Today's our 1 year anniversary- Complicated situation- what do to?

[YourRIrealtor]

So today is our first year wedding anniversary. Our story is unique in that we were engage in only 11 weeks, married 11 months after that and then I consider us getting separated 11 months after that, although we are still living together (but on separate floors).  I haven't left because I know it will break her heart. I'm not ready to do that yet but I still care and I feel awful for her.

Lots of stuff has happened in our 25 month relationship. When we met, I had just come off of 4 surgeries in the past 3 years of my life, my family lost the home we grew up in due to foreclosure, I had been out of work for a long period of time because of my surgeries but still had a job, just couldn't work due to I injury. Most importantly, a month before we met again, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He fought but passed 7 months later at 57 years old.

The week my wife and I met again, was just as my dad was preparing for his first surgery. She adorned my family with a beautiful meal that we returned home to from the hospital. That's kind of when the whirlwind (or tornado, as I call it now) started.

I have always had extreme faith and my belief in God and a higher power is what has gotten my through all of my previous obstacles in life. I thought at this time, God was putting this woman in my life for a reason. Her and I had known each other earlier in life. We went to nursery school and our parents were friends for a few short years (from when we were 2-7 years old). My wife and I hadn't seen each other on 21 years but my mom suggested I reach out to her and I did. On my way to pick her up for our first date, she texted me a picture of her and I during our kindergarten graduation standing next to each other. I felt like she could be the one because stuff like this doesn't happen. I went with it... .

Feeling a little pressure to not "wait too long to get engaged", I happen to have a ring kind of fall into my lap.  A few weeks prior to the ring falling into my lap, her father asked me if I wanted to marry his daughter. (I should have taken this as more of a sign).  Then the ring happened... .Due to the way I am, I couldn't hold on to it for long but I didn't think giving it to her would enduce instant wedding planning. Come to find out, before I even proposed, but probably after her dad asked me that question, her and her Mother went and picked out the wedding venue. I had no money to contribute due to my surgeries/being out of work but her and her parents kept saying "you don't want to wait, you don't want to wait to sleep with me, you don't want to wait to live together, my parents are paying for the wedding, you don't have to worry about anything" so I felt pressured to go with the flow since I wasn't about to contribute much. Another mistake that I overlooked.

Fast forward a few months... .And to shorten this long story... .My dad passes, 6 months later we get married, went on an extravagant honeymoon (which her parents again planned without my agreeing to), come home and I have to move out of my mom's (where I moved back to when my dad was diagnosed) and move into our new condo (that she bought). It was all too much too quick. I wasn't ready to leave my newly widowed 56 yr old mom but I had no choice. Just like I had no choice to go on this 19 days honeymoon- I didn't want to be away that long. But their answer- we will give you guys a one day break in between flights and come meet you at the airport, bring your mom with us, and we can have dinner so you guys could see each other before you head over seas. Again, pushed into a corner, I felt like I had no way out.

Now we're back and move in together. Instantly, things change. I learned my wife was very jealous of my sense of design and style. It's part of what I do for sale living and it bothered her that she wasn't the creator of some ideas. To boot, I didn't mention that she is a VERY competitive person, where I am the furthest thing from it. I'd rather the person next to me have more then me then my try to have more then them. Not my style. A week in, during an argument, when I wanted to go outside and get some air, she put me in a corner and slapped me across the face trying to get me not to leave. That stated a whole new thing- the next day I had to put my foot down and explain that I don't do physical violence. Then start her temper tantrums, her anxiety ridden night sitting in our staircase talking and screaming and crying about how she hates her life because I don't show her enough love, or spend enough time, or a number of other things she creates in her head. I plead with her to start therapy then, but she wasn't hearing it. Things didn't really get better. I just let them slide. I kept doing that. I wake up with everyday being a new day and don't dwell in the past. Everyday was a new day for her to change or redeem herself but the constant nagging and defensiveness and insecurities got worse and worse. I would try to tell her how I felt and her response was always how I was wrong to feel those ways. Again, I wanted to go to therapy because i saw this horrible signs.

Fast forward a few months, my moms house flood with the snow and water we had and she needs to move into our house. What a blessing that was. She became a buffer for my wife and I. They got along beautifully. Everyone loves my mom, she's that kind of person. She was able to defuse so many of my wife's tentrums. It was great but always worried me what it would be like when she left.

Fast forward a few more months, as my mom is preparing to leave, it happens to be my 30th birthday. I woke up on my 30th birthday with the biggest gut in my stomach. I woke up knowing I couldn't live like this anymore.  I didn't mention that the whole year passed, I spent making sure my wife didn't get pregnant. All she wanted was a baby. She even made multiple mentions of me only being around to give her babies and that she's going to be the mother and she'll play the loss against me. The flood of stories and back memories that flood my mind when I mention these things further validates to me why I feel this way. The days following my birthday, I started experiencing extreme pains in my back and side. The stress was getting to me. The pains are onset when I think about the fact that I am going to break her heart because she is overly obsessed and in love with me and I'm that kind of person who feels bad for everyone. It's causing me such pain and anxiety that I had to go to the hospital. It was at that point that she finally agreed to go to the counseling I had been suggesting for 11 months.

We are on week 3 of counseling and I am a very active participant when I am there but need to continue to live silently and on separate floors at home because I shut myself off from talking because it doesn't matter what I say, her defensiveness takes over and she doesn't hear what I am saying. I don't talk just to talk, I talk when I have something important to say.

So here we are, on our 1 year anniversary... .I'm perplexed on how to handle it... .I told her we would go to dinner tonight and she is very grateful for that. Last night while I was sleeping on the couch, she came and sat on the floor crying and crying and crying. My heart breaks for her but this is not how I can spend the rest of my life.

Any insight, feedback, questions... .Feel free to send my way... .I'm trying to get through this as best as possible and know my faith is carrying my through... But it's always good to hear outsiders input.

Thank you for reading everyone! Have a great day!

[patientandclear]

That sounds really hard. Have you had a chance to review the lessons and communications tools on the Staying board? They might assist you in exploring how much better your r/ship can realistically get. Many communications approaches that are instinctive or seem like a good bet with other people really backfire with pwBPD.