I dont know what to do anymore... I'm new here

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband is borderline, narcissistic and has some PTSD. What's the hardest for me is why am I the only one he treats like crap? And how badly he treats me. He does something wrong and instead of caring about how I feel he withdrawals himself and gets even meaner. When I first discovered something was wrong it took years for him to even admit it about himself and now that he has its not getting any better. We are trying for professional mental health but it takes forever up here. He threatens to leave. I'm hanging on by a thread myself. Is there any hope they get better? 

[Kittenmi]

I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband is borderline, narcissistic and has some PTSD. What's the hardest for me is why am I the only one he treats like crap? And how badly he treats me. He does something wrong and instead of caring about how I feel he withdrawals himself and gets even meaner. When I first discovered something was wrong it took years for him to even admit it about himself and now that he has its not getting any better. We are trying for professional mental health but it takes forever up here. He threatens to leave. I'm hanging on by a thread myself. Is there any hope they get better? 

[Kittenmi]

Ooops did I post in the wrong area? Im on a cell so it looks strange I'm thinking.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kittenmi, Welcome!  Message received.  Looks like you posted in the right place.  What makes you think your H has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time.  We've all been there, believe me.  LuckyJim

[Kittenmi]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/borderlines-and-narcissists-both-blame-storm

On that page the borderline cycle of rage fits him perfectly. He's had episodes for years and even thru the "its all your fault" crap, I have continued to do research and when finally coming upon his he's finally agreed. We are working with a doctor, but he has so many symptoms/traits as with most personality disorder diagnosis its hard to diagnose him with only one.

After yeara of mental anguish I've endured he's finally starting to realize there IS something wrong and it all makes sense because of the childhood he went through. But... .he's not even trying. Or so that I can see.

He's also addicted to marijuana heavily (like has withdrawal symptoms including getting pissy, sweats, etc). But it seems like the only thing making him "normal"... .obviously its just suppressing emotions more though.

The lack of empathy is what I'm having a hard time with and crazy deflections that its always me/my fault.

Waiting for our local mental health is driving me nuts. I know for myself to be healthy,I should just leave but we have kids.

He says he's working on it and wants to be better but in the next breath he says even if he's better he still can't handle this life with me and etc. The big blame game.

I'm just wondering if there's any hope of him actually being able to get a grip on this... .or at least for it to stop only being onto me... .me his only victim.

[Lucky Jim]

The lack of empathy is what I'm having a hard time with and crazy deflections that its always me/my fault.

Hello again, Kittenmi, Your description (above) is quite typical for a pwBPD.  Due to their black and white thinking, a pwBPD has a hard time admitting that he/she is part of the problem and, as a result, will generally blame and project issues onto the Non.  It sounds like that may be happening to you, which I understand can be extremely frustrating.

My BPDxW and I divorced two years ago so I'm going to let others chime in on your question concerning prospects for the future.  In my case, I reached a point where I could no longer go on in my marriage.  Others, of course, have had different experiences.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Ceruleanblue]

You said "up here", so are we talking about Canada? I'm in Michigan, but the process wasn't super fast here either. Mostly because the pwBPD has to want to get help, and has to be honest, or their partner has to be able to be honest.

What you wrote is so familiar to me. At this point in time, I seem to be BPDh's sole target. In the past he's had issues with boss'(our marriage therapist discounts this for some reason), his kid's coaches, people on the road, his ex, and most recently my son. Now, it's just ME. I get to see him treat others the way I'd LOVE to be treated, but I'm mostly his target. I feel like he views me as his emotional punching bad. He unloads on me, then he feels better, in some sick way.

It seems that this is pretty common, that the spouse gets a lot of the BPD behaviors that they try to hide from the rest of the world. The ones who want to hide it, anyway.

[hopealways]

Sorry to say this but there is no hope for them getting better unless they are truly committed to therapy, but there is hope for you getting better.  Sure you can have a long term relationship with someone with BPD but it will never be a loving and harmonious one.

[Butterfly12]

Your story sounds so much like my own it's bewildering.

I'm so sorry you too are going through this... .and I wonder what you are daily- whether we will make it through to the other side or if I will loose my mind in trying.

No advice, just hugs.

[Lucky Jim]

the spouse gets a lot of the BPD behaviors that they try to hide from the rest of the world.

Agree w/that, Cerulean.  The spouse is often the lightening rod.  I certainly was.  My BPDxW was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know what the Mayor was really like behind closed doors.  She hid her disorder extremely well, as do most w/BPD.

LuckyJim

[madison46]

Funny to read LuckyJim's post (ie the Mayor, but behind closed doors, totally different).  I left my ex 3 years ago.  Very, very hard.  Still is.  We are still divorcing.  I guess it was hard to face.  She has a lot of public facing attributes that are great.  Laughable, friendly, joking, gregarious, talks about the finer things in the area etc... .but behind closed doors, whew... .if I left a sock on the floor, it could touch off a 6 week silent treatment.  I described it to the last therapist and told her it was like walking on egg shells.  Therapist dug deeper and told her she acted like an abusive alcoholic.  Even that didn't dent her.  I had to take BLAME somehow.  Now I get all kinds of stuff about being lazy. Not helping her around the house... hateful tones, not your normal complaints about men :-)

I don't know what to tell the person that started this thread.  I see advice on how to stay with someone that has BPD.  Then I see reminders that you can stay, but it won't be a warm relationship with give and take caring.

I know I experienced the second part of that.  She was a cold woman.  Around friends and co-workers, she was the best.

Anyway, it still hurts me I left... mainly because I thought she was gong to be 'work' wife and that's who I fell in love with. But in reality, it's mean/cold/controlling wife.

Good luck, but I just found this board myself and it's been great.

[Lucky Jim]

She has a lot of public facing attributes that are great.  Laughable, friendly, joking, gregarious, talks about the finer things in the area etc... .but behind closed doors, whew... .if I left a sock on the floor, it could touch off a 6 week silent treatment.

madison46: You described my BPDxW (above) to a "T."  I used to say, a storm cloud could appear out of a clear blue sky.  It was more like walking through a mine field rather than on egg shells!  I'm ahead of you in terms of divorce, so I understand how painful it is.  Hang in there and know that greater happiness lies ahead.

kittenmi: maybe you could tell us more, when you are ready.  For example, how long have you been married?  Do you have kids?  What kind of treatment is your H receiving?  You mentioned that you are working with a doctor?  Others have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[Kittenmi]

Thanks all. Yes I'm in Michigan.

He (the BPD) my husband seems to be getting worse the more he tries to come to terms with it. I simply ask what's wrong and he blows up. He sleep in instead of getting up with the kids like discussed and then when I want to its a fit screaming I never do anything.

Our insurance is medicaid, so he's trying to get into mental health (on the good days he's trying that is). Once we do that though I'm growing glim that there's any hope. Even if he does get a proper diagnosis... .Playing with medication and trying to learn new behaviors seems impossible to me. He's very stubbarn. He thinks he's always right and everything is caused by my actions. He can't be told what to do, at all , not even nicely. He's full of deflections and minizations that only suit to make him sound better and even makes things up from time to time to further justify his episodes of rage.

The only reason I haven't left yet is because we have kids. I have a 13 yr old. And we have a 3 year old together. He also has two other kids... .14 who comes every once in a while and stays n an 18 yr old who won't speak to him.

I also don't make a lot of money... .so his income is pretty much the backbone of our life. I have a great job but it doesn't pay well. Also... .we recently lost our house do to a fire so I'm a little scared to be alone. It was pretty dramatic and I have some new found fears I guess. I'm always the worry wort type and being alone with the kids all the time kind of scares me. I'm sure you know how it is... .being with someone for years and years and then trying to imagine it differently is scary.

But, I'm seeing more and more that he doesn't want to change. There's no empathy from him. He can't even consider my feelings with anything. When he does something wrong... .instead of being sorry and remorseful he lashes out, turns it around onto me, and then puts up a wall ignoring me. Its a very unhealthy relationship and I don't know how to get out of it.

As someone else mentioned... .I feel like I'm going crazy. I know what happens, and then he twists and turns them into some screwed up scenario that it was me and not him doing it. Over and over... .daily now pretty much.

How did you guys leave? I don't have a lot of family or friend support that I can turn to. I don't know what I'd do to even start. I guess save money up for starters.

Any advice I appreciate.