Small steps forward

[PinkPoker]

I've prayed for the time to come when we get closer and he opens up to me. This day has now arrived and although it's gradual it's progress... .

Problem(s) are:  he will not seek counselling of any sort although he knows he has "issues" the only person he says he's opened up to is me.  He's started to admit he's getting nightmares about his past and he's scared of reliving them; knowing/remembering the bad things he's done.  (I don't know what these are) although he told me one thing.

However all the things in recent times I'm aware of and why his family are not talking to him. He's always the victim nothing is ever his thought.  He's mixed up, confused and telling lies.

Really I'm here to ask if there is a way I can help him as in doing DBT with him?  We've started meeting at least once a week.    My other question is, the lies - is there a way of knowing/telling when someone is lying? Do they know they are lying?   Sometimes things are so redicilous it can't possibly be true like name dropping celebrities or saying he has work which he obviously doesn't... .Why is he telling me lies?

As of late he's convincing me he's a changed man and how 80% of what happened in our past is his fault. I must admit so far he is being more thoughtful, reliable and at times honest. I am wary because he's hurt me in the past and am I just a stop gap whilst no one else wants to know him!

Thanks in advance

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Compulsive lying often can be a problem, my wife has an element of this. She makes up reality to help describe how she feels, in much the same way other people use analogies, excepts she uses twisted realities...

Promises and commitments are often no more than wishful thinking. It can be part of instant gratification, by claiming things as a done deal rather than trying achieve it. eg I am not like that anymore= they want instant gratification of acceptance from you, rather than trying to be different so that eventually you will appreciate the effort.

We can inadvertently feed this by heaping too much praise on a plan or promise, we sate their need for praise in advance so there is no motivation to actually follow through. They have been paid in advance. So they learn that if they want reward all they need is to make a promise.

Do not confuse encouragement and support with praise and reward.

Being a sole confidant is also not a healthy place for you, as you need to stay centered, and that is hard when you are the sole keeper of secrets. Even therapists who deal with BPD on a regular basis have regular debriefings otherwise confused messages bounce around inside your head until it messes you up and you are drawn into the quagmire that is a BPD mind.

It can end up with you feeling isolated, which is a serious symptom of the BPD caretaker