Mother Dying?

[calmbeforestorm]

It's been awhile since I have posted.  All has been relatively quiet until now... .

I have been NC for about 7 years with my UBPD mother and UBPD, Narc adoptive brother.  Of the two of them, she is the Waif and he is the Queen/Witch.  My brother surfaces every now then to bait me and my other sibling back.  He has tried everything over the years claiming  mother is dying, etc.  He was harassing me at one point so badly that I called the police and he was issued a warning to stop.  That lasted for about a year... .at the end of that year I got the "nicey-nice" Christmas card from him and Mom complete with "loves and kisses". 

Now... .this week he calls my other brother to say that Mom is dying.  He is saying she has weeks to live.  All of this came with a lot of ranting, swearing and overall rage.  He is demanding that we call Mom or come in person to the hospital.  She lives about 3-4 hours away.  My other brother is just recovering from two major surgeries that were done all at once and is in no shape to be traveling.  But beyond that, I don't feel it would be safe.  He was so volatile on the phone that is makes no sense to walk into that.  Plus, is it really the truth?  He has cried wolf before.

I have been in agony this weekend wondering if it is the truth and what I should do about it.  If she is really dying, should I make that call?  I know I have to make the decision myself.  I am just so torn.  On one hand, I know it wouldn't be enough... .it would come with some sort of condemnation... .On the other hand, he is so emeshed with her, he would see is as "we are family once again".  Any time I have tried to make contact with her, he replies.  He wants us back... .for no other reason to have someone to control and manipulate.

If it was a case of just seeing her alone without him, I would probably do it.  She is the lesser of the two evils.  But he is the gatekeeper and the POA and controls everything.  I am not sure I can even get information on her from the hospital.

I have already decided not to attend her funeral.  Not because I didn't love or care for her, but because it wouldn't be safe.  He would be lying in wait to publicly humiliate my other brother and I.  He has a history of verbally putting people "in their place".  He claims that our family that lives near him are all appalled by our behaviour and he has made sure everyone knows what "sh**-faces" we really are.

All this to say,... .has any one else had any experience with at UBPD parent dying that you have been NC with? 

[Kwamina]

Hi calmbeforestorm

You are in a difficult situation here. It's unfortunate that it is so hard for you to verify in another if you're mother is really sick or not.

Whether you decide to call or not, is indeed your decision to make as you say yourself. If you were to decide to call, I do encourage you to prepare yourself for the interactions with your brother (and mother). You have been NC for 7 years so you probably didn't have to really deal with them for quite some time now. I have selected some communication techniques that I think can help you better deal with your family-members if you were to contact them:

Express yourself: S.E.T. --> Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

How to stop circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E. = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Dealing with hostile communications - BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well not unfriendly), Firm

I hope this is of some help to you