He hurt me, I finally got brave and left, he continues to hurt me

[golfergirl2015]

My ex-fiancé had all the traits of BPD. My mother also has traits of BPD but I missed the signs with my ex. It was a roller coaster of emotions and problems throughout our almost five year relationship. I was an idiot girl so wanting a relationship I kept ignoring all the big bold red flags. We meant, we talked for months, we had our first date and it just exploded from there. He was my first real boyfriend. First real relationship. He was nice a lot of the time. A lot of people liked him. But he had a lot of emotional baggage. So much of which he lied about. His father abandoned him at a young age and really wasn't a good role model at all. His mother was very angry, bitter, and narcissistic woman. She was young when she had him but growing up he was more like her husband than her son. I really felt bad for him. I tired loving him best I could without being like his mom.

Then little bits and pieces I would slowly find out he smoked pot, then it was he just tried K2, spice, potpourri, whatever you call it but he would never do it again. He followed me to my college. He really wanted to be with me. He asked me to marry him before we were together a year. Then he asked again a little after a year. Asked my parents permission and then the following day told me he had been using crack but he wanted help because of me. He wanted to do better because of me. He kept giving me outs but I was so blinded by love I refused to take them. I loved him. A guy who was always just respectful enough never pushing me farther than I wanted to go. I slept with him despite knowing all of this. Even friends trying to warn me because in front of my friends he would always make fun of me. Put me down call me names. He called me a whore on several occasions. He was so low in his own self-esteem he couldn't build me up and encourage. He would sometimes rarely apologize.

I continued to stay with him. Found out in couples counseling which we went to like three sessions and quit. He was possibly molested by a younger cousin girl. He would always say just enough for you to feel sorry for him that it wasn't his fault. He kept using drugs not crazy but just pot or k2 but never be honest about it. He would stay clean for awhile than go back to using. He always acted like he loved me just enough so I wouldn't want to leave but make it out to be like I should leave him.

Flash forward I stay with him through three relapses. We continue to stay together. But abuse continues. I am good enough some days and then other days he's so in love with me and then just when I think he's finally getting it together he disappears for long periods of time. Doesn't answer phone calls or texts. He is clearly an addict but acts just enough that he cares so he's not abandon. I lived with him for a short period and had to move out because his roommate was bad news and he wouldn't leave. I didn't feel safe. So my ex felt I abandoned him and he would never say it aloud but he always held it against me but continued to stay with me.

Flash forward some more we are going into our fifth year in this messed up relationship. I am no where near perfect. I am a workaholic and I can be selfish at times. I also was very addicted to shopping for clothes. I keep working hard keep same job four years still with same company today since January. He could never keep a job has not been with same job since we started dating. I graduate with my bachelors. He shows up pissed from the get go that he has to come to my graduation. No respect for me the entire weekend. Tells terrible things about me in front of my family. There was no doubt in my mind he was jealous. He had cried like a child a couple months before that he threw it all away his future for drugs yet continued to use.

He gets counseling for awhile. Thinks about going back to school to be a drug counselor gets his life back on track. His mother of course doesn't support him wanting to go back to school. I continue to feel sorry for him. During this whole time lives with mom and two new babies and a new step dad. Mom makes everyone help out with babies. Makes you feel guilty if you don't. Her husband doesn't know how to talk to anyone he's like a big child himself. Sad situation. He's 24 his mom is 42 and his dad is 51. A mess of a situation.  He and I decided to get own apartment he's back on track great job. Three weeks before the big move he starts habitually using spice again. He crashes his 43,000 pound garbage truck. Almost dying and continues to use. Pretty sure he lost his job. I feel horrible but decided to break up with him. Not sticking around long enough to see what happens

I can't let go still in love with him. It's almost been three months and he's stayed completely silent. Told his whole family not to talk to me. I continue to blame myself that some how I caused all this. I know it's not true but to this day he's never tried to apologize. He's never tried explaining what actually happened. Some say he wanted to break up with me before I did him but it makes no sense. I'm having trouble moving on questioning myself and the relationship. Did he ever actually love me?  Why would he never speak to me again?

I am trying to figure it all out but I know I am just better off not knowing. It hurts and makes me seriously question every time he said he loved me?  I truly know he is BPD. I feel sorry for him. I apologized a ton do not even know why. I have it great only bad part is the job I got was near him because it's job I always wanted. And everyday I'm here I'm reminded of good and bad memories I wished could just be wiped out. I never would've taken job had I known. But I got my own place away from his close area. It's a great place and its an amazing job I love. I have so much to be thankful for. I still love him. I feel sorry for him. I feel like him not talking to me is the abuse continuing. Anyone have any great advice on how to deal with this and move on? I am not good at not talking things out!  It's causing me to be no where near ready for new guys I scare them all away with this guilt and baggage I'm caring.

[ArleighBurke]

GolferGirl, it is not your fault.

It is NOT your fault.

"Normal" relationships are difficult, and with a BPD it's tenfold. You can only control you, not him, and sometimes no matter how much effort and love you put in - it will never be enough.

Take time to grieve, for you have lost something precious to you. Grieve, and recover, and find yourself again.