First post - afraid I'll get caught

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone -

So, I just joined this board today after lurking for a while... .Hello!

It's funny: as I was signing up I realized I'm terrified that my BPD mother (undiagnosed, except by me) will find me here.  Anyone else feel that?  She's always been an unrepentant snoop and privacy-invader, so it doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility that she'd somehow find this board and "catch" me talking about her.  But then again she's probably never heard of BPD, and if she did, she'd never dream that she has it.  I am 42 years old but feel like a scared little child right now.

Anyway, I'm glad this board exists and am hopeful that I can help support others here and vice versa.

Thanks!

[Oregon Trail]

Hi everyone -

So, I just joined this board today after lurking for a while... .Hello!

It's funny: as I was signing up I realized I'm terrified that my BPD mother (undiagnosed, except by me) will find me here.  Anyone else feel that?  She's always been an unrepentant snoop and privacy-invader, so it doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility that she'd somehow find this board and "catch" me talking about her.  But then again she's probably never heard of BPD, and if she did, she'd never dream that she has it.  I am 42 years old but feel like a scared little child right now.

Anyway, I'm glad this board exists and am hopeful that I can help support others here and vice versa.

Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi Oregon Trail

Thanks for making this first post after lurking for a while.

And yeah, I think many of us especially at first worried about family-members reading their posts. The first posts often feel the most scary.

Dealing with a BPD mother can be quite difficult. Could you tell us a bit more about your mom? What does she say and do that leads you to believe she has BPD?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[Confused#2]

 

I also am afraid my sis will find me on this site. I do not know if she would be on since I think she is one with BPD but she may think her sibs are also. It does frighten me.   BUT if you live in the same household and use the same computer I would advise you to clear out the HISTORY tab after  posting so that she can not just click on it and see where you were. Good Luck

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Oregon Trail 

Welcome to the board!

You are brave and courageous to post! It IS scary! I'm older than you, but I was so scared the first few times I even opened up my mouth a few years ago to say something about my uBPDm that wasn't positive but was truthful. I kept being afraid that anything I said about her would be heard by another person who, if they ever met my mom, would spill the beans, and boy would I be in big trouble! I couldn't risk her finding out that I talked about her. When I began T, it took me awhile to trust enough to share but I was finally able to do just that. It also took me some time to venture out on the board to post.

One of the reasons we chose the names we do is for safety's sake for each member on the board. Tell us more about yourself as you feel comfortable. You'll find lots of help and empathy here. 



Wools

[HappyChappy]

Totally understand why you would be worried, as BPD do snoop. But they only see what they want to and they don’t want to believe they have BPD.  Also unless they think something is about them, then don’t tend to be overly interested. I’ve been on the board a while, and can’t ever remember anyone saying they’d been caught (but then I don’t read everything).  However that said, the Members lounge posts don’t link to any external searches.

I hope in time you can tell us more about the issues you face, because most people find that helps. A problem shared is a problem halved. Not sure you can get over a BPD without opening up a bit. And you'll find people here have loads of empathy and understanding. Non judgmental.

I think in time you won't worry about being found on this site (Fek them). Welcome to the board and look forward to hearing about your tribulations.    

[Oregon Trail]

Oh my goodness, I didn't realize people have been replying to my post: I thought I'd get an email if I had a reply. In the interim, I found another forum (Out of the Fog) and started a more detailed thread there. And now I realize you have to check back with the message board to see if people have replied.  So, I'm sorry for the delayed acknowledgment of your warm welcomes and assurances! 

Now that I've opened up more with details of the problem (albeit on the other forum) I'm even more nervous about being found out... .Like Woolspinner said, like I'll get in "big trouble."  But then I think, so what?  Really, what do I have to lose?  I'm no longer the child that used to hide her diary and then be shamed after Mom read it & quoted it back.

So, yeah, HappyChappy, "fek them."   

And thankfully, Confused#2, I don't live in the same house.  I'll be sure to clear my history, however, if she's ever alone in my house - but I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.

Thank you all for your kind replies!  I'll be seeing you again soon, and look forward to supporting you all too, I hope!

[AmMovingForward]

My mother has no boundaries.  She even leaves the door wide open while she's using toilet! As she's gotten older her mailbox is flooded with those stupid magazines with celebrity gossip, and she talks about their drama like they're family. I'll feed into it for about an hour max and then I feel brain cells dying, so I create a reason to leave or get off the phone. It's crazy I know,  because my mother is very smart and she created a worldly impression on me as a young girl growing up, taking me to different ethnic restaurants and places of different cultures,  so I don't know why she's regressed, but it does bother me knowing there's a different woman in there and I've not seen that woman in decades.

Shame is very hard to get over, especially when you were exposed to it for years, but shame is not the norm, and even if she was reading this, what do you have to hide? Her status quo being exposed more than likely.

I'm glad this board exists as well, and nice to meet you!

[Marutte]

I live in a different country than my mother and I'm STILL afraid she'll somehow hear my thoughts and steel my feelings... .So, I definitely understand!

[genny867]

I'm so glad you are reaching out, even though you are afraid! By putting everything out in the open, you'll find that you are not alone and hopefully that fear will subside. Personally, I don't care if my BPD sister reads anything that I write. I am not alone, and I am not afraid. What's she going to do? Yell at me? Insult me? Perhaps the silent treatment if I'm lucky? Doesn't matter, she does all that regardless of what I say or do. Mindful meditation has been keeping me together, living in the moment, no longer anticipating what she might do next. This is a great place for support and information!

[EvasiveAction]

Hi everyone -

So, I just joined this board today after lurking for a while... .Hello!

It's funny: as I was signing up I realized I'm terrified that my BPD mother (undiagnosed, except by me) will find me here.  Anyone else feel that? 

Hi Oregon Trail -flashback to sitting in the library playing this game   Yes, absolutely 100% afraid of getting caught, hence my name. I think growing up with a BPD parent and having to deal with that nosiness and invasion of a sort, it's part of who we are to a degree.

I also had to share -- I logged onto this board after being away for some time (due to being afraid of getting caught) and as I'm reading the different posts, who should call but my uBPD father who has been giving me the silent treatment for over a month.    Total coincidence, I'm sure.

Glad you found us and have posted.

EA

[lavalove]

Welcome 

I had the exact same thoughts about fear of getting caught when I first posted, and sometimes still do. I can't explain how comforting it is to know that even something as basic as that is a common thread and I'm not alone. I hope you find healing in this community.

[survived]

Welcome to the forum! Posting is definitely scary at first! My first time posting here I was certain my uBPD mom would find out, and she barely uses a computer. I think it's the fear of the meltdown and the guilt mixture. I'm happy you made it here. This site has helped tremendously. 

[thewlms]

I too am afraid I will get caught by my BPD mother! I am scared all the time of her rage and wrath. I read these replies that you post and think what am I really afraid of? Her yelling uncontrollably at me? Her giving me the silent treatment? Her telling people how horrible I am for what I said about her? Logically this doesn't sound that bad but why does it hurt so much?

  Really, what do I have to lose?  I'm no longer the child that used to hide her diary and then be shamed after Mom read it & quoted it back.

I can relate to this most of all! I think my mother gave me a diary just so she could read my thoughts! Pure evil!

[savedbyGodsgrace]

I also self-diagnosed my sister, who has had fits of anger and claims self-righteousness as her justification for being this way.  As far back as I could remember, she has always had relationship problems, employment problems, difficulties connecting with people especially with women and has a history of extreme measures to let someone know how displeased she is when someone does not acknowlege her or her view of things.  Then, she would become even more irate when people either ignore her or dismiss what she says is the truth.  Her presence can't be denied even if you ignore her.  Taking my first recent step in typing on this website this past weekend is a huge step for me and I know it is for you.  It is rather daunting because it is also acknowledging that a loved one is terribly ill and there isn't any cure; and if she/he doesn't choose to be treated or endure therapy, they can't possibly get better, hence resuming the cycle once again and enduring an endless bottomless sea of more deceptions, anger and unexplained rage. 

I was once so scared to tell my sister (over 20 years ago) that I was baptized at the very church she disapproved of, but I told her the truth because if she finds out the truth on her own and she always does, and finds out that I kept it from her, a larger wrath would ensue. 

God is wonderful.  He has kept me safe from harm and even soften her heart 10 years later to go to church with me.  Although she no longer goes with me to church, has not professed Jesus as her Savior . . . yet, I won't give up on her.  God is not done with her.  There is hope, even if we don't see it.  Hope comes from faith not ourselves and what we don't believe or conceive, Jesus is more than able to take care of our loved ones.  Praying for you.