Living up to expectations

[Sarah girl]

So here's the thing: Christmas is fast approaching and I really don't know how I'm going to deal with the expectations set by my BPD mom and enabling brother. I have memories of past occasions (Christmas, birthdays and even events that were for my own kids) where I was accused of under-gifting, being grossly ungrateful, being inadequate, shaming my family's good name, etc. I've been subjected to rages, silent-treatments and extreme criticism. Very often I get the "this is what you think I desreve?" or "You're a cheapskate. And to think I put my entire life on hold for you!". I'm feeling the stress mounting. Both my husband and I work full time and struggle with the increased cost of living expenses. We strive (and IMO succeed) in giving our kids the very best. This means lessons, a top-notch school, oustide activities, etc. We also have a mortgage and a third baby on the way. I've already ordered all the gear for the little one because I don't want anything from my mom and brother - they'll just use it to shame me later or hold some kind of grudge.

My mom and brother both live alone and earn a lot of money with very little expenses (compared to us). They are completely out of touch with how much money, time and energy goes into having a young family. I totally assume responsibility for my life choices and have never expected anything from anybody. The struggle is with the expectations that my mom and brother have of me. I always try to please them to my own financial detriment. I do love to give but I can't see how this is going to happen this year. My mom always says that what you give is a demonstration of your own worth. She will very often unwrap a gift, roll her eyes and say "Big deal!" and just toss it aside. My brother once accused me of buying him used cuff links. One year, I had a set of cuff links engraved with his intials by a jeweller. It was stainless steel but still cost me a small fortune. He thought the box was too scratched up for them to be new and assumed I had found them at some garage sale or something. He didn't speak to me for a month.  

My mom and brother always go overboard when it comes to gift-giving. They lavish my son (not so much my daughter) with absolutely ridiculous gifts that cost a whole lot but are not actually appropriate or practical. These "gifts" are meant to make up for our shortcomings as parents. For example, one year my mom bought my son a laptop computer (it was my daughter's birthday) because apparently, she felt that we were too restrictive with giving him access to our home computer. This Christmas, she wants to buy him - just him- an Xbox One. And when she gives my son these things, she always tells my  daughter that she is not allowed to touch "his stuff".

I'm feeling overwhelmed and am at a loss for what to do at this point. I don't think we'll be able to avoid a meltdown this year  . I wish we lived far away... .

[HappyChappy]

They sound no fun at Christmas (like most BPD).

My wealthy NPD bro use to wrap up second hand items (with the charity sticker still on) in newspaper. Always items he knew we already had or didn’t want. I have since read a covert NPD does this purposefully to point out how inferior you are. My BPD mum always said “I just want good children” and then compaline about whatever you got. It’s a game. When we had kids, my BPD got them the toys we always wanted as kids (but never got) but my kids thought were old fashion. A BPD/NPD is always looking for payback from any gift, that payback might be it causes tention in your family. So we decided to step out the game. So they now get us nothing, and tell us our kids are missing out – our kids don’t care. They never enjoyed seeing our BPD/NPD relatives.

My sis and I (the norms) gave up visiting at Christmas long time ago. Problem sorted. Enjoy Christmas, round our way everyone dresses in fancy dress and goes to the pub. TIP: that only works if you’re not the only one in fancy dress. Lots of reason why you would be unable to visit at Christmas, lots. They soon get use to the fact, things come up at Christmas and stop expecting you to come. My sister use to "pop in" but could never stay. Of course the other way is to learn how to deal with it better (S.E.T etc... .) but it's the perfect senario for a BPD to do their voodo thing, so we prefure to just enjoy Christmase now we have kids. Appologies if I'm being flipant, but I wanted to help but I'm rushing out the doar also... .   

[goateeki]

If it's any consolation to hear it, every single thing you've written here could be said of my diagnosed BPD ex wife's FOO, and her mother in particular.  But my ex MIL took it to another level.  She would never say these things directly to the giver of the gift, but would instead go on, at length, about how substandard every gift given to her by everyone else was. It was constant behind-the-back slander.  It was as if Christmas had come, and everyone's lives were on the line.  I absolutely hated celebrating Christmas with these people. Even recollecting it fills me with dread. 

My ex wife would lecture me about not embarrassing her at her family's house, about speaking to everyone for the required period of time, about what to say and not say, about fluffing every pillow on the couch that my body touched once I got up, about speaking to her father (her mother, my ex wife, and my ex wife's sister ignored him so that left me), about helping clean the table, etc.  One year I spoke to her father, as instructed, and did not participate in table clean up, and boy did that get me in trouble. 

My ex MIL's gift giving is off the charts insane.  First, she never stops giving gifts -- every single time she sees my kids, she gives them a gift to the point that the kids are now trained like dogs to expect a gift from their grandparents every time they see them -- which just perpetuates the insanity of my ex MIL.  She goes into debt to give gifts to members of the family, when honestly all I ever wanted from her was for her to treat me like she wanted me around instead of some barely welcome guest.

The thing that really gets me -- and I'm not a super religious guy or anything -- is, does she not get that Christmas is a time of year when we ought to be really nice and kind? I mean we should be these things all of the time, but man, if you can't muster it at Christmas, you're just not getting Christianity.  I don't know how she (with the help of my ex wife and her sister) could turn Christmas into an ordeal and not understand that she was perverting the holiday.

[Deb]

 

My mom and brother always go overboard when it comes to gift-giving. They lavish my son (not so much my daughter) with absolutely ridiculous gifts that cost a whole lot but are not actually appropriate or practical. These "gifts" are meant to make up for our shortcomings as parents. For example, one year my mom bought my son a laptop computer (it was my daughter's birthday) because apparently, she felt that we were too restrictive with giving him access to our home computer. This Christmas, she wants to buy him - just him- an Xbox One. And when she gives my son these things, she always tells my  daughter that she is not allowed to touch "his stuff".

I'm feeling overwhelmed and am at a loss for what to do at this point. I don't think we'll be able to avoid a meltdown this year  . I wish we lived far away... .

When I was 14, I had a friend whose father would go overboard with gifts for her older sister. And she would get something that cost less than $5. It was very hurtful. I hope you will stand up for your kids by not allowing this. Your mother and brother can keep their x box or make it for both kids, but this is mean spirited and abusive for them to shower your son with gifts.

[AmMovingForward]

I'm somewhat dreading the impending holidays. It's always drama, just the degree to what it will be is the only variable.  I'm exhausted,  emotionally and physically, after being around my immediate family for more than an hour or so. Guilt sets in if I even fathom the thought of me and my daughter not showing up, but it would be nice. Wish I had the money to escape to a tropical island, far away from it all.

Bring on the spiked eggnog,  I suppose 

[Sarah girl]

Goateeki,

My ex MIL's gift giving is off the charts insane.  First, she never stops giving gifts -- every single time she sees my kids, she gives them a gift to the point that the kids are now trained like dogs to expect a gift from their grandparents every time they see them -- which just perpetuates the insanity of my ex MIL.  She goes into debt to give gifts to members of the family, when honestly all I ever wanted from her was for her to treat me like she wanted me around instead of some barely welcome guest.

I can totally relate. Despite all the fuss we go through to "get it right" at each occasion, I've never actually felt accepted as a person. Instead, I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. When my mom is satisfied, I'm relieved that I dodged a bullet. When she's not happy (which is most of the time), I feel like I screwed up. I can't remember a stress-free Christmas where we were all just happy to be together  .

HappyChappy:

They sound no fun at Christmas (like most BPD).

A BPD/NPD is always looking for payback from any gift, that payback might be it causes tension in your family. So we decided to step out the game.

My sis and I (the norms) gave up visiting at Christmas long time ago. Problem sorted. Enjoy Christmas, round our way everyone dresses in fancy dress and goes to the pub.

Thank you for expressing what I've been feeling all these years. Despite what my mom says, that she never expects anything, she constantly throws things she thinks she's done in my face whenever her expectations are not met. The formula is: "I did XYZ for you and this is how you repay me?" The irony is, I rarely let her help me or give me things at all.

She tries to force things on us. In the summer, she insisted on going to a fancy restaurant (which we could not afford). I refused repeatedly until she begged me because she said she felt lonely going alone and wanted to experience "the finer things" with somebody. She offered to pay and I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation and didn't enjoy myself at all. I honestly would prefer not to exchange any presents or favours - ever. Enduring personal hardship is easier than enduring her abuse and rage.

Deb, I can't even count the number of times I've refused gifts from her. I tell her not to buy us anything. It is deeply hurtful when she does this. This is why I've gone LC.

AmMovingForward:

I'm somewhat dreading the impending holidays. It's always drama, just the degree to what it will be is the only variable.  I'm exhausted,  emotionally and physically, after being around my immediate family for more than an hour or so. Guilt sets in if I even fathom the thought of me and my daughter not showing up, but it would be nice. Wish I had the money to escape to a tropical island, far away from it all.

You and me both! I very often fantasize about going away for Christmas. One year, before the kids came along, we went to a nice resort down south for the holidays. It was the best Christmas I've ever had. Still, mother was expecting a very fancy gift upon our return. Her gift cost half the price of my vacation package. She "accidentally" broke it two years later.

[Harri]

Hi Sarah.  Christmas is always difficult isn't it?  Your mother and brother certainly seem to have twisted ideas of what the holiday means and to demand gifts?  yuck.  My mother used to put down every gift I ever gave her, even when i was a kid.  One year I had saved my money and bought her a sweater that would have looked great on her... .if she had bothered to keep it.  I got raged at because it was not 100% cotton.  The color and style was perfect for her... .but the material choice I made ruined the holiday for everyone.  I was stupid, selfish, and ungrateful for making that mistake.  she spent the rest of the holiday and about the next week in the unheated basement avoiding all of us except to yell and scream at me.  <sighs>

I finally got to the point where I did not give her gifts.  Not for anything, not even a card.  when they are running a game where you lose no matter what, I say change the game and play by your own rules.  You *know* you will nOt please her, so stop trying.  Today, if I had it to do over, I would choose to make a donation to charity in her name and leave it at that.  Is that something you would consider? 

I'm feeling overwhelmed and am at a loss for what to do at this point. I don't think we'll be able to avoid a meltdown this year. I wish we lived far away... .

  Since avoiding a meltdown is not in the cards (and really, has avoidance ever worked?) change it up Sarah girl.  You know what she will do and say so expect it and plan for it (that way you will not be blindsided or filled with hope that this time will be different) and do what you feel comfortable with.  What can she possibly do that is worse than what you have already managed to deal with and survive?     Moving away will not change this either, though i wish it would.  They would just expect to get their gifts shipped to them and or visit for the holidays... .Moving is not a solution... .it is barely a bandaid.

As for her favoring your son with extravagant gifts compared to your daughter... .that is unacceptable.  How hurtful and damaging to the both of them, especially your daughter!  How dare she tell her she can't play with her brothers game?  How dare she try to put a wedge between your kids like that?   How dare she do that to you and your husband for disregarding your preferences as parents.  Personally, I think you should let loose and tell them off.  No need to be polite and no need to avoid their rages.  They have no business doing that to any of you especially not your children.  Let it rip Sarah girl.  You don't have to yell and scream (but if it happens, so what!) but you can put your foot down.  How dare they do that to you and yours!  Unless you fear physical violence, let loose on them.  Say no.  Set limits.  Boundaries do not apply here.  Limits and hard rules do.  This is not going to change until you change.  It is hard and scary but is that any worse than what you have already tolerated?  Changing what you do and say is the only chance of stopping this.  It will take time, but you and your family are worth so much better than this right?   

[Sarah girl]

Thanks Harri,

Seems like our moms are quite similar. The less I have contact with her, the more I realize how much of my life I've spent worrying about pleasing her. You're right that it's futile. I'm going to try and have a real Christmas this year. I want to feel that I and my family are accepted for who we are and not for how much of her inner-void we can strive to fill. It's so hard to not get all tangled up in the whole thing. Especailly with a brother who guilts me and enables her. No, she has no right to overstep her boundaries and treat my family that way. So far, I've worked up the courage to go LC. I know I still have a long way to go. I'm just starting to realize these things and processing them. It's pretty hard and shocking to see an entire life of experiences in a new light. I'm hoping to come out of it stronger and better. Thanks for your support and encouragement.

[Oregon Trail]

Sarah girl: My goodness, yes, I'm also familiar with bpm's gifts that are aimed to make up for our shortcomings as parents! And feeling like nothing I can give her will be good enough... .After all, nothing we give will ever come close to everything they have given us (even if their only lasting gifts are ulcers). Your crew sounds especially difficult and rude. Really, what a shame.

Oh, how I too wish I lived far away at the holiday! Especially since the weeks before the holidays always full of land mines, and Christmas has become a time to dread. My uBPm becomes suddenly resentful and often "cancels" plans with us.  This year I thought I'd try to change it up, try to reclaim Christmas and give it some meaning beyond pleasing Mom.  So I found a community dinner, and suggested to my mom that we all take part as a family.  There's no way to begrudge a charitable impulse, right?  Wrong!  Didn't take her long  to shoot down the idea, cancel plans to see us for Thanksgiving & Xmas, and tell me to "go to the church and feel good about your charitable selves."

It's interesting to see how difficult Christmas is for everyone with a PD family member... .Something about gifts really strikes a nerve with them.  Tokens of appreciation = No winning.

Good luck, Sarah girl.  Whether you decide to visit with them or not, I hope you'll find space for a "real Christmas" that matters to you and your immediate family this year. 

[futurecatlady]

Thank you for bringing this up. The dilemma about how to deal with the holidays is SO REAL. Especially when all your family is one place and its really difficult to exclude the bpm without tons of drama. Option a) just drudge through and get through the pain, unpleasantness, and hope you don't embarass yourself or lose your temper. Accept a crappy Christmas. Option b) avoid completely, do your own thing, enjoy it, but deal with the guilt of cutting off people who you don't want to hurt. Try doing limited contact for the holiday, if at all.  I think probably option B is the thing to do here, especially because of how she can hurt your kids (that sounds like such a nightmare, I'm sorry!). I'm doing that for thanksgiving, and am planning only to interact with my mom for like a few hours for dinner and perhaps one activity over the weekend. I hope it works out, although I expect a lot of vitriolic text messages telling me how awful I am as a result.