... .and he did that the first time I ever had a conversation about things I didn't care for in the relationship and I was crying (2 months in) ughhhh I don't miss someone totally blowing off any and every concern I ever had. ":)on't have feelings to hurt"

[unicorn2014]

Hi All

I definitely noticed the red flags right away but also chose to ignore them, as I didn't think it was going to be a serious relationship at the time.

He would talk about how he hates wearing masks around different people. For some reason I found this to be extremely truthful at the time but in hindsight... .this was a huge clue that he was always wearing a mask! (I'm actually slightly concerned he could be ASPD... .)

He really loathed social situations and would constantly complain to me about them (especially ones to do with his family and cultural community).

He would laugh to me about how he led on other girls he was with and how "they always wanted more" but he was supposedly "honest from the start". My guess is he was leading these girls on.

He also randomly decided to tell me that he doesn't watch porn and isn't into certain sexual things... .which was so out of left field and it was so obviously a lie (as he proved to be into the things that he said he wasn't). I tried bringing it up with him later and he would always just say "wow your memory is really good" and didn't really have a reason for why he said it. This incident struck me as very weird at the time... .

I went into this relationship very skeptically because of a prior break up that was bad... .He could tell that I appreciated honesty very quickly and I'm fairly sure he was manipulating me the majority of our relationship without me even realizing.

It honestly gives me shivers thinking about it... .

That's a very interesting story and I can relate to parts of it, like about the masks, and not liking social situations and not being into porn and girls always wanting more. How long were you with this guy?

I was with him 8 months and we broke up in May 2015. That's interesting that you also experienced some of the same things! Can you elaborate?

My current partner, whom I've been with 3 years and 5 months, told me all those same things: he put on different masks for different people, he didn't like social situations, he didn't watch porn, girls always wanted more from him. How were you able to break up with him so soon? I started experiencing conflict very early on with my partner and yet I've stayed with him.

[unicorn2014]

Also- Another thing I just remembered.

He pretended to fall asleep when I was having a really important conversation with him once! It was the rudest thing ever and it made me so upset but somehow I just completely let it go... .

Oh god! Never had the fall asleep but many many times had the dead face where he acts like he's being tortured just by me taking... .and he did that the first time I ever had a conversation about things I didn't care for in the relationship and I was crying (2 months in) ughhhh I don't miss someone totally blowing off any and every concern I ever had. ":)on't have feelings to hurt"

I confronted my partner very early on about his affect and told him it was unacceptable to me. I still confront him about today if it bothers me. We're currently in a LDR so affect is really important on Facetime because its one of the only ways I can connect to him at this point.

I'm sorry you went through that. My partner only detached me from like that when he got severely dysregulated. Now that he has a therapist, a sponsor, and medication he doesn't dysregulate so severely anymore. I also let him know when he's starting to dysregulate and that I'm going to back off he is does until he can fix it.

[repititionqueen]

Hi All

I definitely noticed the red flags right away but also chose to ignore them, as I didn't think it was going to be a serious relationship at the time.

He would talk about how he hates wearing masks around different people. For some reason I found this to be extremely truthful at the time but in hindsight... .this was a huge clue that he was always wearing a mask! (I'm actually slightly concerned he could be ASPD... .)

He really loathed social situations and would constantly complain to me about them (especially ones to do with his family and cultural community).

He would laugh to me about how he led on other girls he was with and how "they always wanted more" but he was supposedly "honest from the start". My guess is he was leading these girls on.

He also randomly decided to tell me that he doesn't watch porn and isn't into certain sexual things... .which was so out of left field and it was so obviously a lie (as he proved to be into the things that he said he wasn't). I tried bringing it up with him later and he would always just say "wow your memory is really good" and didn't really have a reason for why he said it. This incident struck me as very weird at the time... .

I went into this relationship very skeptically because of a prior break up that was bad... .He could tell that I appreciated honesty very quickly and I'm fairly sure he was manipulating me the majority of our relationship without me even realizing.

It honestly gives me shivers thinking about it... .

That's a very interesting story and I can relate to parts of it, like about the masks, and not liking social situations and not being into porn and girls always wanting more. How long were you with this guy?

I was with him 8 months and we broke up in May 2015. That's interesting that you also experienced some of the same things! Can you elaborate?

My current partner, whom I've been with 3 years and 5 months, told me all those same things: he put on different masks for different people, he didn't like social situations, he didn't watch porn, girls always wanted more from him. How were you able to break up with him so soon? I started experiencing conflict very early on with my partner and yet I've stayed with him.

Well, as I mentioned in my previous post, I had been through a hard relationship before this one, so my guard was up pretty high the whole time. He snowed me with his gestures of love and smooth talk, however, when more red flags started to come up once things got more serious I took a step back and started analyzing everything.

I was very fortunate to have a lot of family support, so I started talking to my family and friends about everything. My Dad and Uncle in particular thought that his behaviour seemed really odd and inconsistent for a healthy guy who wants to be with someone. My Dad definitely urged me to end things and I literally got off the phone from my Dad and called my guy to try and end things. The first time around he wouldn't let it happen, he rushed over to my house and made false promises to get me to stay (he really wasn't even that convincing but once someone's at you house you're more inclined to give it another shot). This was a huge mistake though because I'm fairly sure he started the replacement process as soon as he knew I wanted to leave.

My walls went way up after this whole incident and I just began to feel more and more unhappy. Since I had gone through something similar before I knew that it would be better to be alone than to be with him. I started to push him away and sort of let it be his idea to break up in the end. Thankfully, we only had two after break-up talks and while he tried to push to stay friends, I set out my boundaries and told him that I didn't want to be friends with him at all.

He still tried to leave things with this feigned "maybe in the future we'll get together" idea but for me I knew it was over. The way I feel being around him still haunts me and I know seeing him again would be a huge mistake and would risk ruining the good energy I've built up since we ended things.

I wish you luck with everything you're going through!