Addicted

[Nuke]

I recently reignited my makeup/breakup relationship with my BPD sufferer (my diagnosis, not professional), and I'm afraid of leaving. I'm having paranoid thoughts that she is going to falsely accuse me of rape because she either hates me enough to lie or because in her distorted devaluations of me she actually believes it to be true... I'm afraid that she is going to start a new relationship immediately, which will kill me because I love her so much. We had big dreams at one point, but I couldn't handle the stress of our 100+ 'breakups', so I left her. That lasted about 5 months. We got back together for a couple of weeks. It was ON and we were talking about marriage before she abruptly dumped me. She had become a different person in those 5 months. It was like her identity was torn between the person she was with me and who she was with her friends. During that abrupt 'breakup' she slept with a guy and it killed me when I found out a month later after we got back together. I had looked through her phone and found the truth. Bad I know. I'm jealous of her because she is beautiful and has all the validation in the world from the opposite sex. She can numb her pain with empty sex easily.  I on the other hand am trying my best to live a Catholic life, and it is very hard to meet others with the same goals. She actually converted to Cathilocism from Islam while we were together. We were not good Catholics. Sex bound us together. I feel like her and I are in a life raft, and for me, there aren't any boats within sight. She on the other hand can fill her emptiness within hours. This sounds petty, but I'm trying to get help, so I'm doing my best to tell the cold hard truth. I only feel ok/normal/healthy/happy/non-empty in our very very very short lived good moments. The good moments come when she does something outrageous. I get mad and tell her to go. Then we make up and have a couple of hours of happiness.   This has been going on for over 2 years and it has hurt my performance in college greatly.

A little more history... .I once had to call the police because I was afraid she would harm herself. She had a BIG meltdown biggest ever, and a few days before I found cut marks on her arm that she inflicted because I refused to sleep in bed with her. She was in a super rage and I wanted her gone. She said she didn't trust herself alone. I didn't know what to do. Take the abuse, so she doesn't kill herself or call the cops. They came and talked to us both individually and decided to take her to the hospital to talk to a psych. I waited to see her at the hospital for hours. They finally let me see her, and I don't know what happened. She was lying there helpless and I felt sorry for her. I don't know. I was moved with compassion.  This relationship has been a nightmare. Thinking of that night used to make my hands sweat, but not anymore. Maybe I'm improving. Not.

[hopealways]

Your story is all too common. It is up to you to decide whether you want to continue suffering, or move on with your life. There IS life after a BPD relationship. But you have to make the choice. I am 10 weeks out and trust me it does get better.