I feel like I have to prove to my friends that I'm not crazy

[help_me_rhonda]

Hello---I so appreciate this forum and I often read your posts in order to feel grounded and less alone. I've posted once before, a few months ago, when my now ex asked me to go to therapy with him.

Well I went to therapy with him and it was clear that he and his therapist had already determined that I was the abuser and were setting me up to play the part.

I was in individual analysis for 6 years (after being a total wreck of a person through my 20s). Did a lot of healing work, and I know I was in a different place when I met my ex than I was at the time of him acting out. In fact, I believe that when my needs shifted (toward being a healthier person and wanting a healthier relationship dynamic and boundaries), this caused the relationship to fall apart. He grew paranoid, was constantly interrogating me, berating me, demanding more and more and more of me and I felt exhausted and depleted. I am in Grad school and I was holding on to my work for dear life, because I knew I would fail out if I sacrificed every aspect of myself to appease his feelings every moment.

He was diagnosed as bipolar after breaking into my house (through a window) when I wasn't home and going through all of my things--in order to find "evidence" of betrayal. He had just begun taking antidepressents at this time, which is how and why the swift diagnosis was made.

His therapist however believes that he's not bipolar. In fact she suggested that he may be borderline, but determined that he wasn't after a "test." My ex is keenly intelligent and is such a people pleaser that I wonder if he was lying to her and using therapy as a means toward comfort and validation. Because I have been in therapy for so long, I was trying to help him any way I could---and I wonder if he was mimicking my language in session with her to help "prove" his stability. Like so many people on this board, most people in my exes life do not see his abhorrent behavior. Just me. Maybe his ex gf (who does not like me--he perhaps set this up on purpose, so I don't feel comfortable talking with her). When he is in a manic state, most people think he is just really really happy and doing well.

At some point in his individual  therapy, he revealed that his therapist believed I was borderline and that nothing was wrong with him. My suspicion is that my ex skewed the narratives in therapy, attributing his behavior and needs to me. In session, I was accused of pushing and pulling, when really I was trying to hold firm boundaries. There were times when his behavior was so unacceptable that I had to say "no more" or "please go home now" (we used to live together but I moved out over a year ago--another thing that drove him nuts). But then I would feel remorseful, like I wasn't being patient or understanding enough, and he would demonstrate good behavior which also clouded my thinking and made me believe that I was being callous and unreasonably cruel. All I wanted was to take care of him but he made it impossible.

Another thing that happened was that he woke me up in the middle of the night one night hitting me with a pillow. He had apparently been snooping through my phone when I was sleeping and saw something he didn't like---I don't even know what, an innocent conversation with an ex who is now a friend, perhaps---beats me. I did not feel comfortable having sex with him after that. I have been raped by a partner before, i do not like having sex unless I feel comfortable and safe, and I did not feel that way. I said "let's wait until we get to a healthier place." I even let him continue to sleep at my house (even though I was terrified and could hardly sleep) because I felt so guilty for not having sex with him. His therapist said that withholding sex was a form of emotional abuse. Same with "detaching emotionally" and "silencing him" (when I was being interrogated for hours ever day and being told that I wasn't enough). I felt like I had to constantly defend myself in order to preserve my sense of self and my goals in life.

Like many of you, I still believe my ex is a wonderful person and I still love him. When he's good he's very very good. He's like a rabid dog that just wants to be good. I felt so much compassion for him (maybe because I know how out of control I felt when I was younger? I don't know) and I just wanted to understand him and make him feel safe so he could get healthy. Somehow he could not see (and he never will) that me being there for him and accepting him for who he was and insisting on healthy boundaries--that is love. He had it. He insisted that he didn't, that I had taken it away from him or given it away to someone else, but he had it the whole time.

He wanted passion though! And now he's got it--dating a girl nearly half my age--who could be my student (I teach undergrad) and he's of course never been happier. It was me all along who was the big problem in his life. I Was the cause of his torture and now he's free and light as a feather. And of course he has re-formed his identity to better align with hers, even though she's a KID. (She can't even get into a bar.)

The problem though (if you're still reading) is that I have taken the high road through all of this. Or at least I have tried my very best. I have not talked to mutual friends about him, have not shared my experience with anyone (except a few close friends who are not his friends), and meanwhile he will talk and talk and talk to anyone who will listen about how horrid I am and the hell I put him through. He is also still using "therapy language" to demonstrate how stable he is. Everyone believes this (they have no reason not to, so I don't blame them).

But even though this person is out of my daily life, I still feel like I'm in the position where I have to defend myself and prove that I'm not crazy. Once a friend asked me why I couldn't talk to my ex like an adult  or go to a place I used to go to anymore (because he's always there), and she seemed to indicate I was being immature and extreme. I know I'm being painted black all over town--in fact, the final straw that made me end it with my ex was when he said I was "a f-ing selfish c--t and everyone in town hates me and thinks so too" (I wonder where that came from).

I try to go about my business and hold my head high, but I wonder when will this finally stop. My life is lucky and rich and full and my ex is still doing whatever he can to call this into question, and my impulse is to either defend myself or doubt myself... .it's unfair and I hate it.

Has this happened to any of you?

Thanks for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HelpMeRhonda, It's no fun to be painted black, that's for sure.  Been there, had it done to me.  In my view, you don't have anything to prove.  Just be yourself.  Make your life a journey toward authenticity.  You did the right thing by getting out.  Continue to pursue an increasingly genuine existence, is my suggestion.   

LuckyJim

[scgator]

Hello---I so appreciate this forum and I often read your posts in order to feel grounded and less alone. I've posted once before, a few months ago, when my now ex asked me to go to therapy with him.

Well I went to therapy with him and it was clear that he and his therapist had already determined that I was the abuser and were setting me up to play the part.

I was in individual analysis for 6 years (after being a total wreck of a person through my 20s). Did a lot of healing work, and I know I was in a different place when I met my ex than I was at the time of him acting out. In fact, I believe that when my needs shifted (toward being a healthier person and wanting a healthier relationship dynamic and boundaries), this caused the relationship to fall apart. He grew paranoid, was constantly interrogating me, berating me, demanding more and more and more of me and I felt exhausted and depleted. I am in Grad school and I was holding on to my work for dear life, because I knew I would fail out if I sacrificed every aspect of myself to appease his feelings every moment.

He was diagnosed as bipolar after breaking into my house (through a window) when I wasn't home and going through all of my things--in order to find "evidence" of betrayal. He had just begun taking antidepressents at this time, which is how and why the swift diagnosis was made.

His therapist however believes that he's not bipolar. In fact she suggested that he may be borderline, but determined that he wasn't after a "test." My ex is keenly intelligent and is such a people pleaser that I wonder if he was lying to her and using therapy as a means toward comfort and validation. Because I have been in therapy for so long, I was trying to help him any way I could---and I wonder if he was mimicking my language in session with her to help "prove" his stability. Like so many people on this board, most people in my exes life do not see his abhorrent behavior. Just me. Maybe his ex gf (who does not like me--he perhaps set this up on purpose, so I don't feel comfortable talking with her). When he is in a manic state, most people think he is just really really happy and doing well.

At some point in his individual  therapy, he revealed that his therapist believed I was borderline and that nothing was wrong with him. My suspicion is that my ex skewed the narratives in therapy, attributing his behavior and needs to me. In session, I was accused of pushing and pulling, when really I was trying to hold firm boundaries. There were times when his behavior was so unacceptable that I had to say "no more" or "please go home now" (we used to live together but I moved out over a year ago--another thing that drove him nuts). But then I would feel remorseful, like I wasn't being patient or understanding enough, and he would demonstrate good behavior which also clouded my thinking and made me believe that I was being callous and unreasonably cruel. All I wanted was to take care of him but he made it impossible.

Another thing that happened was that he woke me up in the middle of the night one night hitting me with a pillow. He had apparently been snooping through my phone when I was sleeping and saw something he didn't like---I don't even know what, an innocent conversation with an ex who is now a friend, perhaps---beats me. I did not feel comfortable having sex with him after that. I have been raped by a partner before, i do not like having sex unless I feel comfortable and safe, and I did not feel that way. I said "let's wait until we get to a healthier place." I even let him continue to sleep at my house (even though I was terrified and could hardly sleep) because I felt so guilty for not having sex with him. His therapist said that withholding sex was a form of emotional abuse. Same with "detaching emotionally" and "silencing him" (when I was being interrogated for hours ever day and being told that I wasn't enough). I felt like I had to constantly defend myself in order to preserve my sense of self and my goals in life.

Like many of you, I still believe my ex is a wonderful person and I still love him. When he's good he's very very good. He's like a rabid dog that just wants to be good. I felt so much compassion for him (maybe because I know how out of control I felt when I was younger? I don't know) and I just wanted to understand him and make him feel safe so he could get healthy. Somehow he could not see (and he never will) that me being there for him and accepting him for who he was and insisting on healthy boundaries--that is love. He had it. He insisted that he didn't, that I had taken it away from him or given it away to someone else, but he had it the whole time.

He wanted passion though! And now he's got it--dating a girl nearly half my age--who could be my student (I teach undergrad) and he's of course never been happier. It was me all along who was the big problem in his life. I Was the cause of his torture and now he's free and light as a feather. And of course he has re-formed his identity to better align with hers, even though she's a KID. (She can't even get into a bar.)

The problem though (if you're still reading) is that I have taken the high road through all of this. Or at least I have tried my very best. I have not talked to mutual friends about him, have not shared my experience with anyone (except a few close friends who are not his friends), and meanwhile he will talk and talk and talk to anyone who will listen about how horrid I am and the hell I put him through. He is also still using "therapy language" to demonstrate how stable he is. Everyone believes this (they have no reason not to, so I don't blame them).

But even though this person is out of my daily life, I still feel like I'm in the position where I have to defend myself and prove that I'm not crazy. Once a friend asked me why I couldn't talk to my ex like an adult  or go to a place I used to go to anymore (because he's always there), and she seemed to indicate I was being immature and extreme. I know I'm being painted black all over town--in fact, the final straw that made me end it with my ex was when he said I was "a f-ing selfish c--t and everyone in town hates me and thinks so too" (I wonder where that came from).

I try to go about my business and hold my head high, but I wonder when will this finally stop. My life is lucky and rich and full and my ex is still doing whatever he can to call this into question, and my impulse is to either defend myself or doubt myself... .it's unfair and I hate it.

Has this happened to any of you?

Thanks for listening.

Hi Rhonda and welcome. Sorry to hear you're having to deal with all of this and I can relate to much of it.

I'm only going to address the issue of defending myself and hopefully what helped me will help you. After months of worrying about how black I was being painted and the small smear campaign she want on, I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't control what other people think of me - this includes my own daughter who is now confused as ever because of things my exgf accused me of and involved my daughter in. It also includes co-workers - a friend of my exgf works at my company and my exgf called another woman here and accused her of sleeping with me and then said she was in fear for herself and her child because of me. It really got out of control but could have been much much worse.

In my mind, I've defended myself enough and have stopped. I realized that for me, the impulse as you say was really me needing outside validation to feel good about myself. I didn't want the people around me to think poorly of me or think I would have done such horrible things to someone I supposedly loved. I didn't want them to think I was the crazy one. Finally, I looked in the mirror and realized I know what is true and what isn't. The people who truly know me know what kind of person I am and I'm finding that accepting me for who I am and living life, finally, for myself has helped tremendously.

I can't control what others think, say, or feel about me just like I couldn't control my exgf's behavior. I had to come to terms with that realization and make a conscious decision to love myself despite of all of it. From my personal experience this was very rewarding and has helped me move forward.

I wish you the best and coming here will definitely help.