I'm wondering if this kind of thinking is unhealthy.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

[Schermarhorn]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

[enlighten me]

Hi Nonya

If its unhealthy then I must be on deaths door as I also need to try and understand everything.

The reaching out and pulling away appears to be quite common.

Whether they miss us and want to reach out but are scared or guilty and withdraw. Or whether its a comfort thing like a child calling out in the night for reassurance that their parent is there I don't know.

The fact that they think about us and reach out says to me they miss us. The fact that they pull away is anyone's guess. This type of behaviour would appear to be guilt driven in most cases though.

EM

[Schermarhorn]

Hi Nonya

If its unhealthy then I must be on deaths door as I also need to try and understand everything.

The reaching out and pulling away appears to be quite common.

Whether they miss us and want to reach out but are scared or guilty and withdraw. Or whether its a comfort thing like a child calling out in the night for reassurance that their parent is there I don't know.

The fact that they think about us and reach out says to me they miss us. The fact that they pull away is anyone's guess. This type of behaviour would appear to be guilt driven in most cases though.

EM

Guilt could be it. After her apologies she started to pin stuff on me. Eventually I took a stand and she got pretty angry.

3 days later she said we shouldn't talk anymore.

[klacey3]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

Hi nonya,

To be honest, I am not sure whether it is unhealthy or not but I can tell you that I do it all the time. I feel I need to understand everything aswell so you are not alone. Maybe whether it is unhealthy or not depends on whether it interferes with you leading a happy life. I think when we are in these sorts of relationships it very natural to want to understand as it is so confusing. Its normal to want to make sense of information.


When I read your post I thought maybe she was feeling lonely and thought she would initiate contact to see whether you would reply and give her attention. I dont know much background information on her so it would be hard to say why she pulled away. I wonder whether it was control. Her letting you know she is ok being alone is another way of her telling you she is fine without you. Perhaps she meant it to try and make you feel insecure about not being needed while also asking you to forgive her. It seems like she is trying to provoke a reaction for a future recycle attempt.

Just seen you have given more info in a reply:

Now it sounds like she apologised in the first place hoping she would soften you so that you may apologise back to her and give her an ego boost. This didnt happen and she got angry. She realises her tactic to get you to give her an ego boost by blaming yourself for alot of things is not going to work hence the suggestion to not talk.

[Schermarhorn]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

Hi nonya,

To be honest, I am not sure whether it is unhealthy or not but I can tell you that I do it all the time. I feel I need to understand everything aswell so you are not alone. Maybe whether it is unhealthy or not depends on whether it interferes with you leading a happy life. I think when we are in these sorts of relationships it very natural to want to understand as it is so confusing. Its normal to want to make sense of information.


When I read your post I thought maybe she was feeling lonely and thought she would initiate contact to see whether you would reply and give her attention. I dont know much background information on her so it would be hard to say why she pulled away. I wonder whether it was control. Her letting you know she is ok being alone is another way of her telling you she is fine without you. Perhaps she meant it to try and make you feel insecure about not being needed while also asking you to forgive her. It seems like she is trying to provoke a reaction for a future recycle attempt.

Just seen you have given more info in a reply:

Now it sounds like she apologised in the first place hoping she would soften you so that you may apologise back to her and give her an ego boost. This didnt happen and she got angry. She realises her tactic to get you to give her an ego boost by blaming yourself for alot of things is not going to work hence the suggestion to not talk.

I did apologize before I stood my ground. But she kept holding it over my head that she was scared of me and that she hasn't forgiven me.

[klacey3]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

What for? And what was your response?

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

Hi nonya,

To be honest, I am not sure whether it is unhealthy or not but I can tell you that I do it all the time. I feel I need to understand everything aswell so you are not alone. Maybe whether it is unhealthy or not depends on whether it interferes with you leading a happy life. I think when we are in these sorts of relationships it very natural to want to understand as it is so confusing. Its normal to want to make sense of information.


When I read your post I thought maybe she was feeling lonely and thought she would initiate contact to see whether you would reply and give her attention. I dont know much background information on her so it would be hard to say why she pulled away. I wonder whether it was control. Her letting you know she is ok being alone is another way of her telling you she is fine without you. Perhaps she meant it to try and make you feel insecure about not being needed while also asking you to forgive her. It seems like she is trying to provoke a reaction for a future recycle attempt.

Just seen you have given more info in a reply:

Now it sounds like she apologised in the first place hoping she would soften you so that you may apologise back to her and give her an ego boost. This didnt happen and she got angry. She realises her tactic to get you to give her an ego boost by blaming yourself for alot of things is not going to work hence the suggestion to not talk.

I did apologize before I stood my ground. But she kept holding it over my head that she was scared of me and that she hasn't forgiven me.

What for? And what was your response?

[patientandclear]

Nonya, being alone is not the psychic threat for pwBPD; being rejected or abandoned is. Whence the prevalence of pre-emptive breakups, which allow the pwBPD to maintain control and not risk various sorts of hurt.

[Schermarhorn]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

What for? And what was your response?

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

Hi nonya,

To be honest, I am not sure whether it is unhealthy or not but I can tell you that I do it all the time. I feel I need to understand everything aswell so you are not alone. Maybe whether it is unhealthy or not depends on whether it interferes with you leading a happy life. I think when we are in these sorts of relationships it very natural to want to understand as it is so confusing. Its normal to want to make sense of information.


When I read your post I thought maybe she was feeling lonely and thought she would initiate contact to see whether you would reply and give her attention. I dont know much background information on her so it would be hard to say why she pulled away. I wonder whether it was control. Her letting you know she is ok being alone is another way of her telling you she is fine without you. Perhaps she meant it to try and make you feel insecure about not being needed while also asking you to forgive her. It seems like she is trying to provoke a reaction for a future recycle attempt.

Just seen you have given more info in a reply:

Now it sounds like she apologised in the first place hoping she would soften you so that you may apologise back to her and give her an ego boost. This didnt happen and she got angry. She realises her tactic to get you to give her an ego boost by blaming yourself for alot of things is not going to work hence the suggestion to not talk.

I did apologize before I stood my ground. But she kept holding it over my head that she was scared of me and that she hasn't forgiven me.

What for? And what was your response?

It was for something I "said" a while back. I don't remember saying it, but she was sure convinced that I did.

After that, she was still holding it against me. And I just told her that she needs to figure out if she was going to forgive me or not.

She then started bringing up other miniscule things I have done, and then I reminded her of all the stuff she has done to me, and that I don't hold that over her head. I also asked why she wanted to talk to me and meet me if she was still afraid of me.

Then she barely spoke to me for a few days, and called to tell me we shouldnt speak anymore.

[outside9x]

NONya24,

Though I sit here figuring out my own deal, but no longer drained with thoughts of my EXBPDgf, I can tell you, thinking of what she is doing, why she is doing it will destroy you.  You will not even begin to figure out the insanity and that's another thing that will hold you and paralyze you.

They can feel bad, definitely, but almost all of it, has to do with them, and not you.  They are incapable , I believe of keeping caring moments together as a thought like you do.  They remember it, but without associating feelings etc.  

Anyway, the hardest thing to get over is that they think and care like you.  They don't no matter what they said.  As many would say, go by their actions not by their words.     Do not try to reason with them, and think they don't hear you, or heard you.  The hear just fine, but chose not to since it hurts them.  You have a better chance making your Cat understand things then them.  You are dealing with a damage individual.

Unless they get treatment.  Run!  

[Schermarhorn]

Nonya, being alone is not the psychic threat for pwBPD; being rejected or abandoned is. Whence the prevalence of pre-emptive breakups, which allow the pwBPD to maintain control and not risk various sorts of hurt.

I see.

Regardless, my ex was afraid of being alone however.

Since I've known her, this is the only time she's been single.

[problemsolver]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

I can relate to your thinking is it healthy? Probably not because we are trying to control something that we cannot ex; her thinking or who she wants to date or talk to... .Do i think like this? Yeah all the time... I think 'why does her ex hate her?' They always take subliminal social media so it seems... .what did she do to him I wonder? ... Does she now hate me because I was the reason she lost him as supply. . Because she can no longer lie about who or what she was doing. . There is actual confirmed evidence that we were dating. ... i think ; does she not respond now because she found someone else? My BPDex also said something about "needing" affection based off her "childhood" does that mean her bed constantly needs a warm body? Or is she sitting in her room all day working on herself and her studies ? So much to analyze but what's the point you'll never figure it out. . Odds are if he or she was once and open book to you they will never open up again.

[Schermarhorn]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a little while and I wanted to give an update.

I'm starting to feel much better, but I still have a ways to go.

Now I still have one thing that is bugging me.

I still cannot make sense as to what happened when she contacted me a couple weeks ago. I can understand why she did, as she was low on supply, but I don't understand why she pulled away.

She brought it up that she was okay with being alone multiple times, and told me that she doesn't have to take me back (Even though she was the one to contact me begging for forgiveness). There is absolutely no indication that she has found somebody else.

From what I understand, being alone would be something a pwBPD would avoid at all costs. The only things I can think of are that she either likes to have control, wants to check if I would be available for in the future, or if she just decided she does want to be alone for a while (would this even be possible for someone like her?).

All of her other actions, I can account for why she did them... .however this one feels like the final puzzle piece.

If anybody can give me some insight to this, I would be grateful. Also, is it unhealthy to be trying to figure out stuff like this? I always feel like I have to make sense of everything, otherwise I get stuck.

Odds are if he or she was once and open book to you they will never open up again.

I wonder why this is.