Today's epiphany

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been struggling with depression since before high school, and recently I've been taking medication, going to individual and group therapy, as well as doing complementary medicine to deal with the effects of having my mother. I couldn't understand why she idealized me as a child, but then, when I grew up and got my own opinions, she started accusing me of hating her, of being a liar and a sociopath, of being an absolutely awful person. She was a single parent and I was the only kid at home, so every time she felt something she took it out on me. I've felt so alone. I thought it was my fault, that I wasn't good enough, that there was something wrong with me. After all, the person I was closest to my whole life thought so, right? For a long time, I thought I didn't even deserve to be happy. It still takes some convincing for me to think I am worthy, deserving of respect, and decent. She doesn't think so, after all.

I'm here today because I had my "aha" moment when in my Psych 101 class my professor started describing Borderline Personality Disorder. She talked about having a client that misunderstood her about a meeting time, and started getting in a rage, banging on the door, screaming, calling her a liar. I was sitting there going "oh s***, that's my mother." That exact same scenario has happened to me so many times I can't even count. I started googling BPD, and just reading the reviews on the Amazon books for kids of BPD parents made me feel so validated and less alone. I think if I can talk to people who have gone through the same process I am, it would really help me. So I'm really glad this exists.

[futurecatlady]

I've been struggling with depression since before high school, and recently I've been taking medication, going to individual and group therapy, as well as doing complementary medicine to deal with the effects of having my mother. I couldn't understand why she idealized me as a child, but then, when I grew up and got my own opinions, she started accusing me of hating her, of being a liar and a sociopath, of being an absolutely awful person. She was a single parent and I was the only kid at home, so every time she felt something she took it out on me. I've felt so alone. I thought it was my fault, that I wasn't good enough, that there was something wrong with me. After all, the person I was closest to my whole life thought so, right? For a long time, I thought I didn't even deserve to be happy. It still takes some convincing for me to think I am worthy, deserving of respect, and decent. She doesn't think so, after all.

I'm here today because I had my "aha" moment when in my Psych 101 class my professor started describing Borderline Personality Disorder. She talked about having a client that misunderstood her about a meeting time, and started getting in a rage, banging on the door, screaming, calling her a liar. I was sitting there going "oh s***, that's my mother." That exact same scenario has happened to me so many times I can't even count. I started googling BPD, and just reading the reviews on the Amazon books for kids of BPD parents made me feel so validated and less alone. I think if I can talk to people who have gone through the same process I am, it would really help me. So I'm really glad this exists.

[Suzn]

Hello futurecatlady  

That's a pretty significant aha moment.  Glad you found us!

Many members here will understand exactly what you've been through, you're not alone.    Feeling unworthy and not deserving of respect are definitely reasons depression can get a foothold. I wanted to share a link with you on depression and how to work towards getting a handle on it.

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Has your therapist ever mentioned your mother's behaviors having an effect on you? You are in the right place to learn more about BPD and it's effects on you and family members. And, how we work to make things better. Here are a few.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Problematic parenting

What does your relationship with your mother look like today?

[futurecatlady]

Hi Suzn, thanks for responding.

My therapy is, almost in its entirety, dissecting how my mother's behavior has had an effect on me. I think a lot of what was in the problematic parenting section really applied to me. Especially about the bits where she got incredibly worse as I grew up, got my own opinions, and went off to college. She sees it as an incredible betrayal (as in "you ruined my life" and "you might as well go to your *real* family" if I ever mention them) that I have relationships that are strong with other family members.

Right now, I'm sort of trying to navigate the line between having a relationship and not. I'm unsure as to whether it's better to stay away or to help her. She keeps calling me, sending me her bank statements (to show she needs financial help), asking when I'm coming home. Except I know that when I go home, I won't be able to go and do anything without her (like see my other family members, my friends, have any of my own ideas). And when I tell her I can't go home because of college, she sees it as a complete betrayal and claims I don't love her. It's really difficult to manage.

How do you decide what level of contact is okay for you?

[Suzn]

My therapy is, almost in its entirety, dissecting how my mother's behavior has had an effect on me.

Have you and your T (therapist) talked about boundaries and how to enforce them? It takes some practice however learning more about boundaries and what they are helps. Take a look, this really helped me... .

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I think a lot of what was in the problematic parenting section really applied to me. Especially about the bits where she got incredibly worse as I grew up, got my own opinions, and went off to college.

I just wanted to say here that it takes a lot of courage to take hold of your independence. This will serve you well throughout your life. Hold on to your courage. 

She sees it as an incredible betrayal (as in "you ruined my life" and "you might as well go to your *real* family" if I ever mention them) that I have relationships that are strong with other family members.

Yes, it seems to trigger an abandonment fear in a pwBPD when we want to share our time with others. Having strong relationships with other family members is healthy and recommended. You mention you grew up as an only child without your father being in the picture. Have other family members been there throughout your childhood? If so, how have they helped?

She keeps calling me, sending me her bank statements (to show she needs financial help), asking when I'm coming home.

Your mother's financial situation is hers. It's ok if you don't save her from natural consequences of not taking care of herself financially.

Except I know that when I go home, I won't be able to go and do anything without her (like see my other family members, my friends, have any of my own ideas). And when I tell her I can't go home because of college, she sees it as a complete betrayal and claims I don't love her. It's really difficult to manage.

This goes back to boundaries. It's difficult when we first start setting boundaries with our parents, it can feel awkward. It's ok to say no. It's ok to spend time with others. Would it be possible to stay in a hotel or with other family members when you visit? This could give you some breathing room if you need it.There are communication skills one needs to master in order to have a more successful relationship with a pwBPD. These skills can help you when you want to say no... .These skills work with anyone you find difficult, not just a person wBPD.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

There are others, these are just a few to get you started. There is a lot of information here on tools and skills, take your time. You are welcome to practice these skills here anytime.

How do you decide what level of contact is okay for you?

Choosing the amount of contact you want with your parent is a very personal choice. We will support whatever you choose to do. We each know our own personal comfort level. It may help to read more about BPD and about the skills taught here so that you are better prepared, there are more listed to the right of your screen. This decision is your call.