Managing pwNPD traits better at work

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Background: In general, I have a reputation for dealing excellent with the difficult clients and loving it. My reputation helps generate me business where others don't want it.

However, now I have had my third encounter at work where a difficult client was pissed off with me.  I'd like to sort out what happened with you guys so that I can learn and grow from these experiences.  (And before business plummets)

So today it was a client who was frustrated with me regarding a deadline. 

My point is that the deadlines usually come with flexibility.  They are usually "windows" that act as a deadline vs a firm date. ( Ex: xyz is due the week of 11/8-11/13.)

I tried to explain and define deadlines as a window, the way they usually are.

I went on to agree to this client that I had made a mistake and had not shared a window before hand, but did mistakenly share a firm date.  I apologized for this mistake.  I also explained the variables that interfere, which I have little or no control over that affect the deadlines.

He was not pleased and said that I had "given him my word."  He agreed to "give me a second chance" if I "agree to not allow it to happen again."

I could not commit to doing business this way... .with firm deadlines... .as I cannot control the factors involved.  So I offered the compromise to make the firm day... .the last day of my window, that way he would have his materials on or BEFORE he wanted them. 

He was infuriated and began spouting all his experience with unrelated job titles as a coach and a business owner.  He wanted me to commit to apologizing and "fixing" and agree to always meet a deadline from now on.

I explained that I could not accommodate and would see if someone else could, and I walked away.

... .

So my thoughts... .

This is very unusual for me.  I must be changing my interactions with people.  I will have to think how as I have been ill and my memory is poor... .so I am not sure.  I feel like I may need the insight of a friend who has observed me to tell me how my interactions with others may have changed.

I do feel I am having better boundaries. It may be this as well.  I may be not tolerating some things I used to, however, now I need more skills to do so with more grace and tact.

I may just be less inhibited a bit... .as like I said... .I have felt ill.  Hard to tell tho... .as again... .I wish for an observing set of eyes on me with a good memory.

I do see a clear theme to all of these situations.  A person is trying to bully me... .I am willing to walk away if the bullying continues.  I believe in the past... .I sucked it up a bit... .and "took one for the team." 

I wonder if part of the problem was that I "called him out" on it.

I fully admitted my fault... .but also said "I am human, I cannot guarantee the parts that are beyond my control". I also said, "look, I want this to work, you are clearly still irritated with me, let me know what will work... .I'm willing to recommend my replacement, or whatever it is you can get your needs met with."

I feel I feed his anger... .unintentionally.  Most people seem to appreciate and let down their defenses when I admit I'm wrong, apologize, and acknowledge their anger at me... .this usually allows us to start over with a better rapport... .and them now comfortable to express freely with me.

I think I could have handled it better.

I need to learn to calm and not be reactive... .

I need to have an internal dialogue that says to my head... ."This is one of those situations." "Time to breathe, relax, and be objective... "

I need to maybe practice some catchy responses that I can spit out in reactive autopilot to buy me some time... .help me get some space.  Such as, "I need to give this some thought.  Let's talk about this... .xyz... .tomorrow."

Right now... .

I'm flooded with anxiety... .feeling guilty... .upset... .disappointed with myself... .and self conscious.

I will be ok after I redirect my thoughts to another task that will consume me.

However... .this is a reoccurring issue now... .and overall... .I want to learn to handle myself in a way I am more proud of and more effective.

TIA!

[Sunfl0wer]

Background: In general, I have a reputation for dealing excellent with the difficult clients and loving it. My reputation helps generate me business where others don't want it.

However, now I have had my third encounter at work where a difficult client was pissed off with me.  I'd like to sort out what happened with you guys so that I can learn and grow from these experiences.  (And before business plummets)

So today it was a client who was frustrated with me regarding a deadline. 

My point is that the deadlines usually come with flexibility.  They are usually "windows" that act as a deadline vs a firm date. ( Ex: xyz is due the week of 11/8-11/13.)

I tried to explain and define deadlines as a window, the way they usually are.

I went on to agree to this client that I had made a mistake and had not shared a window before hand, but did mistakenly share a firm date.  I apologized for this mistake.  I also explained the variables that interfere, which I have little or no control over that affect the deadlines.

He was not pleased and said that I had "given him my word."  He agreed to "give me a second chance" if I "agree to not allow it to happen again."

I could not commit to doing business this way... .with firm deadlines... .as I cannot control the factors involved.  So I offered the compromise to make the firm day... .the last day of my window, that way he would have his materials on or BEFORE he wanted them. 

He was infuriated and began spouting all his experience with unrelated job titles as a coach and a business owner.  He wanted me to commit to apologizing and "fixing" and agree to always meet a deadline from now on.

I explained that I could not accommodate and would see if someone else could, and I walked away.

... .

So my thoughts... .

This is very unusual for me.  I must be changing my interactions with people.  I will have to think how as I have been ill and my memory is poor... .so I am not sure.  I feel like I may need the insight of a friend who has observed me to tell me how my interactions with others may have changed.

I do feel I am having better boundaries. It may be this as well.  I may be not tolerating some things I used to, however, now I need more skills to do so with more grace and tact.

I may just be less inhibited a bit... .as like I said... .I have felt ill.  Hard to tell tho... .as again... .I wish for an observing set of eyes on me with a good memory.

I do see a clear theme to all of these situations.  A person is trying to bully me... .I am willing to walk away if the bullying continues.  I believe in the past... .I sucked it up a bit... .and "took one for the team." 

I wonder if part of the problem was that I "called him out" on it.

I fully admitted my fault... .but also said "I am human, I cannot guarantee the parts that are beyond my control". I also said, "look, I want this to work, you are clearly still irritated with me, let me know what will work... .I'm willing to recommend my replacement, or whatever it is you can get your needs met with."

I feel I feed his anger... .unintentionally.  Most people seem to appreciate and let down their defenses when I admit I'm wrong, apologize, and acknowledge their anger at me... .this usually allows us to start over with a better rapport... .and them now comfortable to express freely with me.

I think I could have handled it better.

I need to learn to calm and not be reactive... .

I need to have an internal dialogue that says to my head... ."This is one of those situations." "Time to breathe, relax, and be objective... "

I need to maybe practice some catchy responses that I can spit out in reactive autopilot to buy me some time... .help me get some space.  Such as, "I need to give this some thought.  Let's talk about this... .xyz... .tomorrow."

Right now... .

I'm flooded with anxiety... .feeling guilty... .upset... .disappointed with myself... .and self conscious.

I will be ok after I redirect my thoughts to another task that will consume me.

However... .this is a reoccurring issue now... .and overall... .I want to learn to handle myself in a way I am more proud of and more effective.

TIA!

[Grey Kitty]

In the case of that client, the initial apology and explanation sounds good to me.

Perhaps a better approach next would have been "So for you an agreed upon deadline is a firm commitment that absolutely will be met, right?" And when he vehemently agreed, I'd respond "Thank you for clearing that up. I will always give you firm deadlines that I will meet or exceed for future work."

... .Not tell him that the conclusion is you will give him the last day of the deadline and never tell him the soonest the work could possibly be done.

Perhaps you will not be able to meet his future deadlines, and won't get work from him. I think that is OK.

BTW... .remember the tool of not JADEing with somebody you are in a r/s with? It applies just as much at work. When you disappoint somebody, there *may* be room for a single quick explanation to clear up miscommunications. You may not even need/want to do that. If you do, cut off all the JADEing after that. An simple apology is better.



Be gentle with yourself--new territory for you, new skills you are working on. Of course it feels difficult and stressful! You will get better with practice.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for replying Grey Kitty,

I can see how rephrasing and validating the person could have helped.

I also see where I JADED.  However, I think where I get stuck putting these tools into action is that a "non" actually typically is softened by my approach.  Typically, if a deadline is not met, I explain why, 90% of the time the person can easily see how there are factors beyond my control involved.  I am usually extended sympathy, and they usually appreciate me taking the trouble to explain as it appears to demonstrate a willingness to extend myself... .be open... .and trust is typically restablished.

There actually was a very good reason I did not meet the deadline, there was an emergency... .and it was not my own emergency that interferred, but someone eleses.  Most "nons" would have clearly shown some compassion for my position being 100% unaviodable.

So I think my issue is that I need to quickly identify in my head:

1. This is not a typical empathetic response that maybe 90%+ of people would usually reply kindly towards me.

2. This person has an obstacle that I should not attempt to overcome.  (As it is likely not personal to me to be able to overcome it)

3. I need to find a better tool for this asap.

[C.Stein]

The client is always right.  If they are upset you do whatever it takes to appease them as long as it doesn't compromise your integrity.  

In this case listening to his complaints and agreeing with him is what needed to happen.  He had a valid complaint and while he could have handled it better, you just need to let that stuff roll off of you.

I know all to well the time window concept, but if the client needs a hard date then determine what your time window is and add a generous amount of leeway to that.  You can also add in a disclaimer that said service/product will be delivered on a given date providing no changes are made and/or unforeseen circumstances prevent you from meeting the deadline.  This is where giving yourself a generous time cushion to the delivery date comes in, and it makes you look good when you deliver well before that date.