Hello. Seeking answers and needing support

[Princessbride]

Hello, and wow!  It was really hard for me to write that subject line... .To express that I need some help.

I am in a relationship with an individual I love and whom I believe loves me very much.  However, he exhibits extreme bouts of rage that I feel are emotionally and physically damaging to me. ( physical - impact of stress). Our story is so long, I don't even know where to begin.

75 % of my memories are peppered with some explosive episode.  I suppose the best illustration of these occurances is that the trigger seems often times quite irrational or disproportionate to the response.   For example, I once opted to try to make a left turn leaving the Post Office. ( instead of going behind the building to make a right turn/ u!turn). He was so irate with traffic, and me, that he got out of the car to go stand on the median and "direct me".  Once I was able to turn, I had to stop traffic to pick him up.  He was screaming at me for my decision making and tried to open the door on the on ramp.  I had to take him home instead of out to dinner with family, as planned.  Me.  Solo. In tears.

We've explored several avenues... .A brief stint in counseling, a 3 hour assessment for asbergers... .Thankfully, a lightbulb recently went off.  I remembered he had a diagnosis during rehabilitation for alcoholism.  (Just before I met him 71/2 years ago) I dismissed it, as I knew nothing of the classification, and considered it might have been part of the alcohol abuse.  BPD. 

Now that I have begun to educate myself about this disorder, and look at descriptions of relationship dynamics, I feel a huge relief.  I have felt like I was an Alien.  I wasn't sure how I got here, why I stayed, and why things are the way they are.  I have felt so alone, angry, and resentful.  Only a few people know the depth of the situation.  I have tried discussing it with his family members.  They have never seemed to directly acknowledge the behavior, though his mother has been a direct recipient of the angry verbal attacks.

We had another episode Sunday.  I spoke with him about my thoughts during the brief window where we could talk about it yesterday. He agreed to go for assessment when our insurance kicks in in November.

Any kind words, suggestions, sharing of similar stories would be greatly appreciated.  I'm just so tired.

Thank you!

Jekyll and Hyde

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beacher]

Wow, I can really relate. They flip out over the smallest things. Also had a car incident. His answer when I try to reason with him is " it's a big deal to me, and you have to validate and respect how I am feeling".  I understand but also get very very tired because it happens so frequently. Also watched him verbally abuse his parents. Especially his mother. At first I was horrified but could understand how annoying she is and a pathological liar. But the rage and visciousness of it was scary. Now I see it was completely unacceptable and I am the target now.

One thing I WILL not tolerate is any physical abuse and neither should you. He denies it after it happens but I now sleep in my daughters room with a lock on. Don't lose your self respect if he touches you! I love him but enough a enough and I too am greatly releived there is a name for this- BPD. At least your guy is seeking treatment, mine has decided to go off all his meds for depression and is complete denial about his behavior. Hang in there and check in often. This site is my godsend.

[Beacher]

Oh I'm sorry, re- read your post re: stress. I am a pain management patient and truly believe a lot of it is brought on by the stress. Clenching and being ridged certainly brings it on! I make a point of spending time out of the house and quiet moments. Recently let my loved ones in on what I am going through- have hidden it for 9'years because I love him so much and thought I could change him. I need to change ME in order to deal and be happy.

[sunesky]

 

Just want you to know your not alone. This journey has been a huge relief for me as well as quite an eye opener. However, I've also looked at myself and why I've stayed., going on 6 years in January. I've discovered I have Co dependency issues, and I'm his ying to my yang, . It takes two to tango... .thank goodness I have my own counsellor to explore this about me because sometimes it can feel like your fighting a losing battle, and getting severe battle fatigue (trying to make things better) when really we should be focusing on ourselves sometimes and how to help ourselves too. It's a great place to get support, as sometimes I've had so many breakups with my partner that my support system is kinda losing their support for me (the why do you stay? You can find someone so much better for you stuff) from all this chaos we go through.

Anyways, good luck in your journey, and trust your judgement.  Look after yourself too.

[Beacher]

It's funny that for the last year ( I left him for 2 months last September when he tried to jerk me off a chair 2 weeks after spinal surgery on my neck) he has been telling me " you are the one that needs help, you need to stop looking at me and take a look in the mirror". I believe this is called gas lighting? Well I reached my breaking point and took his advice and have been seeing a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist for anti depressants and anti anxiety. I did not realize what a mess I was dealing with this for so long by myself and it is wonderful having this support where I can say anything and get an objective opinion. I do not think he realizes it has backfired on him since they both tell me how sick he is and I need a plan to leave. Still holding on to the hope he will go for therapy specifically for BPD but think his narcissism will prevent that. Found out recently he obtained a lawyer after I left because of his fear I will file. I'm very sad because I am 55 and was hoping to be winding down and living a nice retirement life with him, but the thought of being alone with him 24/7 scares the hell out of me. I dread starting my life over again and go back to working full time so I have some hard decisions to make now. One day at a time! I suggest individual therapy or support group in addition to this forum for anyone living with a BPD partner.

[Princessbride]

Thank you so very much for your responses.  I appreciate you sharing your stories and insights.  Great advice about seeking a therapist independently, thank you. I have thought a lot about my role in this relationship.  I'm new to this group, and am just reading about the emotional caretaker, etc.  I hope through support here, and therapy, that I am able to gain some clarity.

Thinking of each of you in your relationships. Thank you for reaching out.