Feeling fed up and annoyed at myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm going through a whole range of emotions this evening. She decided to walk away from me but has been pushing and pulling ever since.

Last night I thought I got through to her and was using the techniques from this website. Today we had parents evening at school so went together. She was getting irate at me in the car but in fairness she checked herself and realised she wasn't being very nice. Mostly because I just stopped talking back when she shouted so she realised something was wrong. I also gave her a card with a note in it to tell her to be brave and that I would be there for her if she needs me. She was really touched by that.

However, I got really annoyed when we got back to my house. She said she was going to visit her parents but then half hour later sent me a message to say she wasn't going after all. So I got really angry because she could have come back to see our daughter and tell her how proud she is of her good school report. Instead she didn't bother and was selfish. We had brought the school books home as the teachers like the kids to show the parents their good work. My daughter was asking where her other mum was and if she was coming to go through the books too. I had to tell her no and we went through them on our own.

I spent two and a half hours trying to get hold of my wife. She doesn't have any network coverage where she lives and no internet. This is a new place and she won't tell me where it is. So if there is an emergency I have no idea how I am supposed to get hold of her.

Eventually she called me and I am ashamed to say I ranted and raved at her. Now I feel horrible but there are still loads of nasty things I want to say to her. Wish I hadn't bothered giving her the card and nice note either. Want to tell her where to stick everything. In fact I annoyed myself by giving her an ultimatum which I know I won't stick to that she eirher tells me where she lives or she will suffer the consequences. She hasn't bothered to reply

[wundress]

I'm going through a whole range of emotions this evening. She decided to walk away from me but has been pushing and pulling ever since.

Last night I thought I got through to her and was using the techniques from this website. Today we had parents evening at school so went together. She was getting irate at me in the car but in fairness she checked herself and realised she wasn't being very nice. Mostly because I just stopped talking back when she shouted so she realised something was wrong. I also gave her a card with a note in it to tell her to be brave and that I would be there for her if she needs me. She was really touched by that.

However, I got really annoyed when we got back to my house. She said she was going to visit her parents but then half hour later sent me a message to say she wasn't going after all. So I got really angry because she could have come back to see our daughter and tell her how proud she is of her good school report. Instead she didn't bother and was selfish. We had brought the school books home as the teachers like the kids to show the parents their good work. My daughter was asking where her other mum was and if she was coming to go through the books too. I had to tell her no and we went through them on our own.

I spent two and a half hours trying to get hold of my wife. She doesn't have any network coverage where she lives and no internet. This is a new place and she won't tell me where it is. So if there is an emergency I have no idea how I am supposed to get hold of her.

Eventually she called me and I am ashamed to say I ranted and raved at her. Now I feel horrible but there are still loads of nasty things I want to say to her. Wish I hadn't bothered giving her the card and nice note either. Want to tell her where to stick everything. In fact I annoyed myself by giving her an ultimatum which I know I won't stick to that she eirher tells me where she lives or she will suffer the consequences. She hasn't bothered to reply

[ArleighBurke]

That's tough. On you and the kids. Having the kids expect something good then having to "let them down" is painful.

I can understand you wondering why you bother to do nice things for your wife if she doesn't reciprocate - but that's BPD! But really - it's about YOU and not her. You can only treat her the way you should. What she does in return is her choice. You can only be the best husband/father/person you can be.

It sounds like you feel very frustrated because she's not acting the "way you want". Even if what you want is normal wife/mother behaviour - it's still YOUR desire not hers. Unfortunately, you can't expect her to behave any certain way. Being annoyed at her probably doesn't help. Instead, find out what you are willing to accept and not accept (have boundaries). And enforce these boundaries.

If she is irate - you don't participate in the conversation - you did well on that!

If she is uncontactable - then it's probably not wise to expect to rely on her in emergencies. And it's not OK for her to expect it.

If she is unreliable - then don't promise anything to the kids.

It feels bad - but i live almost like a single parent. I don't rely on my wife for anything. I ask her for things - if she provides then excellent - but I always have a backup plan because I know she may back out. It sucks. It's not the way a marriage is supposed to be. But it allows ME to remain sane.

[wundress]

Sorry probs should also clarify that we are both women. I think that adds to the problems because of hormones etc. I've noticed her BPD is worse at certain times of the month.

I'm incredible unhappy at the moment. I feel like I'm the one being punished. I can't seem to get out of this cycle.

Added to that our daughter is very bright and worries about her other mum. She needs certainty and stability. She asks about her mum all the time. Last night she asked to see her and when I said no she said we could go to DPDw's house where she has been before. I then had to explain that she doesn't live there anymore. She asked where the new house is and I said I don't know and she won't tell me. Daughter said that her mum must be lost then!

[ArleighBurke]

(I should have taken note of which board I was in!)

That is tough - having to explain this to your daughter. How old is she?

I think this is the worst part - how to be supportive and not "talk-down" about the other parent, but at the same time being realistic and not giving false promises. Trying to make your daughter understand that mum loves her, but "in a different way", and that her not being here is OK... .

Do you want to stay with your partner? You say SHE's moved away, but you havn't talked about what YOU want... .

[wundress]

Daughter is 5. I've explained to her in simple terms ghat her mum isn't well and so needs to live somewhere else until she feels better. I've tried not to give her false hope and said she might not ever come back home but still loves her.

My partner has finally recognised that she is ill and in her words is "emotionally unstable". Apparently she's been doing some reading up on things. She also says she is going to start her own counselling as soon as the counsellor is back off holidays.

In terms of what I want... .I desperately want her to get well and for us to try to fix our marriage. I can see her struggling and doing things she doesn't mean to. I want to learn skills to cope and to get well myself. I have been off work for several weeks now due to the stress. I want to find things I enjoy and find some peace. I have struggled with my own mental health issues which I am working on. At the moment my main struggle is that I miss her so much because she is/was my best friend.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi wundress, 

My partner has finally recognised that she is ill and in her words is "emotionally unstable". Apparently she's been doing some reading up on things. She also says she is going to start her own counselling as soon as the counsellor is back off holidays.

This sounds promising. Is this the first time she has recognized and acknowledged this?

In terms of what I want... .I desperately want her to get well and for us to try to fix our marriage. I can see her struggling and doing things she doesn't mean to. I want to learn skills to cope and to get well myself. I have been off work for several weeks now due to the stress. I want to find things I enjoy and find some peace. I have struggled with my own mental health issues which I am working on. At the moment my main struggle is that I miss her so much because she is/was my best friend.

I believe you have the right idea. Both of you taking the time to work on your own issues really helps. From my experience, I have my own issues that I have been working on. The more I have been working on my own issues, the better my relationship has gotten. Some of the behavior that used to really get under my skin is less frustrating.  Taking care of yourself is one of the keys to improving your relationship. It can be very difficult to do that, although it sounds so easy. What are you doing for yourself to reduce stress?

I understand what it is like to miss your partner. It is really tough to work on yourself and not have your bestfriend by your side.    I struggled with this too. It took awhile but I started looking at the period of separation as something that was needed for me to feel healthy and happy again.

I imagine how tough it is to try to overcome all the stress while taking care of your daughter. As you mentioned stability is very important for a child. Although your wife may not be able to provide a stable environment, you have the ability to. 

[wundress]

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

In terms of my own stress I have been having counselling, started yoga a few weeks ago, talking to friends and family more as I had found myself quite isolated.

She has never really accepted she is ill until now. She did counselling before but mostly because I insisted after she overdosed. That was about four years ago and only lasted a couple of months.

I think it has helped her to be alone and to realise the problems haven't gone away just because she left me and the family home. I think she may have also had some arguments with friends and family too. She is also drinking and smoking quite a lot. She's ended up renting a cottage in the middle of nowhere. An annoyance to me because she isn't financially contributing to our marriage anymore so I am verging on being broke too.

[EaglesJuju]

In terms of my own stress I have been having counselling, started yoga a few weeks ago, talking to friends and family more as I had found myself quite isolated.

These are fantastic ways to reduce stress.    It can take some time to get in a place where you are feeling optimal, but you are taking the steps to accomplish that. That is something to be very proud.  

She has never really accepted she is ill until now. She did counselling before but mostly because I insisted after she overdosed. That was about four years ago and only lasted a couple of months. I think it has helped her to be alone and to realise the problems haven't gone away just because she left me and the family home. I think she may have also had some arguments with friends and family too. She is also drinking and smoking quite a lot. She's ended up renting a cottage in the middle of nowhere. An annoyance to me because she isn't financially contributing to our marriage anymore so I am verging on being broke too.

That is huge for a pwBPD to accept that they have mental health issues. When my bf isolated himself from me and accepted his illnesses, he started realizing that avoidance is not a solution to his problems.

I am sure that finances probably contribute to some of your stress. Take one thing at a time and continue to relieve yourself from stress.

[wundress]

 Saw her again this eve. She is adamant we aren't getting back together.  She seems to enjoy using it to hurt me. Feel really horrible now.

[wundress]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being delusion in hoping she will come back to me. For instance we are taking a trip to London next weekend. She made a point of saying one of her ground rules is no sex! But then she proceeded to flirt with me.

Then she made a point of saying that we are definitely not getting back together (at which point I walked away from the conversation) but then said she had unpacked her belongings in her new house so she could unpack our wedding albums. She also said the anniversary present I got her is by her bed.

She said she won't stay over because she doesn't want me to get attached to her and wishes I would stop loving her. She said she's a disappointment. 

She smiled when I said we could go to each other's houses on dates because we never did that at the start of our relationship because I had a small baby to look after. She said no to me going over to hers but then said I probably wouldn't like sleeping on her bed because it's uncomfortable.

I feel like I am getting mixed messages all the flipping time.

[EaglesJuju]

I hear you wundress, the mixed messages are crazy making at times! The waffling between "I love you and go away" can drive anyone bananas.

PwBPD's emotions can change so rapidly and they base things on their momentary feelings. Usually negative emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) influence maladaptive coping mechanisms such as dissociative splitting or avoidance. The push-pull is really common when this occurs.

PwBPD tend to have a large amount of self-loathing. I have experienced this often with my bf when he has told me that I am too good for him and I shouldn't love him. He can't believe that I actually love him because he views himself so negatively. It seems that your wife may experience self-loathing as well.

Does your wife seem like she is dysregulating?

[wundress]

Yes I think she is definitely dysregulating. Normally she snaps out of it after a few days or weeks but this has been carrying on for months now. She says she is never going to get better and I should be over "us" now.

Trouble is that up until mid october we had been trying to get back together. We went to Barcelona together beginning of october and she showed me how in love she is/was. Then shortly afterwards it was like flipping a switch and suddenly she refused to stay over anymore and shut down even more.

She won't tell me she loves me anymore and won't even let me kiss her (unless she is flirting and initiating sex like she did two weeks ago).

I don't know if her decisions are those of a rational person which I should accept or whether they are just the result of her self-hate and confusion.

Can a relationship even be rescued after something like this?  I've asked her not to make anymore decisions until she feels a bit better because I don't want her to feel like we get to the point of no return. She said "but you made decisions when you were ill" and I said "yes but not major ones like ending our marriage and I never walked away" and she said "that's because you're a better person than me".

She has this attitude of failure all the time. Yesterday I think was a hyper day for her because she didn't seem to care about my feelings at all. Then mid conversation she fell asleep. Then she wanted cuddles and implied she wanted to stay but she left her meds at her house so couldn't.

[wundress]

The more I read about BPD the more I wonder if it's me who has it. But then I guess not because I can see when my feelings and behaviour are deteriorating pretty easily. I'll seek help for myself and I don't run away although mentally at times I've wanted to be dead.

There seem to be lots of different opinions on what BPD is and what the symptoms are. Some books seem to focus on anxiety, some on agression, some on othet parts.

I wrote a list of my wife's "symptoms"

-suicidal feelings and attempts

-anger, rage, aggression

-emotionless at times

-reckless behaviour

-lack of empathy

-unable to see why people are concerned/rarely sees she has a problem

-inappropriate behaviour for a particular setting

-secretive

-scared of abandonment (but pushes people away)

-dissociation (as in full blown dissociation where her body is there but her eyes roll back her person isn't there anymore)

-runs away / avoidance

-switching

-black and white thinking

-loses time

-memory lapses

-stops taking meds when she thinks she is better

-puts on a facade

-hyper days

-afraid to be close to anyone

-rapid changes in mood (and goes from 0-60 on a scale in a split second, no degrees of feeligs/what I call no gear box)

-pushing and pulling

-lack of meaningful friendships

-turbulent relationships

-self-hate, lack of self esteem

-stress

-isolating herself but then surrounds herself with people who don't mean much to her

-afraid of people knowing "the truth" about her

-shame

-previously smoked cannabis, now smokes heavily during bad times and lately has started drinking

-self sabotage

-projection (everything is someone elses fault)

-holds grudges over some perceived/imagined act from others

-flips to being really caring and loving

-refuses to ask for help

-lack of communication

And when I look at it like that I feel like I am giving her a character assassination and why do I bother loving her then. But I know it stems from the disorder or whatever she has going on so I make excuses for her.

[wundress]

Well this evening was interesting.  I took our daughter to visit her other mum in the new house. I thought I had mentally prepared myself but obviously not enough as I was overcome with anger, sadness, hoplessness. It's a lovely cottage in the countryside. Just the kind of place I've always wanted to live.

Anyway, my partner couldn't understand why I was upset and berated me for not having prepared myself well enough. Then when I got angry she tried to throw me out! I refused to leave so she paced around in a huff and eventually we went outside to talk away from our daughter. Our new thing is to say "can we start again?" when we have had a row but things have calmed down. So we agreed to start the evening again. She said she was sorry and that she could see why it would be difficult for me.

Then, I was blown away as she told me about something she did today... .of her own volition she confided in a friend about everything today. The friend was abused as a child just like my partner was. She gave my partner some insight into her bejaviour. She had also sabotaged her marriage and suggested my partner had done the same. My partner agreed and seemed to be saying that she wanted to make amends for that. But I am so proud of her right now for confiding in someone. I also am worried it will upset her tomorrow and she will worry about what she said but one day at a time I guess.

Then she said something else profound... .for ages I have been saying that every weekend she would ruin. She would be in a foul mood, refuse to get out pf bed, shout at me and my daughter to the point where we would end up going somewhere without her. Today my partner realised that this was because every weekend she would get sent to the place where she would get abused! So she still has the memory that weekends are awful times.

She also said she nearly told her mum in anger that she was raped because of her mother's neglect one holiday. I said I understood why she would feel like that but cautioned against it as it would mean a whole load of emotions coming from her mother. And as my partner observed, her mother would probably make excuses for herself and blame my partner anyway.

Trying to digest it all now. My mind is a whir!