Very interesting moment of awareness - Also question

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I haven't posted here in a long time, and to be honest I lately haven't been lurking often.

Something I had more often noticed within myself came up again today... .kind of weird, but I think this has always been a driving part in my life, which ultimately led to a several terrible relationships, and I have only recently become really aware of it.

But first things first. A very positive development (besides being in a great, loving, respectful and empowering relationship) is that I had my first day at a new job today (the most interesting and at the same time by far the best paid job I ever had - a job that I never though I'd get). My new girl is actually the person that constantly encouraged me and believed in me without being pushy... .all this ultimately helped me score this job.

Anyways... .my first day was great. And in this climate of positivity I encountered something all too familiar, although on a different level.

There was this woman at my work place, she seemingly was also new. At some point I noticed that she was struggling with certain aspects of the job, making mistakes, constantly asking for help... .I hate to say it, but I think she might not get happy at this job and I doubt she will be there for too long.

The point is... .as soon as I realized that I had this sinking feeling in my gut, a weird kind of sadness overcame me. The feeling of "could I somehow help her?". I realized this can really affect me on a bigger scale. I ALMOST (I'll explain the almost in a moment) started this familiar thinking about how she might need this job, how she might feel bad and stupid now. I know myself, how I was before I started to heal... .I would have started to think about how she might get home and talk to her friend how this was a failure, etc... .etc... .

But then I remembered something my therapist said when I mentioned these feelings and thoughts. She was pretty "confrontational"... .she basically said:

"Stop doing that. You are assuming. You make assumptions about how someone might feel. Someone you know nothing about. People don't want strangers to make such assumptions about them. You are doing someone wrong by doing so. It's just as bad as thinking bad about someone for their looks etc."

I am paraphrasing and I hope you understand what I mean. She was right. I don't know anything about her, and I am in no position to ask that person about her feelings. She might be strong, or she might not care about this particular job. She might not like it for other reasons than not being good at it... .

I stopped feeling bad almost immediately.


We are all very empathetic people. Empathy is powerful and one of our positive traits... .but it goes both ways.

[thatwasthat]

I haven't posted here in a long time, and to be honest I lately haven't been lurking often.

Something I had more often noticed within myself came up again today... .kind of weird, but I think this has always been a driving part in my life, which ultimately led to a several terrible relationships, and I have only recently become really aware of it.

But first things first. A very positive development (besides being in a great, loving, respectful and empowering relationship) is that I had my first day at a new job today (the most interesting and at the same time by far the best paid job I ever had - a job that I never though I'd get). My new girl is actually the person that constantly encouraged me and believed in me without being pushy... .all this ultimately helped me score this job.

Anyways... .my first day was great. And in this climate of positivity I encountered something all too familiar, although on a different level.

There was this woman at my work place, she seemingly was also new. At some point I noticed that she was struggling with certain aspects of the job, making mistakes, constantly asking for help... .I hate to say it, but I think she might not get happy at this job and I doubt she will be there for too long.

The point is... .as soon as I realized that I had this sinking feeling in my gut, a weird kind of sadness overcame me. The feeling of "could I somehow help her?". I realized this can really affect me on a bigger scale. I ALMOST (I'll explain the almost in a moment) started this familiar thinking about how she might need this job, how she might feel bad and stupid now. I know myself, how I was before I started to heal... .I would have started to think about how she might get home and talk to her friend how this was a failure, etc... .etc... .

But then I remembered something my therapist said when I mentioned these feelings and thoughts. She was pretty "confrontational"... .she basically said:

"Stop doing that. You are assuming. You make assumptions about how someone might feel. Someone you know nothing about. People don't want strangers to make such assumptions about them. You are doing someone wrong by doing so. It's just as bad as thinking bad about someone for their looks etc."

I am paraphrasing and I hope you understand what I mean. She was right. I don't know anything about her, and I am in no position to ask that person about her feelings. She might be strong, or she might not care about this particular job. She might not like it for other reasons than not being good at it... .

I stopped feeling bad almost immediately.


We are all very empathetic people. Empathy is powerful and one of our positive traits... .but it goes both ways.

[eeks]

Anyways... .my first day was great. And in this climate of positivity I encountered something all too familiar, although on a different level.

There was this woman at my work place, she seemingly was also new. At some point I noticed that she was struggling with certain aspects of the job, making mistakes, constantly asking for help... .I hate to say it, but I think she might not get happy at this job and I doubt she will be there for too long.

The point is... .as soon as I realized that I had this sinking feeling in my gut, a weird kind of sadness overcame me. The feeling of "could I somehow help her?". I realized this can really affect me on a bigger scale. I ALMOST (I'll explain the almost in a moment) started this familiar thinking about how she might need this job, how she might feel bad and stupid now. I know myself, how I was before I started to heal... .I would have started to think about how she might get home and talk to her friend how this was a failure, etc... .etc... .

But then I remembered something my therapist said when I mentioned these feelings and thoughts. She was pretty "confrontational"... .she basically said:

"Stop doing that. You are assuming. You make assumptions about how someone might feel. Someone you know nothing about. People don't want strangers to make such assumptions about them. You are doing someone wrong by doing so. It's just as bad as thinking bad about someone for their looks etc."

I am paraphrasing and I hope you understand what I mean. She was right. I don't know anything about her, and I am in no position to ask that person about her feelings. She might be strong, or she might not care about this particular job. She might not like it for other reasons than not being good at it... .

Hi thatwasthat, in that case, "re-welcome" to the Personal Inventory board  

It sounds like you saw yourself starting to enter an old frequent pattern of thinking and feeling, a certain way of becoming involved with another person's emotions, noticed yourself doing it, and considered alternate interpretations of the facts.  That's an important link in self-awareness, not only knowing your patterns but also catching yourself doing it right while it is happening.

[enlighten me]

Its very difficult for me to walk on by and let someone struggle. I think its something that is driven in all the time. At school we had the lesson of the good Samaritan. On the news we hear how people stood by or walked past when someone was is trouble. We get bombarded with how celebrities step in and help. We have charity adverts asking us not to stand back and let things happen.

Its very difficult to go against all this and very easy to see how everyone needs rescuing.

I commend you for your ability to have stood back.