What They Say VS What They Mean

[losingthewill]

I don't know about anyone else... .but reading other people's examples of what their partner says vs what they mean is tremendously helpful for me and helps me to understand how I might approach future interactions.

Could any of you offer any examples here?  I understand that everyone is different... .but it is so helpful to see things from that perspective.

I've seen these... .

I love you = I need you to love me

I hate you = I hate myself or how I feel right now

Let me go = Tell me you love me and you'll never leave me

You're stupid = You've made me feel stupid or ashamed

You're ugly= I feel ugly

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi losingthewill,

I applaud you for your intent and effort 

I have to warn you however that this endeavor has limited upside. It is very, very hard to do as much of what is said is so contextual depending much on who the pwBPD faces, what boundaries are in place and what the pwBPD feels at the moment. Some words mean X in one context and Y in another context - the very same words! You listed a number of simple projections. And projection are a big part of what pwBPD do all the time. But it goes beyond projection as a pwBPD often will instinctively aim at evoking specific emotions in us.

Example:

  pwBPD feels angry

  ==> pwBPD will say or do something that make us feel angry. What exactly the pwBPD says - it very, very context dependent.

  You're ugly

  ==> I feel ugly

but also

  ==> I know you are insecure and this is your hot button. I'm angry from work and know if I attack your looks you feel bad too. I need a fight to feel better myself.

I would suggest not just focusing on words you hear but on what you feel in yourself. What you feel and how these feelings change over time tells you a lot. Transfer of emotions are key to understanding a pwBPD relationship. Simple rules are a good way to get started.

For more see: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

[Cole]

Losingthewill,

anOught makes a good point that there is no way to really nail down what a pbBPD means in a particular situation. They are like people trying to speak German using a French to Spanish dictionary.

They will say one thing when they mean the complete opposite or act in a way that is contrary to what they say they want to do. And while we non's see this, they are often oblivious to their duality and lack of logic.       

[waverider]

Agree there is no direct code translation, is all overridden by emotion of the moment. There is no consistency. Could be projection, could be baiting for validation

Most import is to be aware that what you are hearing is not always the reality, often they are not even aware of what they mean. Even more import is that the thought behind it is not a considered opinion merely a passing thought

[enlighten me]

Another thing that I noticed with my exgf is that what they say may have nothing to do with anything you've done at that time. It could be that she was annoyed by something days earlier and it has built up until a point she needed to vent and then I become the trigger by doing something minor.

The catalyst may have been a friend, a stranger, a family member or even something I had done. There really is no way of knowing what exactly is trying to be communicated. You have to try and look at everything and see what may be relevant to the current situation.

I never knew about BPD but now looking back Ive re evaluated a lot of the things my ex said and it has painted a completely different picture.

[ColdEthyl]

Another thing that I noticed with my exgf is that what they say may have nothing to do with anything you've done at that time. It could be that she was annoyed by something days earlier and it has built up until a point she needed to vent and then I become the trigger by doing something minor.

The catalyst may have been a friend, a stranger, a family member or even something I had done. There really is no way of knowing what exactly is trying to be communicated. You have to try and look at everything and see what may be relevant to the current situation.

I never knew about BPD but now looking back Ive re evaluated a lot of the things my ex said and it has painted a completely different picture.

enlightenme has made a great example. Often times, whatever they blow up over is just a feather that landed on the teetering emotions they were already harboring.

When something comes out of left field, try to step back out of the situation. Make yourself an observer and a listener. Do not listen with the intent to reply or defend yourself... .it will do no good. Listen for the intent of picking up the clues of what is at the root of their discomfort.

The things my husband accuses me of when he is dysregulating (when he is clear, he knows this is all false fear) is almost always either the way he feels about himself, or what he thinks I should think of himself. Does that make sense?

Like, he doesn't work. He's on disability for his BPD. He cannot hold a 9-5 and I don't expect him to. Yet, he hates himself for not working. He feels like he's not a real man, and he should be doing more.

Since he feels that way, when he is dysregulating he will accuse me of looking to upgrade husbands and it's only a matter of time before I kick him out. He will accuse me of being stupid because I am with him and love him.