Has therapy helped you? (uBPD Father)

[EvasiveAction]

Hello. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to share if therapy has helped them cope with a family member who has BPD. I was resistant to start therapy just to discuss my uBPD father, but since a few other things have come up in my life that I need help with, I finally found someone I feel comfortable with. But I have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it's worthless, isn't going to be beneficial, basically all the thoughts I carry forward from what I'd hear from my dad on a regular basis about most things in life (if that makes sense).

I have another question unrelated to therapy, but related to my uBPD father. Not sure if I should start a new topic for that or if it's okay to ask here. If it's okay to include it, how do you deal with things being said about you (or someone else important in your life, in this situation my spouse) by the uBPD person in your life? As mentioned above, I'm going through a very difficult time in my life. I can't say much about it due to confidentiality (legal matter) but just the fact that litigation may or may not be involved should say something about how heavy of a matter I've been dealing with. When I told my dad the very bare basics of the situation and apologized for not being able to say much the past few months, it turned into how he was sickened at how I was treating him. I was able to stop him and ask him to put himself in my shoes, how I was (could still be) facing litigation and losing my house and everything else, but it didn't have much of an impact. He then went on to share with my sibling how he is convinced my husband has ADD or ADHD and that is why we're in the situation we are in. (My husband is not ADD or ADHD, but was recently diagnosed as Bipolar II, something my husband fully acknowledges, accepts and is actively seeking help for).


I don't want to confront my dad about his comments to my sibling because it will be of no use. But if you have had something similar happen (hurtful comments behind your back), how do you deal with it? If your coping mechanism is to just brush it off, how do you do that?

Thanks much,

EvasiveAction

[Calsun]

Hi EvasiveAction,

Welcome! I'm relatively new to this website, as well.  And it helps me to share and to read other shares!  It sounds like a difficult situation you're in.  One thing that I've learned, first of all, is that the character assassinations and distortions of reality are characteristic of BPD's. BPD's will try to invalidate your sense of reality.  And they project their own illness onto their children.  As we develop stronger psychological boundaries through support and validation, we get better at seeing that. Christine Lawson discusses this dynamic in Understanding the Borderline Mother. It's a worthwhile book to read even if it's a father that is uBPD.  I also am finding Surviving A Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth to be very helpful.  So, the distortions are to be expected.  It doesn't make it easy dealing with those distortions, but it has helped me to understand that  it is futile to try to win this person's approval or to try to get into a debate about what is or is not reality, thinking that I can convince them of what is real. BPD is a disease of distorted thinking and distorted understanding of reality.

What helps me is to share with validating and supportive people, to share here on this website because you will have a lot of people who will validate your reality that BPD's do these character assassinations and are prone to demonizing and projecting their stuff onto their children.  Reading literature helps, also.  As for therapy, I'm hoping to work with someone again.  I think knowing what I know now about my mother's uBPD and all of the family denial around it, I would seek out a therapist who has some real expertise in working with adult children of BPD's.  I suspect many therapists don't have that expertise, and in some cases cannot really connect with the horror and unrestrained abuse that a BPD parent can direct toward a child.  Having a therapist who doesn't get it can feel very lonely and very invalidating.  And that loneliness of not being believed or understood in regard to the abuse and craziness from a borderline parent (when the parent seemed mild or benign to outsiders) has been one of the hardest things about having an uBPD mother.  But I think if the therapist gets it, really understands the dynamics and the challenges that children of BPD's face in recovery and is warm and empathic, I would think it would be invaluable!

Best,

Calsun

[GeekyGirl]

Therapy has absolutely helped me! I was a nervous wreck before my first T session. I had some of the same fears that you had, including worry that the T would judge me. Having a T that you're comfortable with and can open up to is absolutely crucial. You'll get out what you put into T... . it can be a lot of work, but it can help you see yourself in a whole new light. My T is very patient and non-judgmental, which has helped me to open up and feel like it's a safe environment.

As for your dad's comments, it's very hard to not be angry when someone reacts the way your father did. You did a good thing for yourself, though, when you stood up to him and asked him to put himself in your shoes. What helps is to work on yourself so that your father's comments don't affect you as much. That's a lot easier said than done, I know. When my mother says that I'm selfish, for example, I look at what caused her to say that, knowing that I'm not generally a selfish person. That makes it easier to not be affected by the comment.

[mil2bpd]

Great question about therapy. I did have a go and glad I did - the results were nothing short of amazing and it wasn't due to the current uBPD I have to content with in our lives now. But as a result of having that therapy under my belt - that did deal with other PDs, including NPD as well as BPDs, it sure helped to equip me with the situation our family is dealing with now. I feel as if I've been able to immediately point my DS in the right direction and deal effectively with my DIL when she started with her crazy-making accusations and painting me black. Pre-therapy I think I'd have been reduced to a pile of ruble but now - I am much stronger and let her rants roll off me. I understand it's the illness talking.

I definitely have developed a clearer understanding of myself and how to express my own needs, how to feel comfortable with the sometimes not-so-comfortable feelings that sometimes bubble up... . but eventually pass. I don't immediately react by going into my head and ruminating - so unhealthy and causes everything to escalate that much more! I feel it and accept it and say, ah, okay, hmm, feels kind of funny and not so great this feeling but let's have it, let's deal with it and breathe through it. It's icky and unpleasant but it will pass.  And it does.  Could I have done it before therapy? No way. I definitely feel more centered and grounded and -- strange as this sounds, at home with myself. And I think by being more present with myself I can be there for others as well. I'm actually even more respectful of their privacy - not as much need to "caretake" and solve their problems. Odd how this all comes about. But I think it takes a good therapist, certainly one who knows the inner workings of a PD.  It's funny that the uNPD I often had struggles with was in the health care field and refused to acknowledge such PDs -- doesn't that tell you something right there? Imagine seeking counseling from such a person? And the frightening thing is... . they're out there.  So choose your therapist wisely, not just some inny meany miiny mo off the insurance roster.  The fact you're answering this question is a good start!  I'm sure I'll be heading back for tune-up's as I go along this path!

As far as the dialog with your dad -- good tactic to ask to put himself in your shoes. Works for most people. Except, from what I've found, personality disordered folks aren't most people. It's entirely too convoluted a concept to see the world from any other viewpoint but their own.  That's almost like asking a blind person to see the color purple - not going to work no matter how much you try to explain it. So maybe some other kind of approach, like those outlined in the book, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". 

One thing's for sure: you'll be getting a lot of advice here for you to pick and choose from to find whatever methods serve you best in your particular situation. We each have unique scenario's but so much overlap.

[EvasiveAction]

Hi everyone, I am the original poster of this topic and wanted to pop in to give an update and hopefully some encouragement or help to others. Through the help of those who shared their experiences, I went forward with the therapy and it was one of the best things I've done for myself in trying to deal with my uBPD father. While the therapist did help me understand my dad's issue(s), we also worked on what I refer to as my tool box and filling it with tools I need to cope with any interaction with my dad. I learned a lot about myself, including the strength I have inside to not allow myself to be treated poorly or to not allow myself to be shamed/feel shameful based on his distorted value system.

I still have difficulties, in fact I have unknowingly or unintentionally gone NC with him (realized it when I came back to the boards and was reading through the glossary and other threads) because I've been on the receiving end of yet another silent treatment as punishment. I just can't give the same effort and put myself out there to only get rejected yet again, so I don't make any attempts. He called the other day (coincidentally while I was catching up on the boards and reading the post about "are you afraid of getting caught here?"   ) but I didn't take the call. It might seem passive-aggressive on my part, but it's survival for me.

I am also dreading the upcoming holidays, as I see others are, too. I am grateful for this group and will get through the season thanks to this message board.

Long story short/too long, didn't read--if you are new to the BPD world and unsure or afraid or doubtful, if you are able to, I highly recommend therapy for yourself. And if you go to someone and don't like them or feel they don't "get" it or are difficult to talk to and connect with, try someone else. Keep trying. It's worth it. You are worth it.

EvasiveAction

[HappyChappy]

hopefully some encouragement or help to others... .went forward with the therapy and it was one of the best things I've done for myself... .

I highly recommend therapy for yourself. And if you go to someone and don't like them or feel they don't "get" it or are difficult to talk to and connect with, try someone else. Keep trying. It's worth it. You are worth it.

Great new that you’ve found a good Therapist. If you’re happy to pass over a recommendation of a Therapist that “gets it” and is available on the phone/skype I would greatly appreciate a link to their website. I don't have insurance, but happy to pay. Feel free to PM me if you're comforable with that. Thanks in advance.