Revelation for me: projective identification

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

I have been a few charms with my ex, and couldn't maintain NC for more than three weeks (she keeps contacting me, and respond  :'(). Anyway, I came across the term "projective identification."  It is, of course, a tactic BPs employ.  But I finally believe I understand why I acted the way I did in the relationship.

I believe that I didn't act very nicely in the relationship. I called her names, berated her--and generally got angry when she refused to do what I wanted (which was basically reconcile and save our marriage).  Right after we married, the fights started.  I couldn't stop getting angry.  In some ways, I feel she baited me, and continues to bait me, so she can say I am the abusive one.  In fact, she has convinced all the therapists that I am abusive, and have anger management issues. She wanted me to go therapy for it. But no one has ever said I had an anger problem besides her. I am convinced that she was, and is, offloading her aggression onto me, in order to get rid of it--and play the role of victim for her friends, family and T.  I am not dismissing my role in this toxic dance. 

I guess what I need to do is stop taking her bait. I understand the dynamic now. Some say this is a sophisticated form of brain washing, and I believe it. I'm not completely sure that I am the abuser or that she is--even though I sort of have an idea of what's happening.

Have any of you experienced this--or had this revelation (that the totality of the problems in the relationship was due to projective identification on the BPs part)?

[Devaluedman]

Hi all,

I have been a few charms with my ex, and couldn't maintain NC for more than three weeks (she keeps contacting me, and respond  :'(). Anyway, I came across the term "projective identification."  It is, of course, a tactic BPs employ.  But I finally believe I understand why I acted the way I did in the relationship.

I believe that I didn't act very nicely in the relationship. I called her names, berated her--and generally got angry when she refused to do what I wanted (which was basically reconcile and save our marriage).  Right after we married, the fights started.  I couldn't stop getting angry.  In some ways, I feel she baited me, and continues to bait me, so she can say I am the abusive one.  In fact, she has convinced all the therapists that I am abusive, and have anger management issues. She wanted me to go therapy for it. But no one has ever said I had an anger problem besides her. I am convinced that she was, and is, offloading her aggression onto me, in order to get rid of it--and play the role of victim for her friends, family and T.  I am not dismissing my role in this toxic dance. 

I guess what I need to do is stop taking her bait. I understand the dynamic now. Some say this is a sophisticated form of brain washing, and I believe it. I'm not completely sure that I am the abuser or that she is--even though I sort of have an idea of what's happening.

Have any of you experienced this--or had this revelation (that the totality of the problems in the relationship was due to projective identification on the BPs part)?

[Lifewriter16]

You might be interested in this, Devaluedman. It explains why nons so often get to be seen by outsiders as being the source of the problem in non-BPD relationships:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nloftn8XJH0

Lifewriter x

[Devaluedman]

Thanks so much for the video. Fascinating (and scary stuff). 

[Lifewriter16]

Watching this made me realise that when my BPDxbf thought I was angry (I wasn't), projective identification was going on. I ended up looking angry because I was so frustrated that he wasn't seeing me for who I was. Basically, I allowed myself to be baited into living down to his lousy expectations. It seems that this is why walking away or not reacting works, it stops the process in mid flow and leaves the pwBPD with their own emotions.

Lifewriter x

[Devaluedman]

Life,

It has changed my life, knowing that I am not alone, and that I have an explanation for all the bizarre behaviors and accusations. I was going nuts. (But that's what the BPs want I guess--for you to lose it.)

BPs are highly intelligent, so this all makes so much sense how they are able to offload their toxic waste on us.

[Skip]

In some ways, I feel she baited me, and continues to bait me, so she can say I am the abusive one.  In fact, she has convinced all the therapists that I am abusive, and have anger management issues.

I'd be very careful with this concept or any that lays the root of your behavior on her (or someone else). I'd also stay away from "urban legends" that suggest she has the power to pull you back into the relationship against your will.

If you wanted to reconcile the marriage and responded to her disinterest in the same by calling her names and berating her... .you probably need to own that. It's not a very functional reaction.

That said, if she wasn't interested in reconciling and you were flipping out on her, she may very well have baited you or exploited you bad reaction, because it was easier to push away from the angry you than the "hurt and loving" you.  

Breaking up with someone that cares about you is hard.  Weak people will run off or fuel fights, or cheat, to make things end.  You gave her a target to exploit. This isn't a BPD thing - it goes beyond that.

Can you relate to any of this?