I think I'm triggering craziness... ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have filed for divorce from my BPDw, for the 4th time. I cant emotionally or mentally take it anymore. She knows this and seems to accept it with OVERLY excited emotions telling me "its ok, I understand". I understand that the fear of leaving, intensifies the abandonment feelings in the BPD and they start acting really crazy. My w is now accusing me of moving her things, to "mess" with her head. She accuses me of opening cupboard doors and leaving them open to mess with her. We are sleeping in diff rooms and I NEVER go in hers. At night I watch TV in my room til I go to bed. I then put the remote on the night stand. I did this Tuesday. Wednesday night I couldnt find the remote. I finally found it in the den, on my desk, with no batteries in it. No biggie, I put new batteries in and then asked her if she knew what happened to the batteries and how it got in the den. WOW! She flipped out and accused me of Gaslighting... .which is a new concept that she is stuck on along with calling me a narcissist. Then the next day she's making me lunch to take to work, hugging and kissing me like nothings wrong. I'm dying. I dont know whats real anymore. I know I need to end this and its killing me thru and thru. She's weening off a 7 year Lamictal run due to "long term effects", she claims. Yesterday she came to my work and demanded I come clean. Come clean? With what? She stressed that she is about to press charges if I dont come clean... .? Has she totally lost it? Oh man I have no clue how to follow these behaviors. Is this normal? I called the police, the hospital and her therapist to see what I can do. They said I can do nothing unless she gets violent. If she gets violent, it will be too late. Nobody wants to help. Im not even allowed to talk to her psychiatrist due to the confidentiality rules. How the heck am I supposed to help? I am so, so lost. She is the one opening the cupboard doors, moving stuff, batteries in the remote etc. and she either doesnt remember or is in deep deep psychosis denial.

Anybody experience anything similar to this? I know her so deep and well. I do love her with all of my heart but I just cannot endure this anymore.

Someone please give me feedback.

[citylist]

I have filed for divorce from my BPDw, for the 4th time. I cant emotionally or mentally take it anymore. She knows this and seems to accept it with OVERLY excited emotions telling me "its ok, I understand". I understand that the fear of leaving, intensifies the abandonment feelings in the BPD and they start acting really crazy. My w is now accusing me of moving her things, to "mess" with her head. She accuses me of opening cupboard doors and leaving them open to mess with her. We are sleeping in diff rooms and I NEVER go in hers. At night I watch TV in my room til I go to bed. I then put the remote on the night stand. I did this Tuesday. Wednesday night I couldnt find the remote. I finally found it in the den, on my desk, with no batteries in it. No biggie, I put new batteries in and then asked her if she knew what happened to the batteries and how it got in the den. WOW! She flipped out and accused me of Gaslighting... .which is a new concept that she is stuck on along with calling me a narcissist. Then the next day she's making me lunch to take to work, hugging and kissing me like nothings wrong. I'm dying. I dont know whats real anymore. I know I need to end this and its killing me thru and thru. She's weening off a 7 year Lamictal run due to "long term effects", she claims. Yesterday she came to my work and demanded I come clean. Come clean? With what? She stressed that she is about to press charges if I dont come clean... .? Has she totally lost it? Oh man I have no clue how to follow these behaviors. Is this normal? I called the police, the hospital and her therapist to see what I can do. They said I can do nothing unless she gets violent. If she gets violent, it will be too late. Nobody wants to help. Im not even allowed to talk to her psychiatrist due to the confidentiality rules. How the heck am I supposed to help? I am so, so lost. She is the one opening the cupboard doors, moving stuff, batteries in the remote etc. and she either doesnt remember or is in deep deep psychosis denial.

Anybody experience anything similar to this? I know her so deep and well. I do love her with all of my heart but I just cannot endure this anymore.

Someone please give me feedback.

[thatwasthat]

Hi citylist!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was in a very similar situation early last year.

I was sleeping in a different room and mostly kept to myself. She wasn't accusing me of gaslighting her, but just replace this part with my ex berating and criticizing me for everything I did (not being quiet enough, stomping while walking, being a slob for leaving a glass i used to drink water from next to the sink, accusing me of being aggressive or raising my voice... .all the good "painted black" stuff).

It's really tough and it's hard to give advice. I think the  most important points right now are keeping yourself safe and as sane as possible. Try to keep to yourself as much as possible and to be as neutral as possible. Don't let her drag you into arguments etc.

Keep in mind: All this is gaslighting, even the fact that she is accusing you of the same... .that's gaslighting, too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey citylist, I've been in your shoes and understand how stressful it is.  The bottom line is that you are not responsible for your W's well being.  You've been carrying around your W's emotional baggage, I suspect, and it's dragging you down.  It's draining.  Time to release the emotional burden.  It's OK to lighten the load.  Care-taking is a way to avoid caring for oneself, which is at the heart of codependence.  Believe me, I've done it.  Time to look for your value from within, rather than through others.

LuckyJim

[myself]

From what you describe, it doesn't sound like you're triggering her "craziness", it sounds much more like it's already happening, keeps happening, and you're trying to stay out of it. You don't have to take on that extra load (blaming yourself or being blamed) if it's not yours.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Citylist,

I can relate to what you described. It's really something much deeper than anyone can imagine I suppose. I don't think I should be giving any advice, but just to share my thoughts. Sounds cliched but it's not your fault, not all the time anyway. Even if it was, everyone makes mistakes but they shouldn't get berated constantly for it. I have been through a lot of forums, not just on BPD. There were a lot of truths written, but everyone and every situation are different. The bottom line is to know yourself and what you want out of the relationship. I realised that having my boundaries totally ignored, and going through all the circular arguments, was causing me too much harm. THe survival instinct finally kicked in, better late than never I hope. All those terms, like gaslighting,disregulation etc. are basically abuse, in a subtle form as compard to verbal or physical assault. I didn't want to accept something that I couldn't or don't wish to, even if the other person was not rational. The choice is yours, make it carefully and stick by it.

[citylist]

 :'( Thank you ALL. I need your sanity to help me get mine back. Thank you