Eye-opening return home to mum

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I am aware I have a couple of threads to reply to on this board, so bear with me - I will get to it asap. But I just got home from a one-week trip away and my return has been an eye-opener - I really have to post this.

Quick background: six months ago I broke up with my UxBPD. We had been together for three years, were heading for marriage etc and it all blew up in the space of weeks.

The broken relationship has made me realise that my relationship with my mum has been very damaging. Now that I know so much about BPD (which came as a result of us breaking up so unexpectedly and me wondering what on earth happened here?) I realise that my mum also has VERY strong traits of the disorder. I always knew something wasn't quite right when I was growing up, and now I at last have some sort of answer.

This evening was particularly eye-opening. I'm currently staying with my family as my broken relationship has left me homeless and jobless (my ex and I were due to move countries and buy a house together etc - so he left me in a huge mess). I went on a one-week trip to visit a friend in another country not far from mine. It's been such a horrendous year, so I wanted to end it on a good note, hence why I decided to travel (travel in a big passion of mine).

Well, within half an hour of arriving back home just now my mum was raging at me for something that was in NO way my fault. Before I had this new level of awareness I would have gotten very upset by the allegations and no doubt would have started to wonder if in fact I had done something wrong.

I feel a mixture of anger and relief. Anger because I was subjected to this kind of abuse for most of my childhood, and I had no one to help me through it or to help me make sense of what was happening. Most of her rages were directed at me; I was always walking on egg shells when she was around, and I never knew whether I'd be told "I love you" or "Get out my effing face I hate you."

I'm relieved, however, that I at least now have this awareness, as it makes me realise so many things about myself. I've read so much about kids of mothers with BPD and the descriptions make sense to me. I've grown up always feeling like there was something wrong with me. No wonder.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. At least I have the power to make these changes to my life. It just upsets me that I've walked through most of my twenties and early thirties feeling inadequate through no fault of my own. I'm bitter about the years and opportunities that I've lost as a result of this.

I guess I just really needed to write this out. This was also the first time I observed my mum and thought to myself "she really is ill" which was hurtful for me to even admit to myself. I feel sorry for her, but I also feel some resentment - she's repeating the same patterns with my sisters and has made little to no effort to change.

Well, at least I can.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hello all,

I am aware I have a couple of threads to reply to on this board, so bear with me - I will get to it asap. But I just got home from a one-week trip away and my return has been an eye-opener - I really have to post this.

Quick background: six months ago I broke up with my UxBPD. We had been together for three years, were heading for marriage etc and it all blew up in the space of weeks.

The broken relationship has made me realise that my relationship with my mum has been very damaging. Now that I know so much about BPD (which came as a result of us breaking up so unexpectedly and me wondering what on earth happened here?) I realise that my mum also has VERY strong traits of the disorder. I always knew something wasn't quite right when I was growing up, and now I at last have some sort of answer.

This evening was particularly eye-opening. I'm currently staying with my family as my broken relationship has left me homeless and jobless (my ex and I were due to move countries and buy a house together etc - so he left me in a huge mess). I went on a one-week trip to visit a friend in another country not far from mine. It's been such a horrendous year, so I wanted to end it on a good note, hence why I decided to travel (travel in a big passion of mine).

Well, within half an hour of arriving back home just now my mum was raging at me for something that was in NO way my fault. Before I had this new level of awareness I would have gotten very upset by the allegations and no doubt would have started to wonder if in fact I had done something wrong.

I feel a mixture of anger and relief. Anger because I was subjected to this kind of abuse for most of my childhood, and I had no one to help me through it or to help me make sense of what was happening. Most of her rages were directed at me; I was always walking on egg shells when she was around, and I never knew whether I'd be told "I love you" or "Get out my effing face I hate you."

I'm relieved, however, that I at least now have this awareness, as it makes me realise so many things about myself. I've read so much about kids of mothers with BPD and the descriptions make sense to me. I've grown up always feeling like there was something wrong with me. No wonder.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. At least I have the power to make these changes to my life. It just upsets me that I've walked through most of my twenties and early thirties feeling inadequate through no fault of my own. I'm bitter about the years and opportunities that I've lost as a result of this.

I guess I just really needed to write this out. This was also the first time I observed my mum and thought to myself "she really is ill" which was hurtful for me to even admit to myself. I feel sorry for her, but I also feel some resentment - she's repeating the same patterns with my sisters and has made little to no effort to change.

Well, at least I can.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

I've returned to this thread as I have some questions: how does one begin to forgive their FOO for what they did to you?

I'm having an issue with this. I feel a lot of repressed anger and resentment bubbling to the surface since I started to try and deal with this. And it doesn't help when I see that she's still the same - my mum hasn't changed much since I was a child. She's repeating the same patterns with my younger sisters, albeit a bit tamer this time around.

I'm struggling with this and it's worse now that it's the holidays. I just want to book a ticket and head somewhere - anywhere - so that I don't have to face up to the way she is. The insults. The swearing. The rage. And then back to sugary sweet nice within hours.

And then I think of my ex, how he was similar, and all the things he did in the end, and I just want to scream. Yes, they may have an illness, or the traits of an illness, but does that really excuse them? How can they not see how destructive their behaviour is? How can they not see the pain they put people through? Especially when they have been this way for years. I just don't get it.

I'm usually incredibly understanding, but at the moment I'm really not in the mood for understanding anyone.

[eeks]

I've returned to this thread as I have some questions: how does one begin to forgive their FOO for what they did to you?

I'm having an issue with this. I feel a lot of repressed anger and resentment bubbling to the surface since I started to try and deal with this. And it doesn't help when I see that she's still the same - my mum hasn't changed much since I was a child. She's repeating the same patterns with my younger sisters, albeit a bit tamer this time around.

Hi hopeful83, I once heard a perspective on forgiveness that made sense to me:  "first you heal, then you forgive".  Some people may be drawn to the idea of forgiveness because they think it could help them have more peace of mind, others may want to forgive because it's part of their religious faith.

I think that whether and when to forgive is something each person has to decide on their own.  To me, the important thing is to honestly feel and move through all of your emotions.  If you feel angry about how your mother treated you growing up, maybe that's the right feeling for you to have at this stage of your healing process.  So, you could try allowing yourself to feel anger.  Of course, that doesn't mean act on the anger... .maybe even say the angry thoughts to yourself or write them in a journal if that helps.

Allowing a feeling in this way can cause it to change or shift, or lead to new insights.  You can practice this alone, but it can be helpful to do it with a therapist or a trusted friend, who can listen and stay with you in the presence of strong emotions without trying to change or fix them.

[cloudten]

So, another member and i on the boards have been exploring our own issues with our mothers... .very similar.

My mother is an outright narcissist. Big time.

Honestly I think you have so much more to be HOPEFUL about that you are aware of! I truly feel like this first step of figuring out our issues with our FOO is the biggest step to getting ourselves on the right path again! Just think if you hadn't moved home, hadn't come into enlightenment regarding your FOO issues... .you would be out there making the same mistakes with the same types of people! So, bravo! You are really on quite a path to healing.

It hurts right now... .I know it hurts. It's going to hurt more as you dig into this stuff with your mum. BUT- it gets better!

In relationships, we attach to partners who represent/mimic the worst relationship with a parental unit. For me that was my mom. For you, it could be your mom. We seek to repair the relationship with our parent by being victorious in the romantic relationship... .but it doesn't work. Because that boyfriend has the same issues as our mother... .and guess what... .they never (rarely) change. So, water seeks its own level. We try to conquer our FOO issues by dating/marrying/pairing with someone with the same issues in the hope that we will be victorious. I hope this makes sense.

SO- how do you keep from falling into the trap of hitching up with another pwBPD?  By figuring out your FOO issues, dealing with those, then addressing how to move forward in healthy relationships.

The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Your entire life, you have been in the bargaining, denial, anger, and depression stages regarding your mother. The first step in your process is acceptance. You have to accept your mother the way she is... .accept that she is never going to change.  That doesn't mean you have to kiss and make up- actually i feel that it means the opposite. You know that compassion that you have for the scared little boy inside your exbf? That is sort of the same compassion you have to have for your mother... .she's sick. she's probably never going to change. The only thing you can change is your attitude about it. Come to terms that your mother wasn't the mother you deserved, nor will she ever be the mother you need. It sucks! It's sad! It's sad as H*ll! But once you start grieving the mother you never had... .you will be beginning the road to healing in a way you never thought possible.

Now I know your situation is different as you have to live with her, but I recommend propelling yourself as fast as you can out of that house. As you begin your journey of healing with regards to your mom... .you will need space. it's okay to need space... .it doesn't make you bad daughter.

You asked about forgiveness. That might not come quite yet. But it's important to remember that forgiveness is about you... .forgiveness is for you... .so that you don't walk thru life with a bitter, angry heart. Forgiveness will come... .but I think you will need space from her to really begin that process.

Even though this book is more about narcissists than pwBPD, i think the healing process the author outlines is priceless. I have listened my way through it twice now, and have done half of the exercises. The holidays got in my way with doing more... .but I want to complete her process. I cried so hard through the book... .truly deep down cried.  I highly recommend this book- the audio version is great too... ."Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. 

It would be truly awful to be living on that rollercoaster... .there is HOPE though... .it just takes a little more pain to confront it though. PM me if you want.

HUGS! XOXO cloud