the evil twin

[anthony r]

I’m new to the boards, so I wanted to introduce myself and write a quick summary. I was with my girlfriend for a few years (there were red flags, of course) before I proposed and things started to plummet, quickly. After the wedding, everything went off the rails. I guess I stuck around as things began to take a dive because I thought it was the stress of wedding planning and her new job. My parents had invested so much money into the event, I felt stuck. The first time I saw her rage, she began to pace, shake all over and flail her arms. This became a template for other outbursts. She would spit topics and insults at me from between clenched teeth. She hyperventilated and threw things. She slapped her face and pulled her hair out. She threatened to drive her car into a pole. When she wasn’t flipping out, there were mood swings - days or weeks of silent treatment and cold shoulder, when I actually started to feel like I was drowning. I think it was worse than the rage. Other times, we would be hanging out like old times but these days became rare. After the wedding, I discovered BPD when I was sitting in parking lots in my car to avoid the anger and her unpredictable behaviors. She expressed a fear of abandonment, so I couldn’t understand why she would act with such hostility. She began to hate groups of friends, spitting venom at their names, while treating others like they were perfect, trying to mimic them. She dropped friends over trivialities. At one point, I thought she had a split personality because she would act like I was a ghost and then when her brother (our roommate) walked in the room, she would be over-the-top happy. She would be angry, friends would come over and her personality would instantly change. She told me quite often that she was taking my friends from me. There was gas lighting, changing expectations, frequent projection and everything was my fault. Nothing ever filled the void. We went to a few marriage counselors. She was supposed to be in individual counseling but told me at the end that she hadn’t been attending. Any conversation about our relationship or her anger would lead to even more anger. Eventually, I left one night, went no contact and filed for divorce. After several months of no contact, I recently ran into her at a local grocery store and she was excited to see me. She was beaming. She rapidly talked about what she had been up to and mentioned dating someone new. It was like the girl I dated stepped into a time machine. The evil twin that I married was gone. The conversation was odd. Has anyone experienced being with someone with BPD that goes back to a previous personality after the breakup? Someone told me it’s because I’m on the outside now. Can anyone relate to any of this summary?

[enlighten me]

I can totally relate. I have a son with my ex and she is all smiles and nice when I see her. I have to keep reminding myself that the other person is still there just not coming out to play.

[Wu-tang]

Hi and welcome to the boards!

I am still NC with my ex so I don't know how she'll be when we properly bump into each other - which is guaranteed to happen at some point.

But in terms of silent treatment and cold shouldering, yes x1000. My ex didn't act out, she was much more the quiet borderline (she told me she used to rage at her ex-fiancee but my temperament is such that I try not to shout and so she didn't). That said, her mood would flip in a second, usually over something completely banal. She'd go from being happy and chatty to quiet and non-talkative. When asked what was wrong with her this would usually lead her to become exasperated and say things like "Really?" or "I'm just relaxing, just because I'm quiet doesn't mean anything is wrong!".

At first I thought fair enough, it's odd but I'll let it slide but almost always she would turn out to be in a mood and would tell me when I tried to get on with things as normal. She would then want to cancel plans that evening for no good reason - what I now think was her attempt at punishing and manipulating.

With regards to changing personalities with other people, absolutely! This became more noticeable towards the end of the relationship but there were some early examples too. One time we went to her brother's and she was happy and talkative but as soon as we left she was cold and distant from me. Another time on holiday, she was in a mood with me and I felt I was walking on eggshells. The DJ came to speak to her and she dropped the moodiness and acted in a humorous manner. I pulled her up about it and she said "Sometimes you get fed up with speaking to the same person  it's nice to speak to different people" (I later found her in the bathroom messaging the DJ about going for a drink together).

Master manipulators with an answer for everything.