Help My fiancé has broken off our engagement

[KarinB]

Hello All,

I am sitting here in floods of tears at the moment, trying to understand what is happening to my life.

I am certain that my fiancé has BPD. He gets very angry when I try to bring it up or even talk about it. Therapy is no option at the moment as he won't admit to having a real problem. I have had an inkling for a while now but not fully understood exactly what he is suffering from. I have always blamed it on his very damaged childhood. His father had a mental problem which my fiancé won't acknowledge or even speak about.

I guess I needed to 'speak' to someone who might understand, hence writing this post here.

My fiancé told me that he wants to break up with me yesterday after I confronted him about his mood which had been bad for 4 days straight. He wants to end our 4.5 year relationship and cancel our wedding in 8 months time. I am beyond upset as only 4 days ago he told me how he truly loved me and we have been trying for a baby this month too!

I know that he has felt 'up and down' about our relationship as long as we have been together. Some days I am the best thing that ever happened to him and some days he could not feel further away from me. These are his own words. And he feels extremely guilty for thinking badly of me.

He is extremely snappy and his mood gets to me, it depresses me as it is often hurtful although he says 'not to take it personally'. His reasons for breaking up with me is that he no longer wants to hurt me. I am too good for him, he doesn't deserve me and so on.

I love him, from the bottom of my heart. And I am prepared to stay beside him no matter what happens. I won't be treated like sh*t but I might find it easier not to take things 'personal' when I know that it is his illness and not him that is talking and hurting me.

He is always very good at apologising after an episode of unfair treatment. He does recognise his mood swings and often apologise saying he cannot help them referring to me as patient and a good listener.

I know that I cannot change his feelings. If he truly doesn't love me anymore than I will accept it but I am finding it hard as it was good only a few days ago. He has pushed me away before but it has always resulted in him coming back crying asking me not to leave him. But this time he seems very certain that our relationship cannot go on any longer as he will only keep on hurting me and that he needs to let me go to give me a chance to find someone else to marry and have children with before my time is up.

He told me yesterday that his heart wants him to stay with me but that his head does not?

I am distraught to say the least and was hoping that someone out there might be able to offer me some kind of comfort and help in trying to deal with this situation.ld me yesterday that his heart wants him to stay with me but that his head does not?

Love, K

x

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[an0ught]

Hi Karin,

this is a huge shock and from how you sound a bit surprising   

I am certain that my fiancé has BPD. He gets very angry when I try to bring it up or even talk about it. Therapy is no option at the moment as he won't admit to having a real problem.

It is not easy to admit that something is so fundamentally wrong that one needs outside help. Generally it is not recommended to try to confront a pwBPD with our insight - after all we are not professionals. On the other hand the "ideal" path is not open so what is one going to do   In any case it is worth keeping in mind at the moment that this topic may be triggering to him and not the best to bring up in the current crisis situation.

He is always very good at apologising after an episode of unfair treatment. He does recognise his mood swings and often apologise saying he cannot help them referring to me as patient and a good listener.

Insight is always helpful. Still won't stop a repeat as insight will be disconnected from behavior when emotions take overs. You still need boundaries to stop abuse when it is about to happen.

He told me yesterday that his heart wants him to stay with me but that his head does not?

The relationship is stressed. He is unhappy. So it is logical to leave. On the the other hand he still feels attached - not surprising after almost half a decade together.

What can you do? Most important: Not making it worse. Avoid invalidation. Think about how he feels. Accept that you can't change that. Avoid arguing directly against these emotions as that would be invalidating and would strengthen them. Admit that recently there has been lots of stress. Admit that things don't look good. Spell out that you heard him he is not sure whether the wants to go forward. Validating that there is a crisis and there need to be changes may help him to calm down.

For more on how to communicate read up in the LESSONS.

,

a0

[KarinB]

Hi Karin,

this is a huge shock and from how you sound a bit surprising   

I am certain that my fiancé has BPD. He gets very angry when I try to bring it up or even talk about it. Therapy is no option at the moment as he won't admit to having a real problem.

It is not easy to admit that something is so fundamentally wrong that one needs outside help. Generally it is not recommended to try to confront a pwBPD with our insight - after all we are not professionals. On the other hand the "ideal" path is not open so what is one going to do   In any case it is worth keeping in mind at the moment that this topic may be triggering to him and not the best to bring up in the current crisis situation.

He is always very good at apologising after an episode of unfair treatment. He does recognise his mood swings and often apologise saying he cannot help them referring to me as patient and a good listener.

Insight is always helpful. Still won't stop a repeat as insight will be disconnected from behavior when emotions take overs. You still need boundaries to stop abuse when it is about to happen.

He told me yesterday that his heart wants him to stay with me but that his head does not?

The relationship is stressed. He is unhappy. So it is logical to leave. On the the other hand he still feels attached - not surprising after almost half a decade together.

What can you do? Most important: Not making it worse. Avoid invalidation. Think about how he feels. Accept that you can't change that. Avoid arguing directly against these emotions as that would be invalidating and would strengthen them. Admit that recently there has been lots of stress. Admit that things don't look good. Spell out that you heard him he is not sure whether the wants to go forward. Validating that there is a crisis and there need to be changes may help him to calm down.

For more on how to communicate read up in the LESSONS.

,

a0

a0, thank you so much for replying. It really does help to hear from others in times like this.

I am very surprised, especially that he has gone so far this time. We generally have a loving relationship and we are very compatible in many ways. It has happened before that he has 'wobbled' but he is generally the one 'crawling' back begging for forgiveness after a few hours and we have gone more than 24 hours and he still hasn't changed his mind. It is torture.

I would perhaps think that someone with a 'healthy mind' would make a decision like this after a lot of thinking whereas it just seemed to come out of his mouth yesterday when I confronted him about his mood.

I will try my very best not to make things worse but I just cry all the time as I feel like my life has been torn apart. And it is very hard not to argue against his points as I generally do not feel that we should go separate ways. Nothing bad has happened!

He has had a very tough time at work and feels that he cannot have me in his life as he cannot provide me with anything where as I don't feel that it matters.

I will try to hold my head high and hear what he says and understand how he feels, no matter how hard it is for me. I cannot help but thinking that he almost enjoys seeing me like this and as long as I am sad he will keep abusing this powerful situation.

Thanks again

Karin

[JRT]

Karin

Just wanted to stop by and say hello and tell you how much I am sorry that you are going through this.  I definitely can relate as my fiance disappeared from my life over a year ago never to be heard from again. Its not an easy thing to go through but I want to make sure that you know that it is probably true that little or nothing that you have done has caused this. Its a very good chance that your only contribution to this is that you loved him the way that someone should give love. Then the disorder takes over from there.

I am not sure what your specific course of action should be from this point as my situation was a bit different but I think that the best advice is to 1) make certain that despite whatever difficulties, that you are 100% committed to the relationship. and 2) do not push him... .give him space to breathe and let him know that this is what you are doing.

Beyond that, you will find a wealth of great information here that will help you better understand what is happening under the hood so to speak and lots of great people who have had similar predicaments that are willing to share and give their best advice.

Let me know if I can help.

[KarinB]

Hi JRT,

Firstly thank you so much for taking your time to write to me. It really helps to hear from people like yourself on a day like this and your experience on the matter is truly valued. I am also sorry to hear what happened to you a year ago and hope that you are recovering from this?

I am a bit worried right now as he will come home from work later this evening and I don't know what mood he is going to be in. If he is still going to insist on breaking up or if he will be sad and ask for forgiveness or be ready to talk through what has happened?

I will take your advice and try to give him space. If he truly wants to leave me and our relationship then I guess there is nothing or little I can do to prevent him from doing so.

We still live together so it will be hard but I will do my best. He has text/called several times today and I have replied politely but never initiated contact.

Thanks again for reaching out to me.

K

[JRT]

I am glad that I can help Karin.

I wonder if not initiating contact and only replying is a good or bad thing. Perhaps some other members here have an opinion on this. I wonder if this might trigger fears of abandonment with him and further exacerbate the situation. Maybe there is a subtle way that you can communicate your commitment to the relationship while indicating that you will take a step back?

Feel free to reach out to me if you need.

[an0ught]

Hi Karin,

right now he is equally distressed as you are, frantic calling pattern is a clear sign. You also both unhappy about the other person being unhappy. But you also are both unable to help the other person so don't try. If required admit that you are upset if you are but don't blame - this is fyi for him and to avoid him assigning other emotions to your upset voice. If it comes to a contentious topic re-direct such topics to later f2f. At the moment "we both need to calm down".

[KarinB]

Hi JRT,

Thanks for your advice.

I was also wondering whether reaching out to him or not would be the best way to deal with the situation but my own emotions got the better of me and I didn't feel able to text him as I was too upset. Also, every time I thought of perhaps texting him, he text or called me so I never got the chance.

I have tried to change my mood to prepare for his home coming and feel a little stronger to handle it whatever it will be.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and thank you again

[KarinB]

Hi Karin,

right now he is equally distressed as you are, frantic calling pattern is a clear sign. You also both unhappy about the other person being unhappy. But you also are both unable to help the other person so don't try. If required admit that you are upset if you are but don't blame - this is fyi for him and to avoid him assigning other emotions to your upset voice. If it comes to a contentious topic re-direct such topics to later f2f. At the moment "we both need to calm down".

Hi a0,

I know that he is distressed and thanks to your help and the advice I have got from this forum I am much better equipped to deal with him today. I will try to remain calm, not accuse him of anything and listen to what he says.

Also, the situation has had 36 hours to calm down and you are always able to see things clearer once the dust have settled right?

I am petrified of losing him. I love him dearly and was looking forward to getting married in June next year but things don't always work out as planned I guess.

I just hope that he won't give up on what we have, as it is actually a good and mostly nurturing relationship.

Thanks again for your help

Karin

[HopefulDad]

Lots of good advice here.  As this is the staying board and you are committed to making this work, learn what you can here to do so.

That being said... .

Revisit your thoughts about the wedding date and having a child together.  I'm not saying cancel the wedding, but postponing it *might* be a good idea.  Same with bringing a child into this world together.  You are clearly in the early stages of learning about this disorder.  Marriage and parenting are two huge steps to take.  Having experienced what I have, I would have much rather made such decisions equipped with the knowledge I've learned here for quite some time.

You are in an envious position that many here wish they were in: You have some insight into what might be going on in your SO's head before being married and having children.  Be thankful for that as you figure out how you want to proceed.

[KarinB]

Hi HopefulDad,

Thanks for your message.

As our engagement has been called off, marriage and children are no longer on the cards, at least for now. I have to put all my efforts in to trying to save the relationship at this stage. I wonder if the whole marriage thing has scared him and rocked the boat?

My grief and pain is just very raw as I am sure you can imagine as this 'episode' of rejection has hit very hard and it is the first serious one since our engagement last Christmas.

I am grateful that I started reading up about this disorder and found the courage to post on this message board as I am sure it will help me dealing with the situation in the best way possible.

Thank you!

Karin

[JRT]

Hi JRT,

Thanks for your advice.

I was also wondering whether reaching out to him or not would be the best way to deal with the situation but my own emotions got the better of me and I didn't feel able to text him as I was too upset. Also, every time I thought of perhaps texting him, he text or called me so I never got the chance.

I have tried to change my mood to prepare for his home coming and feel a little stronger to handle it whatever it will be.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and thank you again

I think that it is very wise of you Karin to recognize that this is an emotionally charged situation that needs to be free of emotion. It is very easy to be pulled into the vortex of emotion when one is in it; so a conversation or even texting might not be the best approach. What about a concise email with preface that you have elected to go this route so that you can speak your mind and emotions clearly? Something free of emotional triggers, accusations, assignment of blame, etc. Just a succinct affirmation of your commitment tot he relationship and invitation to discuss when he is ready or such?

[JRT]

 I wonder if the whole marriage thing has scared him and rocked the boat?

You betcha!

[KarinB]

Hi JRT,

Thanks for your support!

A letter is a very good idea, I started one earlier in fact but reading it now it is full of sadness and tears and I am in a better state myself so I won't let him read what I have written. It just shows that you probably shouldn't ever talk at all when you are upset!

He just came home and came straight in to give me a little hug. Not as relaxed as normal but it was a hug never the less and he wants to talk after dinner.

Still, it is up to me to be calm and not sad. Supporting and not judging.

He was very definite in what he said yesterday and have said some thing which will be hard to change so I am not too hopeful but we will see.

Thanks again

K

[JRT]

Hi JRT,

Thanks for your support!

A letter is a very good idea, I started one earlier in fact but reading it now it is full of sadness and tears and I am in a better state myself so I won't let him read what I have written. It just shows that you probably shouldn't ever talk at all when you are upset!

He just came home and came straight in to give me a little hug. Not as relaxed as normal but it was a hug never the less and he wants to talk after dinner.

Still, it is up to me to be calm and not sad. Supporting and not judging.

He was very definite in what he said yesterday and have said some thing which will be hard to change so I am not too hopeful but we will see.

Thanks again

K

Thats a good sign! You have it better than a lot of people here where you are still in this level of communication. I would encourage you to consider that letter and if you go that direction, you may want to post it here or share it with someone else to make sure that it is in the mark.

[KarinB]

So we have spent a lot of time talking both last night and this morning (I am in the UK). It is so hard to see that he isn't as committed to me as he has been in the past but at least we are getting somewhere.

He totally broke down during our chat yesterday. Admitted that he is scared of loneliness but that he almost craves it as he was on his own for such a long time and says it is the only thing he knows. It hurt me to see him so upset and I supported him by saying that I understand that he is hurting a lot at the moment and I know that it must be hard for him too. He didn't want me to leave the room and said he felt calm and safe when I was with him. It is all very confusing and I seriously don't think he could go through a break up.

During our chat he told me what he isn't happy with in our relationship but those things will be hard for me to change. I believe his expectations are somewhat unrealistic and that all of a sudden he wants me to be someone that I am not. This obviously leaves me to think about whether we actually can be happy together going forward but I will need some time to figure that out. I cannot make a decision quickly as we have been together for a while and this decision needs to be the right one.

He told me that he battles with negative thoughts about himself, and others. He is constantly paranoid and it must be awfully hard to go through these emotions all the time. He has also agreed that if his mood doesn't change in 6 months that he will see someone to talk, which is good progress. Lets just see if he sticks to it.

So that is the progress so far. We have obviously also agreed to postpone the wedding until further notice but to stay engaged for now.

[JRT]

I think that it is a tremendous sing that you both were able to move things into the open and have a real conversation. Most of the people here will never have this luxury.

So what comes next? How does this disconnect get solved? Did either of you mention the assistance of a third party to help assist and guide you towards success and happiness? (if he has or has not been diagnosed, the conventional wisdom is to avoid mentioning BPD at any cost at this point). Your issues will not likely go away and 'working on things' is frequently a euphemism for that. If I were in the drivers seat here, I would probably steer in this direction.