Key locks to my bedroom...

[Hopeful_Mom]

Hi, I am new here. Like many of you, each day is exhausting. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in a rocking chair reading Goodnight Moon to my DD. Now, my husband and I are locked in our bedroom each night, feeling like prisoners in a cell. We have the car keys, the scissors, the electronics etc. in there with us. Each time that I lie in bed and think of my daughter turning her back on God and telling me that she doesn't love me, I cry myself to sleep. I know that it has to get better. I would love to hear from someone who is on the other side of "all of this".  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mimi99]

Welcome. It is so heartbreaking to see our precious babies become so ill and out of control. Here you will find many people who know exactly what you are going through. Maybe you can tell us more about your situation, for example how old is your daughter?

My daughter was diagnosed as BPD as a teen and as a family we completed a year of intensive DBT therapy. Unfortunately, it was only helpful in a limited way and we continued to struggle for many years. She had good periods where she graduated from high school, enrolled in nursing school, was in a 12 step recovery program, etc. During the bad times, we walked on eggshells, never knowing when she would "blow". Eventually we had to ask her to leave. Fortunately my husband found this website and with some of the tools (I haven't made use of them all--its a process) and the feedback from others here we have found some peace in our home.

I have accepted that life will never be "normal" for her and neither will our relationship with her. I can be okay with that as long as I keep working on myself and set boundaries that I stick to.

We are looking forward to hearing more from you. You are in the right place.

[thefixermom]

Since you brought up God, I will say that even if your daughter turns her back on God, that God never turns his/her back on your daughter.  In my case, after decades of investing large amounts of worry, pain, frustration, fear, guilty, money and time, I have stepped out of the way and will let God present the circumstances to help her without my interference.  My DD38 is still suffering, still blaming me, still struggling with her friendships and jobs and health... .but she is finding her way on her own. It is my belief she will dig down deep and discover who she is and how to manage her life and she will do this better without me catching her as she falls each time.  Our home is peaceful again and my DH and I have repaired the wounds in our marriage that occurred through living with DD.  We are back to having our home a place of joy and openness with friends and other family members.  I don't cry any more at night because I have released my DD, with love, now that I realize that all my attempts could never "fix," her... .I can only fix my life... .and I choose peace.  I pray for my DD and I listen to her and I talk to her normally now. In other words, when she mocks my voice, I treat her the way I would any one else. I say, "Why are you talking like that?"  When she answers me with, "I'm showing you how you sound when you pretend to care about me," then I say, "I do care about you and I'm not going to play that game. Would you rather talk later?"  That usually gets her back on track.  Sometimes she just hangs up and I then go about my business. I don't want to give her any mileage out of her antics, nor do I want to pretend they don't happen like I used to.  I have arrived at a place where I think it's better for two out of three people to be happy rather than all three of us miserable.  My DD is not allowed to steal our peace of mind any more. It took me a very long time to arrive here and I have no regrets.  It is what it is and I'm just grateful to be able to live freely and experience joy without guilt again.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Hopeful_Mom,

I'm glad you are here!



lbj

[marie1057]

Hi, My 23 son is not on the other side, however I would say I have turned a corner. I have gone thru the heartbreak of seeing him turn against God, become verbally abusive, self harm, lose friendships and refuse help. I have even done the lock the bedroom door and felt afraid thing. What is helping me is this board, reading many many books on BPD, using dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) workbooks, going to therapy myself and practicing mindfulness. I believe one day something will change for him when he is ready. In the meantime, I take care of myself, pray and live moment to moment with some peace now. I can't change him. I love him and I have learned skills to validate him. Some communication is harder than others. I am emotionally stronger than a year ago. Take care of yourself and be open to learning new skills to relating. Ps. He is noticing Mom is getting healthier and beginning to enjoy her life.

[lbjnltx]

Hi, My 23 son is not on the other side, however I would say I have turned a corner. I have gone thru the heartbreak of seeing him turn against God, become verbally abusive, self harm, lose friendships and refuse help. I have even done the lock the bedroom door and felt afraid thing. What is helping me is this board, reading many many books on BPD, using dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) workbooks, going to therapy myself and practicing mindfulness. I believe one day something will change for him when he is ready. In the meantime, I take care of myself, pray and live moment to moment with some peace now. I can't change him. I love him and I have learned skills to validate him. Some communication is harder than others. I am emotionally stronger than a year ago. Take care of yourself and be open to learning new skills to relating. Ps. He is noticing Mom is getting healthier and beginning to enjoy her life.

My daughter noticed too.  Being a living example of what we would like for our children to be doing is the highest level of parenting and love.

[Hopeful_Mom]

Thank you all for the feedback. My daughter is 16. Like many of your children, she was difficult, even in infancy. The past year or so, things have escalated a lot. We have a great psychologist, but her schedule is very full, and appointments can be tough. I appreciate the encouragement, and hope that I can do the same for many of you.

I tried validating, intentionally, for the first time yesterday. For me, I need to practice. It is difficult to continually exert effort (after long days at work) when my daughter is disrespectful and unkind to me every day.

[lbjnltx]

It is tough to validate someone who is being ugly to you.

It can help to develop our empathy for them and sometimes we need to first learn to be in wisemind so that our empathy can take the lead.

The Tools section has a topic Listen with Empathy and a link to a great workshop.  The Lessons section has great info for us to put to use in our own lives... .like Mindfulness and Wisemind to help us cope and be better able to empathize, communicate in healthy ways with our kids and help them develop their own skills.

It really helped me to understand that this is a circular, not linear, process.  Each member in the family is affected by the other members.  When I change my relationships change.  This is where I have power.

lbj

[halfquarter]

Hi,

You are living my life, as last night I locked my door to my bedroom and felt actual fear.

Somehow, someway, we need to change how we react and be loving and mindful even though we are terrified, stressed out and sad.

We need to focus on ourselves and learn to change our reactions to their behavior.

I am trying.

[Hopeful_Mom]

Halfquarter, keep trying. Thanks for sharing that I am not alone.