Husband missing work and blaming me for it

[SweetCharlotte]

Things had been going well for so long with my uBPDh and me. However, yesterday I started to feel like I needed to get out of the marriage again. We have a commuter marriage; he is undiagnosed and in total denial. Saturday night we fought over the phone. I had asked him some advice for a work situation (I was recently promoted to a position of mid-range responsibility in a large organization). He gave me what I felt was very good advice. Then, he blasted me, saying that HE can never talk to ME about HIS work, because I don't allow it. This is partly true but mainly belongs to the past: he had a supervisor he would complain about incessantly, and I asked him to stop sharing this with me. Now that supervisor isn't there anymore. I thought that he was updating me on his work experiences appropriately in recent times. So this accusation took me by surprise, especially just after I had opened up to him about things bothering me at work and with my finances.

Then he continued to blast me, saying that I was sh¡#¡ng all over him. I was like What the heck? Didn't see it coming. I just snapped, and literally said to him, "You are an abusive crazy f*¢k" and also "why do I always marry crazy, abusive men?" (my first husband has some sort of autistic disorder and has scary meltdowns). You can imagine how this ignited him. It was blame, blame, blame, and I finally hung up. I should have hung up as soon as the accusations started flying, but he doesn't like that either.

I realized I had walked into a mine field. He had been showing signs of disordering all day, texting me asking for tax documents that I had thrown away because he told me that I could. He owes back taxes that he pays monthly (I discovered his tax debt for him when we married and I filed 12 years of back tax returns for him). He has several other creditors, for a sum of $110K. He pays $1K per month on his debts, but only erases about $5K of principal per year. We are in our fifties and he cannot file for bankruptcy because much of it is tax/educational. I have two children, one in college and one in middle school, so I am very concerned about putting them through college without their accruing loans/debts.

To avenge the wrongs committed against him, he canceled six upcoming airline flights to come see me, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had paid for half of these tickets. When you cancel, you lose a $90 penalty on each. He also stayed home from work yesterday and was threatening to do the same today, blaming my cruelty for his incapacity. He has missed so much work for so many years that he has to pay back several hundred dollars of his salary for each day that he misses. He has a very bad absentee rate because of these psychotic break days as well as hypochondria (dizzy spells) and illnesses caused by his uBPD (binge eating, unnecessary operations).

At this point, despite being committed to staying for the five years we have been married (three years since I diagnosed him as having BPD), I feel like I am done. I blocked him on my cell since yesterday and have had no further contact. We are friends on Facebook and he hasn't blocked me as he usually does in a fight. I will leave that as it is. I am so disgusted that he has deliberately wasted my money precisely when I told him that I was concerned about money matters for the children's sakes. In addition, I only accepted the promotion to pay for my son's college tuition. Otherwise, it takes up my whole life and wouldn't be worth it.

I know that it's like the Carl Sandburg poem, substituting pwBPD for "children": "Why did the children put beans in their ears, when the one thing we told the children they must not do was put beans in their ears? Why did the children pour molasses on the cat, when the one thing we told the children they must not do was pour molasses on the cat?"

I am feeling overwhelmed by this sudden reversal, but also strangely calm. This time I don't know if I want to reconcile. I feel like I could let some time pass and then calmly file for divorce when I am ready. Am I just kidding myself? Will I let him come back when the pain and loss fade? I am really sick of having an emotional tyrant in my life, and the looming danger of his financial irresponsibility is no longer tolerable. I don't feel safe.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sounds like you are at a bit of a cross roads as to your future.

Probably time for a bit of a breather to work out if this is a moment of clarity or simply frustration.

It could be that what he is doing is simply rebellion against what he fears as being controlled. So he tries to control first.

[SweetCharlotte]

A breather is right.

Today he contacted me via Facebook messenger. I still have him blocked on my cell phone. He asked if he was still supposed to come see me this weekend, because my daughter had asked him whether he was coming. This is after he texted me that he had cancelled all the flights we had booked and for which we had shared payment, up to and including Christmas. It was just a lie.

I told him that I was busy and he should cancel the trip for this weekend. I really don't have time for his baloney and I'm tired of being manipulated.

[SweetCharlotte]

I just verified with my D-12. She has not contacted him to ask whether he is coming this weekend. She also blocked him on her cell.

What a liar! I've really had enough.

[waverider]

I told him that I was busy and he should cancel the trip for this weekend. I really don't have time for his baloney and I'm tired of being manipulated.

First job is to stop for a moment and simplify your life, pwBPD have a tendency to layer issue over issue until you are so confused and harassed you do, or say, something you regret.

Reaction is the foundation stone to building regret.