Difference between a BPD and a BPD/NPD with respect to my own healing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I want to make sure i develop myself in the right areas.

i feel like my people-pleasing behaviour in my relationship was driven by my need to live up to the expectations of my partner and also to be a great partner in general. I take pride knowing that i do my best in whatever field or activity I engage in.

But I am also very naive, and have allowed the abuse to continue for far too long.

and ive reacted poorly too, ive withdrawn and stopped caring, and become frustrated, angry and yelled at her too

[daz_bpd]

I want to make sure i develop myself in the right areas.

i feel like my people-pleasing behaviour in my relationship was driven by my need to live up to the expectations of my partner and also to be a great partner in general. I take pride knowing that i do my best in whatever field or activity I engage in.

But I am also very naive, and have allowed the abuse to continue for far too long.

and ive reacted poorly too, ive withdrawn and stopped caring, and become frustrated, angry and yelled at her too

[eeks]

Hi daz_BPD,

It's good to be proud of doing your best, but not if doing your best means you are sacrificing yourself in some way that's not sustainable. 

I looked at some of your previous posts, it sounds like you are no longer in the relationship and currently NC?  Is that correct?

So you're aware that you engaged in people-pleasing behaviour in your relationship, and you say you did it to live up to the expectations of your partner.  What were those expectations?  Looking back, were they reasonable expectations?  Could you have met them without a negative impact on yourself? 

It might be a good time, too, to think in more detail about what you expect from yourself in a relationship, and what you expect from your partner. 

[daz_bpd]

Thank you for your response,

it was NO CONTACT for 1 month, then I responded to her emails 'cry for help' and sent her more money. Things quickly spiraled from there, whatever terms we 'negotiated on' the next 1-3 days there would be an 'accident' or her sudden 'illness' or some other emergency requiring more money. ive seen these patterns before, and after setting the financial boundaries she quickly had another extinction outburst, and the FOG came rolling in... .It got really bad this time, worse than before. She did sleep with someone else last time and may be back with the guy, keeping him around when I don't help her.

Her expectations involved me doing anything she says, without question, and loving her 'unconditionally' to excuse and forgive her constant abuse, bad behaviour and poor life choices. To always rescue her from trouble (which she could have prevented). to give up on my passions and interests if it didn't suit her. to not allow me into her family life, even when i expressed the need to form healthy relationships with her siblings and parents, daughter. to live my life how she wants it, while not listening to my sound advice when it came to health and mental stability (she suffers from sporadic acid reflux, and doesn't folllow doctor's nutrition guidelines nor exercise).

If i met her 'expectations' which i always viewed as demands, ... .the controlling nature 'walking on egg shells' ensures i lead a dull shallow, empty life WITH her. And when i loved her, i was okay to give up all those things because just being with her was enough. i was happy, until her behaviour forced me to take drastic action to avoid going completely broke (she had borrowed funds, and lied to me about financial issues to such an extent, and generally spent recklessly - i would budget 4x-6x her salary on her alone and she would still blow the budget and get into more trouble)

yes i will think about that, thank you