My Borderline Sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone, thank you for receiving me on the site. My sister has BPD; I think her symptoms were first noticeable when she turned 12. She is now 25, and I am 22. I am at a loss at what to do, as is my family.

My parents were not abusive, but many of her classmates at school were. I got bullied at school too, and pretty badly, but I never turned out like my sister. I am guessing that genetics play a role here, but I couldn't tell you for sure. She has fits of screaming and crying where she blames other people for her problems; this usually turns into a series of accusations about their character, even though the offense was something minor. She used to regularly take other people's belongings and money, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, often not seeming to notice that some things belong to other people. This has gotten better, but it's still something I wouldn't put past her since I've found about $30 missing from my wallet this past month.

She has an eating disorder and several phobias about food (weirdly enough, she has eaten whole portions of fish, cheese, cake etc. in the middle of the night, even though she claims to hate these things and think they are disgusting). As well as having BPD, her doctors diagnosed her with OCD, so she has attachments to certain ritualistic behaviors. She frequently leaves her belongings everywhere, along with various bits of food; her room looks apocalyptic. She rarely wears clean clothing. She has been hospitalized several times, sometimes for self-harm and overdosing on medicine. She is very superficial and obsessed with her appearance, and has a lot of self-hatred for not holding herself up to her beauty standards. She is terrified of her body and is constantly obsessed with buying compression tights and "health" supplements. Whenever she walked in on me while I was changing, I didn't care - but the one time I walked in on her before she took a bath she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs and called me a "selfish c**t."

I have been "walking on eggshells" for years. My sister used to get so angry I began to fear that she might hurt someone or try to kill me. How was I supposed to know? I was a kid, and fear is not rational. I had no lock on my door and we shared a bathroom; she had to pass through my room in order to use it. She could come in and say whatever horrible thing she wanted to say to me. Now she is only supposed to use my mom's bathroom or the one by the living room, and since she refuses to shower most of the time this isn't a problem. My room is finally my safe place where I can hide and relax; I constantly lock the door. For all her obsessive exercising, she is not very strong or good at fighting, so I only feel emotionally and not physically threatened by her these days. (She has tried to "playfully" put me in a headlock several times and failed miserably.)

Sometimes you have been in the proximity of so much stress and anger that emotional breakdowns become an inevitability. I am not in a war, but this is still pretty bad. I have barely felt like I had a structured family at home - I would look for family elsewhere, because my sister made the place hell.

Even early this morning I received 11 very angry text messages at 7:30am: they detailed why any of my character traits, accomplishments, and college education are worthless next to hers and why I was a horrible human being; really brought me back to my childhood. Why text me these things? She was angry I told my mother that she tried to buy my pain medication off me. It was for my recovery from wisdom teeth removal; she does not need them and her reliance on prescription medication worries my mother. She already takes Ambien and Klonapin, and often has lied about the dosages she's received. (She also has never finished college and can't hold a job.)

I am beginning to understand that what I have experienced was traumatizing, and acknowledging that is okay. I know that my sister suffers greatly, and that my mother and father have much more to deal with than I have, but that doesn't invalidate how I feel. I am still very angry. I have more maturity than I used to and can deal with the situation better, but when my sister says she needs to "talk" to me about something my heart rate still rises exponentially. Once I left for college I began to see a therapist, who verified that my sister was someone I should avoid for the sake of my emotional health. I used to think that I should go home to support my parents - to "do my duty," so to speak, but then began to have panic attacks whenever I got home. On several occasions during a winter break, I would wander around outside late at night simply to avoid her. Then I stopped going home during college, which agreed with what my therapist thought was right for me.

Now I am back home after college. I had an emotional breakdown before coming here, but I needed to work and save up money. Since I didn't have any plans after college it was all I could do.  

Things could be worse, it turns out. I have much more confidence and self-esteem than I did in high-school, and many friends whom I am grateful for. But my sister has not gotten any better. She still screams horrible things at my mother, is very unhygienic and messy, is terrified of gaining weight, and can't hold a job or keep an apartment without getting evicted for messiness (this has happened about 4 or 5 times). She has almost no close friends. About one of them visits her consistently - which is fantastic, but he's the only one, and hasn't always been.

There is nothing my mother, father or I can do to help my sister. She has to help herself, but she doesn't want to. She still claims that we are the delusional ones and that there is nothing wrong with her.

[Joan7]

Hello everyone, thank you for receiving me on the site. My sister has BPD; I think her symptoms were first noticeable when she turned 12. She is now 25, and I am 22. I am at a loss at what to do, as is my family.

My parents were not abusive, but many of her classmates at school were. I got bullied at school too, and pretty badly, but I never turned out like my sister. I am guessing that genetics play a role here, but I couldn't tell you for sure. She has fits of screaming and crying where she blames other people for her problems; this usually turns into a series of accusations about their character, even though the offense was something minor. She used to regularly take other people's belongings and money, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, often not seeming to notice that some things belong to other people. This has gotten better, but it's still something I wouldn't put past her since I've found about $30 missing from my wallet this past month.

She has an eating disorder and several phobias about food (weirdly enough, she has eaten whole portions of fish, cheese, cake etc. in the middle of the night, even though she claims to hate these things and think they are disgusting). As well as having BPD, her doctors diagnosed her with OCD, so she has attachments to certain ritualistic behaviors. She frequently leaves her belongings everywhere, along with various bits of food; her room looks apocalyptic. She rarely wears clean clothing. She has been hospitalized several times, sometimes for self-harm and overdosing on medicine. She is very superficial and obsessed with her appearance, and has a lot of self-hatred for not holding herself up to her beauty standards. She is terrified of her body and is constantly obsessed with buying compression tights and "health" supplements. Whenever she walked in on me while I was changing, I didn't care - but the one time I walked in on her before she took a bath she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs and called me a "selfish c**t."

I have been "walking on eggshells" for years. My sister used to get so angry I began to fear that she might hurt someone or try to kill me. How was I supposed to know? I was a kid, and fear is not rational. I had no lock on my door and we shared a bathroom; she had to pass through my room in order to use it. She could come in and say whatever horrible thing she wanted to say to me. Now she is only supposed to use my mom's bathroom or the one by the living room, and since she refuses to shower most of the time this isn't a problem. My room is finally my safe place where I can hide and relax; I constantly lock the door. For all her obsessive exercising, she is not very strong or good at fighting, so I only feel emotionally and not physically threatened by her these days. (She has tried to "playfully" put me in a headlock several times and failed miserably.)

Sometimes you have been in the proximity of so much stress and anger that emotional breakdowns become an inevitability. I am not in a war, but this is still pretty bad. I have barely felt like I had a structured family at home - I would look for family elsewhere, because my sister made the place hell.

Even early this morning I received 11 very angry text messages at 7:30am: they detailed why any of my character traits, accomplishments, and college education are worthless next to hers and why I was a horrible human being; really brought me back to my childhood. Why text me these things? She was angry I told my mother that she tried to buy my pain medication off me. It was for my recovery from wisdom teeth removal; she does not need them and her reliance on prescription medication worries my mother. She already takes Ambien and Klonapin, and often has lied about the dosages she's received. (She also has never finished college and can't hold a job.)

I am beginning to understand that what I have experienced was traumatizing, and acknowledging that is okay. I know that my sister suffers greatly, and that my mother and father have much more to deal with than I have, but that doesn't invalidate how I feel. I am still very angry. I have more maturity than I used to and can deal with the situation better, but when my sister says she needs to "talk" to me about something my heart rate still rises exponentially. Once I left for college I began to see a therapist, who verified that my sister was someone I should avoid for the sake of my emotional health. I used to think that I should go home to support my parents - to "do my duty," so to speak, but then began to have panic attacks whenever I got home. On several occasions during a winter break, I would wander around outside late at night simply to avoid her. Then I stopped going home during college, which agreed with what my therapist thought was right for me.

Now I am back home after college. I had an emotional breakdown before coming here, but I needed to work and save up money. Since I didn't have any plans after college it was all I could do.  

Things could be worse, it turns out. I have much more confidence and self-esteem than I did in high-school, and many friends whom I am grateful for. But my sister has not gotten any better. She still screams horrible things at my mother, is very unhygienic and messy, is terrified of gaining weight, and can't hold a job or keep an apartment without getting evicted for messiness (this has happened about 4 or 5 times). She has almost no close friends. About one of them visits her consistently - which is fantastic, but he's the only one, and hasn't always been.

There is nothing my mother, father or I can do to help my sister. She has to help herself, but she doesn't want to. She still claims that we are the delusional ones and that there is nothing wrong with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi Joan7

You have been dealing with quite a difficult situation for many years now. Living with a BPD sibling can really take it's toll on you so I understand your anxiety. Many of our members have been traumatized by what they experienced during their childhood. I am glad you had a therapist though to help you with these things. Are you currently still seeing a therapist?

My parents were not abusive, but many of her classmates at school were. I got bullied at school too, and pretty badly, but I never turned out like my sister.

I am sorry the two of you got bullied. I got bullied too in high school and know how hard this can be, especially when you are also dealing with a BPD environment at home.

Even early this morning I received 11 very angry text messages at 7:30am: they detailed why any of my character traits, accomplishments, and college education are worthless next to hers and why I was a horrible human being; really brought me back to my childhood. Why text me these things? She was angry I told my mother that she tried to buy my pain medication off me. It was for my recovery from wisdom teeth removal; she does not need them and her reliance on prescription medication worries my mother. She already takes Ambien and Klonapin, and often has lied about the dosages she's received. (She also has never finished college and can't hold a job.)

It sounds like your sister is engaging in the BPD behaviors 'projection' and 'splitting' here, are you familiar with these BPD behaviors? You can read more here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

I am beginning to understand that what I have experienced was traumatizing, and acknowledging that is okay. I know that my sister suffers greatly, and that my mother and father have much more to deal with than I have, but that doesn't invalidate how I feel. I am still very angry. I have more maturity than I used to and can deal with the situation better, but when my sister says she needs to "talk" to me about something my heart rate still rises exponentially. Once I left for college I began to see a therapist, who verified that my sister was someone I should avoid for the sake of my emotional health. I used to think that I should go home to support my parents - to "do my duty," so to speak, but then began to have panic attacks whenever I got home. On several occasions during a winter break, I would wander around outside late at night simply to avoid her. Then I stopped going home during college, which agreed with what my therapist thought was right for me.

Why do you feel your mother and father have much more to deal with? Is it because you have been away to college these last couple of years?

You grew up in this difficult environment which really isn't easy. Your parents are adults, but you were just a little child faced with a disordered older sister.

There is nothing my mother, father or I can do to help my sister. She has to help herself, but she doesn't want to. She still claims that we are the delusional ones and that there is nothing wrong with her.

Your sister had been officially diagnosed with BPD and OCD and has also been hospitalized several times. Has she ever gotten any targeted treatment for her BPD?

It is very unfortunate that she doesn't acknowledge the problems she has. Do you feel that your parents do fully acknowledge your sister's issues? How is the relationship between your parents and your sister?

I am glad you reached out for support here