Ex/Co-worker and Splitting

[Depression = 72% of members]

I work with my ex. We weren't working together when we began dating. We were together for approximately 4 months. We had been friends for 6 months, although for 5 of those months, she lived out of the country.

I suspect she has BPD, as do many of her former friends.

When she ended the relationship, she said she wanted to remain friends. I wanted to continue the relationship. The breakup was a bigger roller coaster than our relationship. She was super flirty with me one day and completely disinterested the next. In the end, I told her I just wanted to be civil at work, because I didn't like how I was responding to the push/pull.

The next day, she saw me talking to her bestie at work and became enraged. Out of the work setting, she raised her fist and said she was having to hold herself back from punching me in the face. I had never seen her that angry before. She immediately blocked me from Facebook, email, and her phone, although I had no intention of communicating with her outside of being civil at work. Immediately after threatening me with violence, she accused me of buying her things, so I could be abusive. That night, she left me an apology voicemail on my phone.

The following week, she sent an email through our work server asking that I not work in the office, because it makes her uncomfortable. She has reported me to my boss twice. My boss has told me it's headed towards an official hostile work environment complaint.

I walk on eggshells now hoping she doesn't misinterpret something I do. I avoid contact with her as much as possible. I'm so uncomfortable every time I have to go to the office. I can't tell my boss it's just her. I'm not sure how I tackle this problem.

My ex got into another relationship quickly after ours, and I thought she would back off of me at work. I thought her being distracted with a guy would make her less vengeful. That didn't happen. Now, they're broken up, but they're still friends. They don't work together, but she hasn't banned him from all forms of communication. They're fine.

I don't understand why she is so vindictive to me and not her last ex.

How do I tackle this problem at work as well?

[Owl Galaxy]

I work with my ex. We weren't working together when we began dating. We were together for approximately 4 months. We had been friends for 6 months, although for 5 of those months, she lived out of the country.

I suspect she has BPD, as do many of her former friends.

When she ended the relationship, she said she wanted to remain friends. I wanted to continue the relationship. The breakup was a bigger roller coaster than our relationship. She was super flirty with me one day and completely disinterested the next. In the end, I told her I just wanted to be civil at work, because I didn't like how I was responding to the push/pull.

The next day, she saw me talking to her bestie at work and became enraged. Out of the work setting, she raised her fist and said she was having to hold herself back from punching me in the face. I had never seen her that angry before. She immediately blocked me from Facebook, email, and her phone, although I had no intention of communicating with her outside of being civil at work. Immediately after threatening me with violence, she accused me of buying her things, so I could be abusive. That night, she left me an apology voicemail on my phone.

The following week, she sent an email through our work server asking that I not work in the office, because it makes her uncomfortable. She has reported me to my boss twice. My boss has told me it's headed towards an official hostile work environment complaint.

I walk on eggshells now hoping she doesn't misinterpret something I do. I avoid contact with her as much as possible. I'm so uncomfortable every time I have to go to the office. I can't tell my boss it's just her. I'm not sure how I tackle this problem.

My ex got into another relationship quickly after ours, and I thought she would back off of me at work. I thought her being distracted with a guy would make her less vengeful. That didn't happen. Now, they're broken up, but they're still friends. They don't work together, but she hasn't banned him from all forms of communication. They're fine.

I don't understand why she is so vindictive to me and not her last ex.

How do I tackle this problem at work as well?

[enlighten me]

Hi Owl galaxy

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you are going through this. A lot of us have been painted black by our exs and suffered smear campaigns. There are many here that have had their jobs compromised by their exs accusations.

Do you still have the voicemail and would it show your boss her behaviour being at fault?

Would other workers back you up about her behaviour.

It may be worth your while having a look at the leaving board as there are lessons and articles that could be of use to you.

[Owl Galaxy]

Thank you for your response.

I have the voicemail still, but it's a ridiculous apology. It isn't specific to threatening to hit me, and that incident happened outside of work.

There is a friend of hers at work who is willing to back me up a bit about the situation.

My ex saw me talking to her friend after a staff meeting. Her friend invited her over. My ex gave me a dirty look and walked away. I sent her an email later saying we could peacefully coexist in groups at work, or I would walk away, so she can talk to her friends without being inhibited by me. This was before I knew how significant the splitting was. She responded by calling her friend, yelling at her that I was trying to cause trouble for her, and that she didn't trust me. She wanted her friend to say she liked her better than me.

My ex has already turned another person against me, so I just don't really engage that person anymore. It's completely changed our work relationship. That person sent me an email essentially implying that I had been using her to get back at my ex due to a post she read on my Facebook. Who does that? Lol.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Will there ever be a time she just drops it and doesn't actively try to get me fired?

How can she be super chill with this latest ex, but paint me all black?

[enlighten me]

I cant answer how long she will behave the way she does. The problem is that she is acting on feelings and not actual fact. If she feels you are conspiring against her then she will react to it. You cannot know how she is feeling from one moment to the next so cannot tell how she will react.

Is your boss someone that will listen to you?

Has your ex ever caused trouble in work?

Actions speak louder than words so if you can show that you are not doing anything to antagonise your ex and that it is one sided then you should be ok.

If you behave professionally and don't take any bait then the chances are that she will be the one that messes up.

She can try turning people against you and it wont be a comfortable place to work but the more she puts into this the more it will become apparent that she is the one causing trouble.

Do not take the bait. I say this again as it is what causes people more damage and makes them look like the ones with a problem.

[Owl Galaxy]

My boss is not someone who listens to me. My boss mainly works in our northern office. I see her once a month at best. Her communication style is difficult (I'm not the only one who has a hard time communicating with her).

My ex has had difficulties with co-workers in the past when her title was different. I don't think anything was documented, however. I don't think it's anything people would remember.

I don't talk to her when I go to the office. I only speak to her if she speaks to me about work related things. I don't take the bait when she gives me a dirty look or anything. It just makes me so nervous. She can misinterpret anything. I feel like I'm on the defensive. I feel uncomfortable. I love my job. It's what I've been working towards for a long time. Ever since my boss said, "One more thing, and we're talking hostile work environment," I worry all of the time. In reality, the environment is hostile for me, because she is trying to get me fired and trying to turn others against me. I feel like I can't even be me at work anymore. I like buying people coffee or lunch sometimes. It makes me happy to break up the work monotony with a little gesture like that. The simple act of getting people coffee is a thing that gives me joy. I can't do that anymore. If I give her a coffee too, she'll complain. If I get everyone a coffee but her, she'll complain. I try not to talk to people I know she likes. I try to talk to people where she can't possibly overhear me, because I'm worried she'll misinterpret.

She hasn't been causing a big scene at work. She's been waiting to complain directly to my boss when she can spin her tales. I feel like my boss instantly sided with her before I even knew there were sides. My boss didn't ever ask me for my side. She just told me to stop working at the office, and that it was headed towards hostile work environment.

[enlighten me]

If this is the case again that your boss takes her side without seeking yours then you have grounds for a complaint. I know it wont help you where you are but if it gets to the point that you may be forced out of your job then you may be left with no choice. By being victimised by your ex and the company backing her without getting your side then its discrimination. Better to have left a company because of discrimination than to be forced out for harassment.

[Owl Galaxy]

Thank you.

I LOVE my job. It's what I've been working towards for a long time. It's not just what I do; it's a part of who I am.

I'm a behavior analyst with adults with disabilities and mental health diagnoses. I also LOVE where I work. The values of the company match mine. I think the people I work with are fantastic.

Everything is wonderful EXCEPT for my ex and my boss. The coworker she managed to turn to her "side" as if there is a side... .Eh, I don't want anyone who is so quick to think so poorly of me.

Maybe I'll try to talk to my boss just to illuminate "my side."

I don't want to lose this job over her. I've been super compassionate and understanding of her (my mother has BPD and some of the individuals that I serve have it also - it's something I understand and know how to work with), but that hasn't gotten me anywhere.