Worse than BPD?/Also Posted on Co-Parenting Board

[ambivalentmom]

I originally posted this in Co-Parenting, but did not get much feedback. Private messages are welcome too; I just want to know what more I can do.


Hello BPD Family.

I've been on this site for a bit and occasionally read backstories to understand a little better before I reply.  I came across a remark about animal abuse and a response saying that it sounds like something worse than BPD.  While that may be true or not, it did give me courage to start this post about severe issues along with BPD traits (raging, emotional abuse, being painted black, etc.).

Does anyone else on this site co-parent with unsuspected murderers, rapists, animal killers, abusers along with the physical/verbal abuse.  I have already talked to Ls and Ts, they all say that any reports on past events without evidence would only discredit me and I could lose custody of D12.  Is this a place to talk about this?  I wanted to be more forward about this because I am being treated for major depression and PTSD and really need someone to talk to that have similarities.  I always feel like I'm going crazy and can't figure out what really happened in my mind.  I have been talking with someone about getting a polygraph, but I don't know what that will help.  I will never get resolve, but I will also never feel safe.  I know my feelings are legitimate, but I need to connect with more people who are going through this because I'm having trouble believing my feelings myself.

Anyone out there going through this and have ideas to help me cope?  Thank you always for your support.

[eeks]

Hi ambivalentmom,

It sounds like a very serious and distressing situation you're describing, and I'd like to ask you to clarify some details to help us understand better, as much as you feel comfortable sharing.  

Are you saying your ex-husband committed violent acts against animals and/or people, and you saw it or were aware that it happened?

You say you're being treated for major depression and PTSD.  Are you connecting your PTSD and depression symptoms with your ex-husband's actions?  Are these events the ones regarding which you feel you are "going crazy and can't figure out what really happened"?

Does your treatment include psychotherapy?  If so, do you talk about these incidents with your therapist and what is your experience of that?  :)o you feel like he or she believes you?

You have expressed a desire to "talk to people going through the same thing" in order to feel that your feelings are legitimate.  I have not been through similar experiences, but I will do the best I can to validate your experience and help you sort out what's true.

eeks

[ambivalentmom]

Good Morning  ,

     I was off the site a little longer than expected and spent today reading through some of your posts to get to know you better.  You are really supportive and offer a lot of great advice.  I hope I will be able to read more about what you are going through too.  I am seeking help from many different sources and do feel very positive and hopeful about my future, but am still having a hard time with talking/understanding a lot of what happened.  You can probably tell by my vague responses that I don't talk about it much.  I have improved by writing a "dead letter" and printed it out for my therapists/counselors/psychiatrists.  That has been my huge step recently and I hope to move into talking about my experiences with others of similar situations.  The professionals I see are very sympathetic (one said, "forget eggshells, you're walking on broken glass!", but there will always be a difference between someone saying "others are going through what you are going through" and someone saying "I am going through what you are going through".

     I am not connecting my symptoms to my ex because I am not qualified to and I don't know if it would really help either.  I was first showing symptoms about a year after we were first together (at the time it was said to be sitiuational), actually diagnosed 4~ months after we divorced, and all of the negative feelings/triggers are linked to things related to him/things he did. 

     I have different reactions, depending on what trigger I am in contact with, that ranges from paranoia to anxiety to very disoriented and afraid.  That's part of the "going crazy".  The other part is to help me understand my emotions, huge gaps in memory, triggers, and other things that could be related to what happened.  I have many huge "Aha" moments by reading posts in relation to BPD (ex mailed us weird things, tries to limit contact when she visits him/said my calling was harrassing her, distorts the truth to a point that doesn't make sense).  I am now looking for that in the cases of trauma and how to move on from here.  I had not gotten many responses here and started looking for/did find a few support websites for the things outside of BPD. 

     I will definitely continue on this site for the upBPD things and I always appreciate any additional ideas on coping and working with bpdfamily on similar stories.  Thank you.