how do you get your own needs met?

[RedPixie]

hello family.

I've just come across this site and feel like i've just discovered what is happening to me.

over the last few years my Husband has been more and more attacking our relationship.

his overreactions to the smallest things are affecting me, I am anxious, cautious, do all I can to make things ok

but he is never satisfied. he is a perfectionist, highly intelligent, he twists my words and says them back to me differently. I get confused, I have panic attacks. he gets angry with me for crying or "shouting" at him - I do not believe I am shouting at him... .I think I am speaking with emotion, sometimes pleading with him to understand me.

we have been together 14 years, married for 9.

we have had 9 miscarriages/ectopic no living children

both my parents died of lung cancer 2007/2010

while we were trying to have our babies he was a wonderful partner, perhaps he idolized me, reading here has helped me a lot. he was still disproportionately affected by stresses and we argued a lot / went to counselling it helped, but now he says it helped because he's been suppressing who he is. 

He has a very arrogant nature when driving / on the phone/ in business. its like he thinks he's smarter than anyone else, he knows everything! when I tell him his behaviour is upsetting me and I wont get in the car/or motorbike with him because I feel frightened by his behaviour. I guess this is a boundary i've been trying to enforce.

I think I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, I manage in everyday life just fine.

I was physically abused as a child and as a result any kind of negative and aggressive behaviour makes me very jumpy even if the anger is not directed at me, so if my husband suddenly reaches across me in the car waving his middle finger at someone in the car next to us / and it's in my face and I am scared 

he can be so swimmingly gorgeous and yummy we tend to merge sometimes. we have a great deal of love and sadness together. I think the world of him. He helps me and is a good carpenter. he doesn't struggle to get out of bed but he does struggle with motivation and things always going wrong for him... e v e r y t h I n g !

I have an amazing job which keeps me very happy I teach circus

I have been trying hard to curb codependance and it has been working.

for years I've believed he was depressed, angry with me, jealous ... ., not being a father . Our last baby losses was twin boys at 20 weeks - we were devastated -  I decided 10 years was enough of my life to be dedicated to such sorrow and that I didn't want to try anymore. (I guess it was my decision - I was open to adoption once our financial situation was sorted)

he admitted he was depressed and went to counselling - now he thinks he's all better and it's me that's the problem! - Its always "the way I speak to him" he accuses me of shouting when I am not!

it isn't what he says it's the way he says it.

he never takes on board what I say. how do I get my own needs met? what are my needs?

I've spent the best part of this year reading books about depression, depression fallout, gaslighting and now BPD in the hopes of finding some answers... .

very grateful to have found this community and glad I read the bit "don't tell them you suspect"

I am aware I was rambling but how do you condense so much pent up emotion with helloo.

x x

pixie

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

You get your needs met outside of the relationship. That means building a good support system. Taking care of yourself: eat right, sleep, and so on.

You can never rely on your BPD partner to hold up for real. Sometimes they improve, with time and your learning ways to handle things with the tools here on the site.

Simply they will not be there the way you can be there for them.

I see you are new here. It sounds like you have been having a really difficult time. Have you had a chance to read the lessons to the right of this page?

9 miscarriages, wow, my heart goes completely out to you.    I am so sorry for your losses. 

Do you have a personal therapist? Are you seeing someone for the panic attacks? I have had horrible panic attacks, so I know how it feels when one sets off.

[Chilibean13]

Hi RedPIxie,

WElcome to the board. I know what you are going through is difficult and confusing. It's so easy to blame oursevles when it comes to the crazymaking our spouses/boyfriends can do to us. Just remember that you are the one who is not mentally ill. This site is so helpful in giving you the tools you will need to limit the constant battles. I suggest taking your time to read through the lessons on the right side of the page.

Your story sounds similar to others. I'm just now at the point where I"m trying to determine how to get my needs met too. I'm going through some heart ache realizing that I may never get that from my husband. It sounds like you have other things going well in your life and I would suggest building on those.

[JQ]

Hello Pixie 

And Welcome to the group aka family aka friends.    Here you'll find no judgement from others ... .we have been & some still are where you are or have been so we know what you're going through. I'm glad you found us    Come here as often as you need to ... .or as often as YOU want to ... .just to vent ... .express how you're feeling ... .for some guidance, to read & learn from the references here on the sight or from books that you can check out from your local library to learn all that you can not only about BPD but about yourself as well. As you probably already know the first step to healing is learning more about yourself ... .and as someone asked ... .most if not all of us have had a time or two with a therapist to help with things. It's just one more thing to help with your self awaking and learning about oneself.

I too am sorry for the lost of your parents & your miscarriages ... .    in addition to the r/s issues that you are having.

As you are aware in a r/s, there are two people & it takes both people giving, taking, sharing to make it work. If one shuts off then trouble begins ... .sometimes with Marriage Counseling, (MC) it can help and the marriage goes on ... .sometimes there are bigger issues at work and things go beyond anyones control and those two must travel separate paths in life. It certainly does NOT mean they will do it alone. It sounds as if your s/o has some deep underlying issues that need professional attention as you have suggested. Anger issues., lashing out, raging, road rage ... .these have nothing to do with you.

You must take care of yourself first and foremost and give yourself a big hug    From what you've told us you are an amazing strong woman. You teach circus, which I find interesting. I've never met anyone who has done this. If it is what I think it is ... .how cool is that? You teach others to bring joy to others in something that say or do in a fun & festive atmosphere!  How rewarding that must be to see the joy & smiles on peoples faces that you are responsible for     

To answer your question, "How do you get my needs met?"  As Daniell points out, YOU take care of yourself by eating right, exercising to reduce stress & anxiety, and getting the proper amount of sleep ... .it is so very important for your physical & emotional health. YOU need to get out & the sun! The sun has amazing abilities for emotional health, mental well being & physical well being. Get out for a walk to reduce that stress & anxiety ... .enjoy the small things ... .the breeze on your face ... .the blue sky ... .the sights sounds & smells of where you are. Call up an old friend you haven't spoken to in a long time and catch up on things.  Comfort food is a good thing from time to time ... .but make sure you eat right too. I can eat a whole tub of brownies from time to time ... .but then I have to bike or run that extra mile to burn it all off ... .   

You have recognized that you are codependent ... .so you've been reading, going to a therapist and educating yourself which is commendable.  You know as NON's we want to help, we NEED to help! We are the Knights in amor protecting those who can't protect themselves or save others from themselves. We ride in on our white horse to save the day!  It's who we are at the core ... .we're seeking approval ... .validation ... .we want someone to need us ... .we need them to want us ... .our behavior is learned from events in our childhood ... .and fortunately it's not destructive to others ... .but in a way it's destructive to ourselves. We have to learn to put ourselves first sometimes and like most NON's we don't. WE learn to have to say no ... .NO to mental abuse, NO to physical abuse, NO to emotional abuse!  If we don't take care of ourselves who will? We are so busy trying to help others we forget to take care of ourselves Pixie. 

We need to center ourselves, learn it's ok to take care of ourselves, to put ourselves first. You like us have to learn that the problems that our s/o is going through is their problem ... .we can't fix it for them. We can give them guidance, we can listen to them, we can point them to others like doctors & therapist for help & guidance ... .but in the end the choice will be there's. YOU have to learn ... .and believe that, "their circus is their circus ... .their flying monkey's are their flying monkey's" and not yours . In other words, their problems are NOT your problems. 

In a mutually loving, caring, RESPECTFUL relationship you can get some but not ALL your needs met. There are two individuals that come together as a team. YOU each must do for yourself before you can do for each other ... .you meet some of your own needs & at times your partner can & should meet those needs that a partner should meet.

In a r/s with someone who has BPD IS and NEVER will be normal. The NON will always be suppling more to meet the needs of the BPD and the BPD will contribute very little to the needs of the NON.  From what you describe of his raging, reaching across to finger someone why he drives ... .is certainly a emotional behavior that needs to be addressed. Sometimes , ok most of the time it doesn't make sense what he does. Congratulations you've joined the club of NON's & the nonsense behavior the BPD does. NOTHING has or WILL make sense in the world of a BPD. They have had an event or events in their childhood that has made them learn how to survive ... .they have the behavior of a 3 yr old toddler. They've never learned to deal with whatever the event or events were as a child and their behavior they exhibit is a protective means to survive they learned along ago before you entered the picture.

Continue to learn all that you can about yourself Pixie    Continue to heal yourself    Continue to read, educate & learn all that you can about BPD from this sight, books, etc. and then walk the path you want ... .we can't tell you what path to walk ... .we can listen ... .we can tell you what didn't or did work for us ... .continue to go to therapy ... .continue to grow as  person! Find joy in the work you do to bring happiness & excitement to others in teaching circus!   

When you need us ... .just come back ... .hold out your hand ... .and we'll be there to help you up from your tumble ... .brush you off ... .& tell you things are going to get better ... .THEY ALWAYS GET BETTER  ! 

JQ

[RedPixie]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond.

It's such a relief to be able to talk about it.

My closest friends are amazing but they think i should leave him. I don't want to.

I am definitely reading all the tools lessons and workshops its amazing to have such a resource.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful job,  its definitely what keeps me sane   it is joyful.

My worst time with my SO  are around my hormonal cycle

When I'm feeling weak or sore,  perhaps less patient or snappy... .he can't cope.  I just don't feel understood.  It's never ok for me to have a bad day or to make mistakes without being made to feel guilty for upsetting him.

I am strong much of the time and I'm able to use humour and optimism to get me through. But there are 6 days every month when i just can't cope with "it" ... .

Thank you again my new friends.

X pixie

[Grey Kitty]

My closest friends are amazing but they think i should leave him. I don't want to.

I've got a suggestion here regarding your friends.

Tell them that you truly appreciate their concern. Tell them that you really need their support. And tell them that the support you need isn't in the form of telling you to leave him.

Tell them that you need the kind of friend who will accept you and support you where you are today. Which is trying to make the best you can of your marriage.

A good friend will honor that direct request. Or at least shut up long enough to be a supporter instead of a nag, and not bring it up unless things seem to be drastically worse.

I'd also suggest you think a bit about what you confide in which friends with, especially if you don't always get the kind of support you want. I have the very good fortune to have three very good friends with personal experience around mental illness, some involving BPD/NPD even, and those people were much safer with this sort of thing. I recall a senior member here talking about their choice to get most of their support related to BPD behaviors here in these forums, and to do other things and talk about other things with their close friends--because it seemed to work better.

I am strong much of the time and I'm able to use humour and optimism to get me through. But there are 6 days every month when i just can't cope with "it"

Just so you know... .that is very normal. It takes strength and resolve to put up with this sort of stuff.

When I was in the middle of it, I noticed that some days I had the strength to deal well with difficult stuff... .and other days, not so much. My best bet on those "other days" was to just remove myself, so I wouldn't do something that was guaranteed to make things worse.

As a guy, my days of low energy / low emotional reserves aren't on a monthly schedule like yours, but it is completely normal that you would be less able those days.

Always do your best ... .and accept that some days, your best won't be as good as it is on other days.

[RedPixie]

Now that I've found this forum and the BPD info

I am seeing his behavior so much clearer.

I was able to detach myself from feeling responsible and communicate much more calmly yesterday.

But now i see BPD in everything he says and does... .

We are in the process of selling our house

He is having a lot of difficulty trusting the estate agents

Yesterday i stayed home all day and they cancelled a viewing.  I was a little peeved. He asked me for their number. I immediately thought i really don't want him to call them and lay on his frustration because it is over exaggerated.  I said there was no need. He got upset with me demanded that he wouldn't have lost his temper etc. I said i didn't agree that we should call.

He hung up on me.

Normally this would send me over the edge

Demanding logic and reason and showing him why it was unreasonable to get so upset with me. That he has a history of venting etc i did none of that.

I did call the estate agent though and asked if they could give us more warning of the cancellations.

Which is exactly what BPDh wanted to do.

So i text him to say i understood what he was trying to say and that i agreed with him and that i had called them and they had agreed to give us more notice.

When he came home he had a big rage about me then doing exactly what he had wanted to do all along that i didn't trust him to be polite. RA RA RA... .

I just sat there and said i was sorry he felt that way.

I understood what he was saying.

He then said - I'm sure it'll  be ok and went to smoke a joint... .

Things he said yesterday. ...

Wouldn't that be a nice way to die?

(Bart simpson floats into space and his head pops)

Car programme about bmw -

i could buy 1 of those when we sell the house... .

If we win the lottery we could keep the house... .

Its friday night - lets get some drugs

This morning : ( so often he changes his mind)

Him: i don't think I'll go to work today I'd like to stay here with you?

Me: i have work to do darling /  slight sigh

Him: why do i always get on your nerves

Me: i find it hard when you change the plans all the time and ive made other arrangements.

Him: Fine I'll go... (hes upset and huffy)

Comes back 10 mins later - hugs and he's ready to go.

Normally i would probably have got quite wound up that he was again avoiding work and would be around the house getting in my way and generally requiring my attention... .

Somehow i managed to get my point across without there being too much drama.

But i still feel drained. I'm battling still that thing inside me that says this isn't fair. Why can't he be considerate why can't he listen to the words I'm saying.


He doesn't try to meet with friends

Every plan he makes he postpones.

When we do meet friends he's the life of the party

I think he's very high functioning and is very sweet and loving. He's  a generous man and is very clever. Too clever.  I think he has narcissistic tendancies. 

Everyone else is usually an ass

Its always someone  elses fault

If i question his behavior towards people

I get "why are you always on my case" this is who i am,

This is how i know how to be...

Straight after every complaint he makes about people he says "I'm not complaining" I'm just explaining

...

The constant negativity about people, products, service  friends that's what gets me down... .  I'm so sick of it.

I'm scared that validation leads to enabling it to continue... .

I'm an optimist and i naturally want to invalidate everything  (don't be silly / they did not do that on purpose to upset you) the last few days i haven't done any of that and its been hard but not as hard as arguing.

I've been just mmm hmmm ing a lot... .

Learning so much.

Pixie

[JQ]

Good Morning Pixie,

This sight provides a great insight & education for those with s/o who are BPD ... .once you find it it's like all the warning bells start to go off & the lightbulb goes on & you say AHA!  It all makes so much sense now!

As you've come to learn in part about those who suffer from BPD is that logic ... .well what we would call logic doesn't exist in their world. They have the logic of a 3 year old toddler and chances are it's going to be difficult to change if it ever does change. It's hard to believe but evidence suggest that it's never going to change ... .they have years ... .decades of therapy in their future and then you can only hope that they'll "adjust" their behavior to less offensive ... .but only if they continue to go to therapy. I feel for them ... .it's confusing for them ... .but they're not my flying monkeys to manage ... .as much as I want to help ... .I can't ... .I can't Control it ... .I can't Cure it.  I've come to accept the 3 C's ... .it's helped me move on. You can't save everyone ... .you can't save all the puppies in the pound as much as you want too. You have to take care of yourself & your well being ... .your sanity ... .your physical & mental health.

My ex & your husband must read from the same book of BPD. You said, "Straight after every complaint he makes about people he says "I'm not complaining" I'm just explaining ... .The constant negativity about people, products, service  friends that's what gets me down... .  I'm so sick of it."  My ex did the same thing ... .years of being so freaking negative ... .I would always say what's with all the negative waves? What's with all the negative energy about anything and everything ... .then a friend told me about these film clips ... .you have to watch them Pixie ... .I think that you'll find it both truthful ... .but funny at the same time ... .just give the commercial 15 seconds then it'll start.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncbEucjsNFU   

I like you are the eternal optimist ... .we're Oddball   

"Have a little faith baby ... .have a little faith ... ." 

JQ

[formflier]

 

Pixie,

Support systems:

Daniel85 asked if you have a personal therapist?  Have you ever done therapy before?


Going to therapy doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.  Also, I would shy way from discussing YOUR therapy or your thoughts on that with your pwBPD traits.  

We can be a big help to you here at bpdfamily.  However, we are no substitute for a personal therapist.

In the same manner a personal therapist is no substitute for bpdfamily and the discussions we have here... .and the lessons.

Finally, family and friends are just as critical.  Please take Grey Kitty's advice to heart.  I'll go a step further.

How would your life be impacted if you focused your time with family and friends on mutual interests... .and limited relationship discussion with them.

How do you feel after a couple hours with a friend where you "dump" all your r/s issues on them and have a heavy discussion?

versus

How do you feel after a couple hours with a friend where you both focus on a service project, or a hobby you both enjoy, or... .(you fill in something you both enjoy).

Take the majority of your r/s issues to your T... and to here.

   

You have found a safe place... .your life will get better... .

FF

[RedPixie]

I always feel tons better after a day at work where i do circus and make costumes and Burlesque accessories

He's  so jealous that i enjoy what i do,  sometimes it takes the wind out of me when he says things that sound so envious. . I realise now i should be empathising with his regret for not having something he loves to do. ? Is that right... .or should i tell him i don't like it when he makes me feel guilty for enjoying what i do... .yes i did have a good day!

You're right about dumping on my friends.

I will find fun things to do now i can stop torturing myself with what it is that I'm doing wrong!

I am going to get out the house more

I feel like I'm  obsessing a bit... is that normal?

I also feel guilty  for snooping around about his mental health behind his back  

I don't have a therapist. 

We've had couples counselling in the past ... .

Thanks again for you wisdoms

Pixie

UK

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Pixie,

Please be kind to yourself. It's really a difficult challenge to deal with a partner who has BPD. It's very important to do things that support you.

So many of us with BPD partners will doubt ourselves and feel guilty for our own sense of happiness and joy, BUT DON'T. You deserve to be happy and you should do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

 Cat

[Grey Kitty]

I will find fun things to do now i can stop torturing myself with what it is that I'm doing wrong!

I am going to get out the house more

  Excellent!

I feel like I'm  obsessing a bit... is that normal?

I also feel guilty  for snooping around about his mental health behind his back  

I think it is pretty normal for when you start to understand about this disorder. I know I went through some of it!

That guilty/awkward feeling is very real. You may let go of the guilt eventually, but that doesn't make it feel good. You (legitimately) want to have a relationship where you are equals and can trust each other. The reality is that he's NOT emotionally healthy, and you cannot trust him as an equal. You need to be the emotional leader / emotional adult in this relationship, and that may never change. If it does, it is going to be a long slow process on his part, and you don't have any control over it.

 It is tough to swallow.

And circle back to doing fun and healthy things for yourself--it will help you, and it will help your marriage. (Even though he will probably fight you every step of the way in some form or other.)