How do I deal with the guilt of leaving him?

[Heartbroken19]

I dont know what to do.  I've just had to walk away from a 9/year relationship (5yrs married) because of my husband's steadfast denial of his illness and refusal to get help.

After about 4 yrs of struggle with his deteriorating mental health , he was finally diagnosed 2 years ago after a fight to persuade him to go to hospital.  He went on prescribed medication and for a while he was doing really well and I was getting my old husband back life was looking more positive.  Then he stopped taking his meds because he said he felt fine and didn't need them anymore.  He did as he slowly regressed and it has been a constant struggle to get him back on the meds and attend the therapy he so clearly needs.  He says nothing is wrong with him, he's fine its everyone else who make him behave the way he does sometimes (every day?). He has a job but I know it is a struggle for him. Tbh i'm surprised that he's managed to hold on to it but he has... .just about.

He barely sleeps, is constantly on the go his mind racing all the time, its a struggle to get him to eat properly and he has lost so much weight. His behaviour and mood swings are so unpredictable that I don't feel safe around him now because i'm constantly walking on eggshells until the next time he blows over some minor thing.  One minute I have the lovely, thoughtful, hardworking funny husband, then I get the man so aggressive and paraniod I dont recognise him and this scares me.

He keeps saying nothing is wrong with him and why do I and everyone else insist that he goes back and sees the doctor, people should just leave him alone.

I could go on and on but I'm crying so hard as I'm writing this.  I have tried to be as supportive and understanding as I can but this whole situation made me ill and my hair fell out because of the stress.  I know he knows that he is not well because in the rare moment when I have my lovely husband he asks me "why am I like this? I dont want to be like this... .will it ever get better". And my heart breaks for him.

Everyone around him who knew him before he became ill have rallied round to support and encourage him to get the help he needs but nothing will make him (at the moment anyway) go back to the hospital.

So it was after a huge amount of soul searching and how this was all affecting me both physically and mentally, that I made the decision to leave.  I didnt want to but I felt I had no other choice.  How do I deal with the immense guilt I feel for walking away from my husband? I feel like i've abandoned him when he needs me most to be there for him to support him through this. How do I try to continue to suppport/help him?

Any advice/tips on how to help him come out of this denial and for him to understand that this is nothing to be ashamed of?

I think that one of the reasons why my husband can't/won't accept that he has a mental health issue is because it is so stigmatised within the Caribbean community and many suffer in silence rather than openly admit to suffering any kind of mental illness for fear of being ridiculed.  I don't care about that I just want my husband well again!

If you have got to the end of this very long post... .thank you so much for taking the time to read it.  I'm lost, so is my husband.  All i've done is cry, I feel terrible for leaving him but I didn't know what else to do.  Any advice/info would be greatfully welcome.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Leena]

Hi heartbroken19,

My heart goes out to you. I have been with my hubby for 13 yrs with this gradually getting worse. I only found this site 2 weeks ago.

Everything you said sounds so familiar.

However you have managed what I would find impossible. Whether he still believes it or not he has been diagnosed, under therapy and drugs and has improved. This has got to give you some hope.

I don't know what you should do, but posting on this board you obviously are trying to keep the relationship going. I wish you all the luck for this and send you as much courage as you need to get through this difficult and draining time.