woke up with a stranger

[brazbeliever]

Hi to all.

I wrote two threads here, one about the possibility of going on a work travel for a year and one about my gf cutting herself. In both threads I consider leaving, but only in a distance manner.

She is diagnosed with BPD for about 2 years now and I know that she has many symptoms of the list, but till this day I could swear she didn`t or wouldn`t cross the x on the cheating one. The joke is on me.

I always saw her so dependent on me, but that is not regarding sex right?  So tonight I slept at her house, as always in the weekends, and our dog is sick so I have to wake up early and give him the meds... .I thought I would go to sleep right after given him the med and set on the alarm for the next dose hour. My phone battery was dead, so I took hers... .when I unlocked it, it was on a conversation with a guy and another girl, and she was suggesting where to go... .I saw the date when they went out, the 3 of them, and it was on the day that I had to pick the dog on the clinic he was... .AND I PICKED HER UP RIGHT AFTER THE HOOK UP!

I feel sick... .I don't know what to think... .How can she do that? Call me and say that she just have to go to a pizza place with her friend, make me go on my own to pick up the dog, and then pick her up right after she cheated on me with 2 at once?

Even now, I`m considering not saying a thing cause I now this will escalate, and the blame would be on me. As always. And, even now, I know she needs my support for her final year at college. It is really stressing her up. And why can`t I just let her go? Why can`t I just stop being this caretaker, always putting her first, even when she does that to me? So many whys... .I don't know what I should do... .But I think that, thinking on me and on my sense of guilt, I don't want to say anything today, I don't want a big fight just to have her breaking down, and making more empty promises... .

Probably, if I confronted her she would cut herself again... .and the marks of the last one are still bad... .and today, and probably for the rest of this year, I can't deal with this, with any more blames... .

And I just bought us a trip to the new years holliday... .  Great!

I would think that when I found out if she was seeing someone other then me, I would take the guilt of my shoulders and that would be a deal breaker... .I would leave and just pick up my little pieces... .but no... .I`m willing to stay for more... .I really don't understand... .did anyone make the same choice? Again and again thinking about her pain and trying to cope with your own willingly deciding to stay for a little longer? If this did`t make me go, what would? Hating myself right now... .

Sorry for the tone I put up in these words... .I`m really lost now (more than ever, actually) and sad... .It`s a sad disease... .Actually, I don't know now whats the saddest, BPD or codepency... .  :'( Thanks for reading... .any thoughts are welcomed.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi brazbeliever,

I am so sorry. Seeing something like that on a text message would make most people feel lost and upset.    Infidelity breaks trust in a relationship. It would leave me wondering how someone could break that trust or do that to me. You have a right to be hurt and upset. You mentioned that cheating is a deal breaker. Is this something that you would be able to forgive?

It is hard to let go of the caretaking at times. Caretaking becomes almost instinctual and especially putting another person's needs before your own. You are important too and should treat yourself in the same way as you treat others. I know it's easy to say than do, but I think it is good to tell yourself that sometimes. As much as you care about her, your wants, needs, values, and beliefs are important. Putting yourself first is not selfish and nor should you feel guilty about it. 

As you know with BPD, many times a pwBPD will project and blame another person in their life. You are not a cause of her behavior or thoughts. If she self-harms that is not your fault either. You cannot change her thoughts or behaviors no matter how hard you try.

Thinking about your wants and needs, would you feel okay leaving her?

   

[Aussie0zborn]

If she gets away with this - whether you tell her or not - her abuse of you will only get worse. This what they prey on.

Try and find out what's wrong with you and then take the steps necessary to give up this caretaker role that you so gallantly play.

We know what's wrong with her, but what's wrong with YOU? Why would you put up with this  abuse? Her problems are not your fault but your problems are of your own making. Wake up to yourself - run fast and seek help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Braz, Most people who stay under these circumstances have low self esteem and think they deserve to be treated poorly by the pwBPD.  Also, they seek their self worth and value from others, rather than from within.  Maybe you fit in this category?  Learning to love oneself and source one's value from within are key concepts, in my view.

LuckyJim

[babyducks]

hi braz,

how are you doing today?   

I like what EaglesJuJu said.  You are not the cause of her self harm.   You are not responsible for her decisions.   You are not responsible for her.

What would the first step look like for a happier and healthier brazbeliever?   What tiny step can you take today to work towards something that would be better for you.   You can figure out what better is along the way.   Sometimes the hardest thing to do is over come inertia.

Finding your way out of the FOG is not like switching a light switch and suddenly  .    It's more like a very slow lifting of the FOG.   

Hang in there, don't give up on you.   

'ducks

[formflier]

 

I want to echo what others have said... .focus on you.

I think it wise to keep this to yourself until you sort through your feelings.

Think about what you want out of life... .out of a r/s.  Then compare that to what you can control... .what is inside your boundaries.  

I believe that will help you make decisions about what you control... .and let go of what you don't control.

 

FF

[ForeverDad]

Even now, I'm considering not saying a thing cause I now this will escalate, and the blame would be on me. As always.

You're probably right, she would just twist it around on you and make it seem All Your Fault.  Maybe that you looked at her phone.  Maybe that you're not doing enough for her.  Maybe that you're smothering her.  Maybe whatever.

And, even now, I know she needs my support for her final year at college.

So she may play the Poor Little Me How Can You Do This To Me Now card?  Review what you wrote, "she needs my support... ."  Needs?  Or is she Using it?  Frankly, she's an adult.  And clearly making her own adult choices.  It's not mean to let her figure out her future.  She may stand or fall, but her using you as a financial crutch and whatever else now isn't any better.  Frankly, too, you probably can't change her for the better.  A frequent refrain here is "You can't change the other, you can only change yourself."

Think too of the intimacy risks, she may very well be exposing herself to a variety of infectious diseases.  Can you risk being exposed to them too?

I agree with the others, take a good look at yourself.  Something needs to change and it's going to have to be you.  In addition to peer support, Counseling can help too.

[brazbeliever]

Hi again.

Thanks to all. really good insights.

So, I`ve decided to calm myself down... .And when I was just calm enough, I talked to her. I could put thinks really calmly. At first she pulled all the cards she could, the poor girl misunderstood, the needy girl, the "it's your fault, you're smothering me" and so on. I remained calm, though really angry, and sad... .And I put it in a way that she could understand. She understood her action, but so cold at first, like "yeah, ok, I did it, and that's ok". As day went on, she let her guard down, and (I think) she understood the gravity of the situation, and told me that would accept anything I wanted to do.

So, here I am... .trying to get out of the fog... .I said that I don`t know if I can deal with this, if I can forgive and stay... .I didn`t leave yet, but the only thing I`m sure about is that I`m the one needing help right now. And this feels like classic projection... .I awkwardly need to be needed and thus need her more than she needs me. Though I didn`t leave, I asked for a break... .but, honestly, I`m the one that feels relieved when she talk through this. I don`t know if I right, but I`ve been feeling so many things at the same time that I just need to ask her something about what happened and I asked her to delete the numbers, and conversations. I don't know if I should just take a time out with no contact.

I`ve reached some friends out... .Going out with them... .I`ve decided that I`ll go to see a therapist or a group of codependents and even if I stay, I`ve already told her that won't be the same, I won't be so in hand and that I need to figure out who I am out of this, seeing less of her.

I`ve always been insecure about myself, but not at this level. I think that living so long in this mess (that I know I let myself in) ruined my sense of me, and what I was like when this didn`t exist.

Picking up the pieces and moving on, focusing on me now. I`ll try to understand me... .and I`m willing to take the steps into a better me, and find out how to put myself first, if I stay or go. I`ve already changed the way I see this r/s, don't know yet where I want to go other than healing... .

Thanks again!

[Lucky Jim]

Suggest you decide what you want to do rather than take the codependent approach by trying to figure out what she wants to do.  You call the shots for your own life, not her.  LJ

[ForeverDad]

It's not just that you should put yourself first, Narcissists and other acting-out disordered people know how to do that very well.   I phrase it this way, "It's okay to make sacrifices in life but not good to sacrifice yourself."  What is happening to you is that you've sacrificed or lost some of who you were.  You keep expecting a normal, consistent, trusting relationship.  Yet repeatedly it has had abnormal, inconsistent and trust-busting incidents.  After the first few instances, seeing a pattern, you should have had your boundaries for proper behavior wake up and kick in.

So can you see that you need to find and improve your boundaries?  ( Everyone needs appropriate boundaries and yes they can get bumped now and then, after all we're all imperfect, but they are so crucial with a boundary-bashing pwBPD. :'( )

Henry Cloud wrote Boundaries, get a copy and learn why we need boundaries and how to make them better and stronger.

There is an assortment of excellent threads on the Articles and Books boards.

[brazbeliever]

Hi again.

I feel awful today... .It`s been 3 days since what happened... .2 of total chaos, and today I woke up justa sad... maybe it`s a kind of moving... .I haven't talked to her for 24 hours now, which is the most time we`ve been no contact in 5 whole years.

I want to contact her... .don't know why exactly... .my friends are now supporting me and I heard some really hard things from them, but I had to... .they all want me to move on, let this behind and take this universe opportunity... .But whats wrong with me? I know this is not what I need in a r/s, and yes, I got kind of afraid of any disease or even a pregnancy along the way (of hers). But I miss her, the beginning of our r/s was magical (I guess they can do that right?). Am I trying to hold on to that memory and not let go and see what we have become? My friends and family won't support me going back. I`m addicted right? Addicted to the chaos, addicted to the recycling, addicted to her.

I didnt contact her, and she didn't either. Should I stay strong and maintain NC? When did I lose myself and become this person needy of her lack of stable emotions to know what I`m feeling? She did this to me, after I`ve dedicated 5 years of my life, nursing, caring and loving her... .Is it never enough for them? And what she did, is it never enough for me?

Sorry again for my sadness tone. Going little crazy in here... . 

[ForeverDad]

There is no simple answer as to why or what.  She has a personality disorder.  The normal traits which everyone has to a greater or lesser extent are extreme and unbalanced for some of those traits.  A little bit, anyone should be able to handle, everyone has 'issues', right?  However, hers are to an extreme extent to the point that the relationship is Dysfunctional, Erratic, Unbalanced and Unhealthy.  Fact.

If she would get into therapy and seriously and diligently apply it in her thinking and life, then she would improve over time, she would be on a loan road toward recovery.  Potential fix.

But in 5 years you've seen that she hasn't really improved.  The ups and downs are a pattern for her.  Therapy or meds for her are a crutch but she hasn't let them reach inside and guide her to resolve her issues.  In some ways you're a crutch for her too.  But you're getting emotionally banged up, a sad looking crutch.  Reality.

Moving on, as your friends encourage, is not simple.  I hope they're there for you  Other support is peer support here as well as finding a counselor for yourself.  It is a tough process, just as for her it would be a process to recover, if she chose to do that.  Accept that she evidently won't ever change.  Maybe she will some day but you can't entrust your future to a slim sliver of faint hope.  Gift yourself a proper measure of Love and Respect for yourself.  It will take time to "Let Go" and "Move On".  But you do yourself no favors by taking half-steps and circling back for more risks, frustrations and disappointments.  What has to happen.

[brazbeliever]

Thanks ForeverDad.

I just called a Counselor. I`ll start counseling next week. But it seems such a long time from now.

She is in therapy for a year now, I can see improvements, but sadly what I see is she going better but growing apart... .maybe we both need at least a time apart... .To find ourselves again, she recovering her BPD and me, my own lots of issues, hurting, pain and lost of sense of self. Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe I`ll look up at this moment and see how good it was. But this is too far for me to handle.

The support here is really helping... .I would never see myself and seek help for me if it wasn't for this forum. I was so blind, putting all our problems on her behavior... .But I`m starting to see that I have a big role in that, a big one that let myself in so deep that is hard do crawl back up.

Just another 24 hours, right?