Putting you down so nicely?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So me and ex-BPD had A phone call tonight to discuss our lil girls nursery payments when she starts in January which I won't go into. We had a lot of discussions about different things but that was the main, first was my driving application. I phoned him up earlier to ask about a question on the form he helped me out with that, good, then we'd phone later to discuss the nursery and things.

So phone up, tell him about the nursery situation it's going to be about £40 each but he says things like oh it's expensive for him because his not getting £££ they've just cut his benefit, his getting it but not the amount he wants so his appealing and all and his got his phone bill and all this but will go out drinking every Saturday night, will eat out five days a week or something, will buy video games etc... Then uses the excuse "oh you get all this money towards her" etc... I'm not saying this is just BPD behaviour.

My driving - "I think you'd struggle in a manual you should do automatic, you'd find it really hard". I was just like well thanks but that's for me to decide, didn't say that, I just said "well thanks" :/ before that he said I think you'd be good at driving. Then he tells me what an automatic is like I was born yesterday, this really reminds me of my dad which is a different story, I don't take it to personally though as he does it with most people, I think. He says it so nicely though that you don't think about it until after. Has anybody else had this expirence?

Really wish I could come up with better replies when I get all these comments thrown at me.

Then tells me about his benefit cut, his appealing how he went to Canada, yeah he enjoyed it but not as he should of he was anxiety provoked all the time, he was snapping at his folks who he went with and he just sounded so dramatic about it. I validated as best I could, I suffer with MH as well and anxiety so know the feeling but gawd if you could of heard the convo it was drama queen, dramatic, me, me me! "Everything's so hard" and then he put on this childish lil boys voice while speaking about it which really freaks me out.

With the benefit situation as well because it's for disability there cracking down on it now. I'm on the same thing but his like "ooh when they renew yours get all you can out of them" and I was like, in my head well I'm happy with the rate I'm on, I'm not disabled I have anxiety and stuff and sometimes feel unsafe etc... But I'm not psychically disabled. His like me anxiety and all but can still get out but again it's all drama queen.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I just wanted to put it out there and write it down so maybe I can make sense of it myself.

I just think he likes the way his lifestyle is in a way, getting all this money, sitting on his ass all day playing video games, drinking to when he passes out every night. Etc... It's sad really, feel sad for our lil girl, that's her dad and I can't do anything to help, I validate, offer advise but I'm talking to a brick wall. He's so stuck in his ways. All I can do is focus on me and her.

[Climbmountains91]

So me and ex-BPD had A phone call tonight to discuss our lil girls nursery payments when she starts in January which I won't go into. We had a lot of discussions about different things but that was the main, first was my driving application. I phoned him up earlier to ask about a question on the form he helped me out with that, good, then we'd phone later to discuss the nursery and things.

So phone up, tell him about the nursery situation it's going to be about £40 each but he says things like oh it's expensive for him because his not getting £££ they've just cut his benefit, his getting it but not the amount he wants so his appealing and all and his got his phone bill and all this but will go out drinking every Saturday night, will eat out five days a week or something, will buy video games etc... Then uses the excuse "oh you get all this money towards her" etc... I'm not saying this is just BPD behaviour.

My driving - "I think you'd struggle in a manual you should do automatic, you'd find it really hard". I was just like well thanks but that's for me to decide, didn't say that, I just said "well thanks" :/ before that he said I think you'd be good at driving. Then he tells me what an automatic is like I was born yesterday, this really reminds me of my dad which is a different story, I don't take it to personally though as he does it with most people, I think. He says it so nicely though that you don't think about it until after. Has anybody else had this expirence?

Really wish I could come up with better replies when I get all these comments thrown at me.

Then tells me about his benefit cut, his appealing how he went to Canada, yeah he enjoyed it but not as he should of he was anxiety provoked all the time, he was snapping at his folks who he went with and he just sounded so dramatic about it. I validated as best I could, I suffer with MH as well and anxiety so know the feeling but gawd if you could of heard the convo it was drama queen, dramatic, me, me me! "Everything's so hard" and then he put on this childish lil boys voice while speaking about it which really freaks me out.

With the benefit situation as well because it's for disability there cracking down on it now. I'm on the same thing but his like "ooh when they renew yours get all you can out of them" and I was like, in my head well I'm happy with the rate I'm on, I'm not disabled I have anxiety and stuff and sometimes feel unsafe etc... But I'm not psychically disabled. His like me anxiety and all but can still get out but again it's all drama queen.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I just wanted to put it out there and write it down so maybe I can make sense of it myself.

I just think he likes the way his lifestyle is in a way, getting all this money, sitting on his ass all day playing video games, drinking to when he passes out every night. Etc... It's sad really, feel sad for our lil girl, that's her dad and I can't do anything to help, I validate, offer advise but I'm talking to a brick wall. He's so stuck in his ways. All I can do is focus on me and her.

[Climbmountains91]

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[once removed]

hey climbmountains91 

i get what you mean. its a big trigger when someone tells me how to live, expects me to do things their way, is generally condescending about my way, etc. unsolicited advice is annoying. not very self aware coming from a person who feigns at responsibility, either.

i think youre right to keep your focus on you and your daughter. it is very sad; your daughter needs a strong model and it sounds like youre being that to her