Need some opinions on something - coincidences or bizarre attention seeking?

[Hopeful83]

Hello,

It's now been four months since my ex and I broke up. Two months in and he was engaged to someone else. The causes, I suspect, is a combination of BPD and his family being against him marrying someone who isn't from his culture.

I started NC from the day that I ended it. He tried to contact me a few weeks later and emailed me four times over three days about his 'things.' I ignored him.

What I have noticed recently, though, are some bizarre happenings and I now wonder if he's intentionally instigating them in order to try and get some sort of rise or reaction out of me.

1. I received an email from his new fianceé in which she 'apologised' for hurting me. I have never even met this person! I ignored her.

2. He emailed a friend of mine who he also knew to apologise for not being in touch with him for a while, and that he stayed away because "he didn't want to be judged." My friend ignored him.

3. He deleted photos of me off all his social media accounts, changed his photography page's FB name, deleted all photos of me that were on this page. Of course, he now posts pictures of him and his new beau all over Instagram and FB (knowing too well that some friends of mine follow him on Instagram still), with cheesy quotations underneath from movies like The Notebook.

4. Yesterday I found out from another friend that he's applied for a job at her company - a company he full well knows she works and recruits for. My friend, of course, will not touch him with a bargepole.

The last one of all these irks me the most. Why on earth would he think my friend would even look at him twice should she see him on the street, never mind consider him for a job? My friend is feisty and he should know that she'd be on my side and wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Is this normal behaviour for them? Do they try to get your attention in weird ways like this? Or is he just that clueless about how he's perceived by my friends and family - but surely, his comment on 'not wanting to be judged' shows that he knows too well that he's been judged for his entirely horrible behaviour towards me?

I'm just wondering if these 'weird' behaviours are standard BPD post-breakup? Or if I'm reading too much into them?

I live in a different country to him now and somehow he's still slipping through the net so to speak and reaching me in weird ways.

Hopeful

[enlighten me]

Hi Hopeful

I cant say what this behaviour is about but I am curious about some things.

Did the exs new partner start seeing your ex before you split up? If so did she know you weren't split up?

I started dating my ex and she told me that her and her husband had split up and they were just waiting to start the divorce. I now believe that this wasn't the case and that he was none the wiser until she dumped him. This has led me to want to apologise to him for any hurt I had caused him.

Maybe this behaviour is a sign that things aren't going as well for your exs new relationship. If the new fiancé feels that she needs to apologise to you then maybe something has happened to make her see things differently?

If this is the case then your maybe your ex is trying to reach out to you.

The photos being removed could be a child like reaction to being hurt. You hurt me so I will hurt you. Did this happen recently or could it just be that he didn't want his fiancé seeing them?

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful

I cant say what this behaviour is about but I am curious about some things.

Did the exs new partner start seeing your ex before you split up? If so did she know you weren't split up?

I started dating my ex and she told me that her and her husband had split up and they were just waiting to start the divorce. I now believe that this wasn't the case and that he was none the wiser until she dumped him. This has led me to want to apologise to him for any hurt I had caused him.

Maybe this behaviour is a sign that things aren't going as well for your exs new relationship. If the new fiancé feels that she needs to apologise to you then maybe something has happened to make her see things differently?

If this is the case then your maybe your ex is trying to reach out to you.

The photos being removed could be a child like reaction to being hurt. You hurt me so I will hurt you. Did this happen recently or could it just be that he didn't want his fiancé seeing them?

 Enlighten Me

It's a long story, but we were still 'very much in love' when he left to go home to get a visa to come and settle down in my country with me. Next thing I know he's seen this z list ex of his, can't stop thinking about her etc, so I broke up with him immediately. Within two months they were engaged.

His fiancee knew about me and that we were still very much involved etc, but that didn't stop her making a move on him. Not that I'm excusing him; he's just as pathetic as she is. In all honesty I think she's a narcissist and enjoyed emailing me to gloat (I don't believe the apology was genuine) but I do somehow 'sense' that he put her up to it.

My instinct is telling me that he cannot stand the fact that he doesn't know how I feel since his engagement came out. I haven't said a word to anyone who is associated with him so that nothing gets back to him, so he has not idea if it upset me. And no, it didn't upset me, and everything I post on social media is an honest reflection of how I'm feeling right now - at peace and optimistic about the future.

My feeling is that he cannot stand that it didn't affect me. I might be wrong, which is why I thought I'd see if anyone else has any suggestions :-)

His fiancee had seen all the photos before. She's an ex from high school, so she was very much aware of me and our relationship.

[enlighten me]

When it comes to my exs I believe the worst until I am proved wrong. Or did until I reached a point of indifference. My ex wife recycled me and after she dumped me her now husband came to meet her ten days after she dumped me the second time. She tried to make out that in the ten days between dumping me and meeting up with him that she had decided to date again, made an account, met him online, got to know him and decided to meet him. Im not that gullible. I realise that she had been in touch with him from probably before the recycle which lasted just over a month.

What I am trying to say is that there was probably a lot more going on behind the scenes than you realise. Maybe he had told his fiancé that you had split up. Maybe he said that he was stringing you along as he didn't know how to get out of the relationship.

I personally don't think that his fiancé would go along with writing an apology to you just to get a rise out of you. If she has then the pair of them are not behaving in a normal way and that in itself is a 

Yes your ex is probably annoyed that he hasn't got a reaction. My exgf didn't like the fact that I hated my ex wife as she said it meant I still had feelings for her. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin where indifference means they don't matter. This I think is more hurtful for them.

If the fiancé knew about the photos then I would guess that it was more to do with either not wanting to be reminded of you or a petty purge with an underlying "I'll show you how little you meant to me" theme.

[Hopeful83]

When it comes to my exs I believe the worst until I am proved wrong. Or did until I reached a point of indifference. My ex wife recycled me and after she dumped me her now husband came to meet her ten days after she dumped me the second time. She tried to make out that in the ten days between dumping me and meeting up with him that she had decided to date again, made an account, met him online, got to know him and decided to meet him. Im not that gullible. I realise that she had been in touch with him from probably before the recycle which lasted just over a month.

What I am trying to say is that there was probably a lot more going on behind the scenes than you realise. Maybe he had told his fiancé that you had split up. Maybe he said that he was stringing you along as he didn't know how to get out of the relationship.

I personally don't think that his fiancé would go along with writing an apology to you just to get a rise out of you. If she has then the pair of them are not behaving in a normal way and that in itself is a 

Yes your ex is probably annoyed that he hasn't got a reaction. My exgf didn't like the fact that I hated my ex wife as she said it meant I still had feelings for her. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin where indifference means they don't matter. This I think is more hurtful for them.

If the fiancé knew about the photos then I would guess that it was more to do with either not wanting to be reminded of you or a petty purge with an underlying "I'll show you how little you meant to me" theme.

Hello again,

Well if something was going on behind the scenes then he hid it very, very well. We were travelling together long-term before he headed home and we were together all the time. I never sensed that anything untoward was up. The last friend who saw us together said we looked sickeningly in love. It drives me insane when I think about it now - was I living in cloud cuckoo land to have not noticed that my partner had fallen out of love with me?

But I never sensed that he had. He still told me he loved me everyday. When we left each other at the airport he got very emotional, and was himself when he first got home. Things changed after he told his mum we wanted to get married, but that's a different story.

These breakups seriously test your sanity. I don't know what to think of anymore; it's exhausting, demoralising, and what's worse is that you'll probably never know the truth.

Hopeful isn't feeling so hopeful today.

[Skip]

My instinct is telling me that he cannot stand the fact that he doesn't know how I feel since his engagement came out.

It sounds like there is shame and guilt and he has struggled with it.  While he got involved with another women, there was no down time between relationships to grieve the ending of the relationship with you and it appears that was painful for him.

Is this normal behaviour for them? Do they try to get your attention in weird ways like this? Or is he just that clueless about how he's perceived by my friends and family - but surely, his comment on 'not wanting to be judged' shows that he knows too well that he's been judged for his entirely horrible behaviour towards me?

No one has (or can) predict BPD behavior to this level... .but we can read the actions at face value.

It sounds like the they (exbf and his fiancé) share some stress over the way the relationship started. Starting as an affair is not the Cinderella story most women aspire to. This has all likely permeated their relationship at a few levels - insecurity on her part, shame on his, some illegitimacy of the relationship to both of them in the eyes of others... .

It could be that they are now stepping out from under the black cloud.

1. Deleting photos of you on his social media is most likely for the fiancé - a closing the door to the past that he was holding onto in some way.

2. Her contacting you to apologize is likely a result of the two of them talking about his (or both of there) shame and wanting to get closer on it. Its sounds like he or he/she want to be forgiven.

3. Opening the door with a mutual friend - is part of coming out - relieving shame.

4. Applying for the job is most likely also about coming out  - relieving shame.

My instinct is telling me that he cannot stand the fact that he doesn't know how I feel ... . 

No one ever feels good about be "no contacted".

You had strong healthy values and boundaries and conviction to them.  That will serve you well.

Things changed after he told his mum we wanted to get married, but that's a different story.

What happened here?

[Hopeful83]

What happened here?

Hi Skip,

He is from a different culture to me - strict Asian culture. They rarely ever marry outside their own caste, never mind someone from a different country. His family always acted like they were okay with us being together, but now that all this has happened and I replay certain things from the past I realise that his mother was playing a very manipulative game from the start. Tellingly, when we broke up during our first year together she told him it was for the best because I didn't come from their culture, wasn't the same religion as them, and would never live in their country. The eldest son, which is what he is, is expected to look after the family when they get older. I think this was an issue for them - and no, I didn't want to live in their country. It would have been very difficult for me to adjust there.

Anyway, long story short, we were supposed to be settling down in my home country. That's why he went home - to get the visa that he needed to come find me. While home, he told his mum about our plans to get married and she told him that we could never make a marriage work because he's not financially stable yet. She came on Skype and was quite rude to me, too, which is not how she'd usually behave with me.

After this, his behaviour became odd, and that's when this ex came into the picture as well. Within two months they were engaged. Funny how he became financially secure so quickly - as far as I know he still doesn't even have a job.

There's a lot more to this story, but this is the high level stuff I guess.

Hopeful