worry I wont love possible future children with another-help

[cherryblossom]

Hi my first new topic post here goes 

In some ways I feel he has done me a favor by ending things in Sep as I have now experienced my biggest fear -I would often say that I couldn't imagine living without him the intensity of my feelings so powerful and overwhelming. I would say everything before him was a joke -however this has turned into this biggest joke of all-and I am surviving -but when I will start properly living in moment again without being haunted who knows? i currently cannot imagine myself with anyone else or loving children I have with anyone else which is scary. I go through days feeling I'm moving on only to have intrusive memories of all our precious, perfect moments and there were absolutely shed loads -but an equal amount of chaos and stress.

I feel I turned a corner last night actually however after spending about 5 hours on this site! Before this I was becoming a tearful, obsessive mess again... .

I just couldn't believe that 2 people can be so so connected on every level and in love and it just be totally over - I know he is damaged and cannot provide the thriving stable environment I deserve but I still believe he could if he would just commit to recovery, personal growth and healing -but his current actions obviously do not show this

Is it wise to think this as part of healing process? -I am thinking of allowing myself 2 months of hope that he will contact me asking for forgiveness / focusing on recovery properly and when this is up properly detach? I definately wont contact him begging for this.

It has been incredibly emotional, stressful few months. I split from my partner of 2 years Sep sometime it seems blurry as had ordeal of weird limbo scenario from about Julyish. Luckily I'm in therapy which is why I probably have not taken 1st step on here til now-but this site is amazing. Have been keeping myself busy with different friends/short holidays/creative activites. 

our story: We met and were in a band together which made things extra hard-I'm having time out. I don't think i'll go back to it -not sure if he will I've asked him not too (although feel ashamed of this as feels controlling) -everyone has witnessed the rise and fall so v embarrassing lots of mutual friends through that. He started seriously self destructing in July time. We had very deep connection and underneath everything he is a beautiful loving person -incredibly damaged however -he has ocd, BPD and now a drink problem.

Very challenging times, I have felt like ending it all many times -actually seriously looking at methods, but am having better  times/You may think how could relationship have lasted so long with that cocktail of issues?- he masked his issues very very well in beginning, and has incredible resilience-all my friends and family liked him very much in beginning -his family love me- but he clearly struggles to cope- even though he is psychologically minded-there were many positives in the relationship -deep love for nature, music, interest in mindfulness, achieving self actualization, shared sense of humor -he has a psychology degree , we loved seeing things through eyes of a child -laughing at same silly things had an amazing love life. If you saw pictures of us together you will never see 2 more happy, in tune, affectionate people -the cognitive dissonance I was experiencing when it properly fell apart was horrific. The way he turned on me -so disrespectful making a mockery of special connection.

I knew something wasn't quite right in beginning-ignored warning signs as was so deeply attracted to him on many levels. Confided in me about OCD which I felt he would be able to get over after having CBT as he is a very articulate intelligent psychologically minded person -we shared similar dysfunctional backgrounds-his father narcissistic, womanising and damaging -my mother similar (not womanising but controlling / abusive) I swear she is BPD and swear it runs in my family -I've often wondered if I am a high functioning version - I have managed to survive, grow, learn and develop a strong sense of self. I think he was attracted to that and he was on cusp of developing that -I thought we were going to have an ideal relationship together -working on our own identities and issues, developing our selves side by side looking outwards. I'm the first person he had confided in about OCD not even his family. January 2014 he contacted me after I declined to return to city I usually live in same as he for a weekend  (I was living in a different town for couple months at this time) to say he was in hospital after taking overdose and self harming. At this point I didn't think/know -and he didn't know it was BPD as we thought it was actually a valid natural response-a mh crisis after having coped with debilitating OCD for 4 years without telling anyone about it. I refused to carry on in the relationship unless he allowed my to contact his family as he was wanting me previously to not tell them but it was too much responsibility to carry on my shoulders. His family paid for intensive OCD 1 week programme which seemed to go ok until last session -the therapist was giving me ad hoc support as well which he knew about -she also offered me separate in depth sessions to help me learn how to manage the ocd effectively-his mother offered to pay 2 sessions for me -he found out about this and turned against the therapist refusing to use her strategies.

He had low intensity primary care nhs cbt -rubbish -he moved back to his mums for sometime -we saw each other on weekends, doing band stuff and he stayed at mine some weeks -it sounds crazy but amongst all this we were in heaven we got on like a house on fire- I will never have this connection with anyone else ever. I had/have no doubt we are  made for each other -no one has understood me as fully as him. We moved in November 2014 after make or break decisions-he started on clomipramine and started high intensity cbt -doing well in that, we joined a spa, he started new job-met some nice new friends, band times were fun, we were enjoying the flat- then things started going pear shaped June/ July -side effects of meds bad -affected his sex drive -led to increase drinking, irratic behaviour, messaging girls, anger, self harm -I'd come home from work -he'd be drinking super strength lager -with drum and base on loud -saying he is gone, he is bad person -I have to accept he is bad/evil, all he can manage is work and drinking alcohol. I had to physically remove myself from flat as he was self harming in front of me with knives whilst high on drink and drugs. I attended his last therapy session -therapist v concerned about change in presentation -she offered 2 couples sessions but he declined saying hed had enough of therapy she referred him to psychiatrist -who diagnosed BPD and scarily offered him some other drug which has toxic side effects and interactions with foods along with psychological treatment-it scares me how passive he is with it -he needs long term psychotherapy and DBT skills -I hope he gets it-I think he has been offered DBT. His family have offered to pay but he is too stubborn and proud.

I understand it is best we are not together he is not in good place and cannot provide a stable environment for me to thrive in but I find it so hard to boil people down to labels -I feel he is so much more than his mh conditions -but I can't force him to see that -he does have power I believe to overcome this but he is stuck and not willing to try atm- he is reveling in self destructing at the moment and calls himself evil. Its tough as the mh services in our city are well known to be rubbish -the trust in another county that I work for has much better humane recovery programme for people with PD. I'm finding no contact v hard -he seems to be finding it easier which is tough as I can't believe you can be so connected to someone then be so cut off -  absolutely crazy intense 2 years -insane highs and lows -I felt like I was mad through a lot of it -it does make sense for both of us to be out of it -but so much love still there -I have been feeling at my lowest points -what is the point in knowing I can be insanely happy sat on the top of a beautiful mountain with him enjoying nature-knowing he exists and that experience is possible but never being able to do it again -what is the point in that?

I was put in horrible situation where I had to flee the flat as he was behaving so erratically I refused to pay any rent -he has paid it in full last few months -I have taken my name of contract -he might not be able to keep flat now I moved stuff out 2 weeks ago - his family know so I don't feel that guilty anymore. I get on well with his sister who is a therapist and she totally validates my experience -she witnessed our strong bond and she knows I stood by him when superficially attempted suicide. She has helped me to not feel so guilty about it all. She confessed she shared my anger as well as he seemed so close to facing up to the destructive patterns underneath the ocd.

I alternate between worrying he will end life, or just maintain no contact -therefore making the whole experience seem so futile... .then hoping he will contact me and say he realizes he cannot loose me and wants to properly work on his issues -then feeling terrified that he might actually do just that - I will have to have such strong boundaries about what is acceptable -will he start stalking me etc if i don't reciprocate? I read a horrific post earlier where someone's ex killed himself whilst on phone to her. I'm worried because I am feeling less attached now and able to accept no contact actually and worry this will make him want me back -but if he is playing such games like this do I want that in my life? But I love him so much ----bloody confusing nightmare basically!   

does it get easier? Can it be clean? For my own sake shall i just definitely do clean break now?

[eeks]

Hi cherryblossom,



I'm glad you're here and that you've found the site helpful so far.

I just couldn't believe that 2 people can be so so connected on every level and in love and it just be totally over - I know he is damaged and cannot provide the thriving stable environment I deserve but I still believe he could if he would just commit to recovery, personal growth and healing -but his current actions obviously do not show this

Is it wise to think this as part of healing process? -I am thinking of allowing myself 2 months of hope that he will contact me asking for forgiveness / focusing on recovery properly and when this is up properly detach? I definately wont contact him begging for this.

I can't say whether it's "wise" or not, but I had similar thoughts after a much shorter relationship than yours. It's hard to believe that something that feels so beautiful can disintegrate in such a drastic and unexpected way.  If you haven't yet read about idealization and devaluation, you may find this helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

It sounds like you recognize, rationally, that your ex is not capable, at least not right now, of being in the type of relationship that you want.  And yet, you recognize and love his positive traits (I felt that way too) and it's so painful to miss the positive things.  I can't tell you what you "should" hope for, but I can say I absolutely understand that you would be feeling torn, right now.

I can also understand wanting to set a "maximum" length of time that you will allow yourself to hope that he'll contact you asking for forgiveness and committing to recovery.  You don't like the idea of the feelings dragging on indefinitely.  I would say, you can choose your behaviour, for example you can choose to remain NC if that's what you decide is best for your healing process right now, and you can choose healthy coping strategies like seeing your therapist and posting here, but you can't choose how you feel and when.

I'm not sure how this will sound to you right now, but I think the best thing to do is trust your own emotions, process and timeline, and remain open to the possibility that while doing what you need to to take care of yourself, you may discover that your feelings shift.

You say you were the one who ended the relationship.  Did you decide to go no contact (NC), or did he stop contacting you and you did not attempt to contact him (what we call "do not resuscitate" or DNR)?

I alternate between worrying he will end life, or just maintain no contact -therefore making the whole experience seem so futile... .then hoping he will contact me and say he realizes he cannot loose me and wants to properly work on his issues -then feeling terrified that he might actually do just that - I will have to have such strong boundaries about what is acceptable -will he start stalking me etc if i don't reciprocate?

Are you also afraid that staying no contact will result in you missing opportunities to support him emotionally if and when he becomes suicidal again? 

[cherryblossom]

Hi EEks



Thanks so much for taking time to reply.

the ending was such a confusing mess / blur - we were having bad patch for 2 months- I was getting upset over his increased usage of alcohol -as it was making him angry/unpredictable and over boisterous - He would say on and off during this time things like maybe we should be best friends and not lovers as he puts too much pressure on himself when in relationship -all very incredibly hurtful for me as things had been going very well and he seemed v close to properly making headway with healing... .

He was also getting frustrated also at unwanted  side effects of meds for his ocd

He in end said we should split permanently rather than just a break -as he feels his issues too much and unfair on me -instead of then having a dialogue about this over next few days - he went into self destruct mode and pretty much since has refused to communicate with me properly / soberly -I literally had to flee our home as he was acting too crazily and it was frightening me -I had to stay with best friend -then my sister -a couple of times he would say he thinks he is making terrible mistake and needs to get help -but then when we would agree a time to talk he would be drunk or high making it impossible. In this time his OCD therapist referred him to psychiatrist who suggested diagnosis -BPD.

The plan was to come off ocdmeds once completed 2nd lot of therapy which he was doing well in and just increase positive strategies such as mindfulness, reducing alcohol down etc... .we were going to a spa regularly and going out in nature lots, he was going to get in touch with my friend's boyfriend who is recovered alcoholic and knows all the mh/substance misuse services in our area as he works with commissioners -my exBPD really like him- but he just didn't follow through with it -he had made some new friends at work and just seemed to prioritise going out and getting hammered with them -so I wasn't replaced by another female -rather a new set of friends. Of course I don't mind him going out with friends but it seemed to lead on to him increasing drink usage inbetween -I'd come home from work and he's be playing drum n bass music-on his 3rd can of special brew (I love dnb but not randomly at 6pm on a week evening) and would jump all over me and act crazy -really frightening and unsettling actually -he never physically attacked me but he was very chaotic in behaviour. About 6 months ago he got cautioned for criminal damage whilst out drunk and he has a history of getting into physical fights when drunk -so in his best interest to manage his alcohol usage really.

today is 14 days no contact -the last contact was 2 text from me to him saying along lines of -so your ok with how things gone? sits ok with you? U feel ok about loosing me from life? ok il have to accept that then -most people have attachment issues the idea is to become aware of them and to work through and heal -if someone really values a relationship the will do that -so have u stopped valuing me? -he hasn't replied.



In terms of struggling with no contact due to loss of control over caring for his emotional needs -no I cant say it is related to that - I want him to manage his own health -I also made sure his fam were aware of what's going on -I get on very well with his sister who happens to be a integrative therapist-I can be very open honest about how things are with her and she shows me support and empathy -whilst also showing the same to her brother. She feels for my predicament -and shares my frustration and sadness that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to take up help.

I want an equal relationship with the best part of him that is in there. I was so honest and open with him from start I laid my cards on table about the type of relationship I wanted -he knew I wanted kids -he said he wanted to be young dad -I also said because of my family experiences of parents not managing their issues -I have to be with someone who takes managing their mh seriously -again he was very up for this and agreed with my perspective as he shared similar experiences -like I say he has psychology degree, and has an awareness of emotional intelligence -he has had 2 lots of cbt therapy for OCD, a psychologist formulation from his first foray in to mh services -I think he is on waiting list now for dbt -so why he has decided to abandon me and his recovery now when he was so close to managing his issues-I will never understand - I feel he has chosen neurosis and dysfunction over me -to me it feels so disloyal and cowardly and has made me feel like I mean nothing, that all the beautiful memories are meaningless-they may as well not have happened 

I spoke with my therapist about this: I feel angry when I think our relationship can actually be boiled down to some subconcious pre- meditated mind game or his seeming lack of respect toward me, but sad/guilty if I think poor him it's not his fault -and feel guilty about even thinking about moving on

I must admit feeling better this week as went to an amazing party on weekend and meet some very interesting people -a good friend of mine is being amazing as well so really boosting my self esteem. I'm in no way shape or form even contemplating going on a date or anything until mid next year at least -but the fact I could feel excited again about other human beings was powerful, and I feel I'm getting my self back at last.

I still have it in mind he could come back to me and want to make things work -but he would have to show such dedication to recovery and I really don't think he will -but the deep deep connection we had makes me think this could be a possibility -but I'm not going to wait around for this to happen indefinately