introduction

[ja.pani.ka]

Hi everybody,

I'm a woman of 47, and for 7 months now I have been in a relationship with a man who is 42 and has BPD.

My mother also had BPD, which I wasn't aware of until she was old and had Alzheimer's on top of that. It was a very traumatic relationship.

As usually in romantic relationships with BPD guys, with my current partner the beginning was great, I was adored by him, was happy like never before, felt a special connection, had wonderful sex etc. Later on we had several crises which we survived. He is never violent even if he gets angry, he has been practicing Buddhism for several years and has quite a good self-control in this area. After the last crisis which was very painful for the two of us he agreed to begin therapy. He's been seeing a DBT practitioner since.

Now, I want to continue this relationship because it's very valuable to me in many areas. He is very mindful, tender, caring, funny, full of ideas, idealistic in the best sense of the word etc. We learn from each other, can be honest, respect each other's point of view. Of course, this is when things work.

My biggest problem though is his biased view of me. It goes all the way from angel to b___, rarely focusing on the real woman I am. At moments everything is ok, but quite often after minor incidents he says I don't want to co-operate, am leaning on him, am manipulative, lazy, etc.; he basically sees me as very mean person. It's even true for our sexual life, cause he sees me either as very attractive or completely unattractive, ugly, old, smelly and whatever. In fact I'm rather good looking It's been a bit better in the last few weeks, after the last crisis, at least he became aware of the fact, that it's his way of seeing me, not who I really am. It's also the same with other people his ex, his kids, etc.

I'm in therapy, yet I have a feeling I need to be in a support group too, because at moments I feel very confused, I know I'm in a no-win position no matter what I do or say, and also as an almost 50-year old woman I feel rather vulnerable around my looks etc. and when he's in this "you're no good" mode I feel very very bad. I have some hopes as far as the therapy is concerned but it may take a long time and in the meantime I don't want to go mad But I want to cherish this relationship as it is very meaningful to me.

So this is my story.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi ja.pani.ka



being on the receiving end of verbal venom, or verbal abuse is difficult for all of us.   even when you understand intellectually that's it's a reflection of their distorted reality it's hard to stand up under the onslaught.

this is a great support group.   feel free to dive in and join in the discussions.   take a look at the lessons that run down the right hand side of the screen.   

can I ask?  when he is unloading on your verbally what do you say in response?   how do you react?

'ducks

[ja.pani.ka]

Well, that's the hard bit. As I had a very bad experience in communicating with my mom, and we had many fights, I sometimes respond automatically and am trying to defend myself. But I'm really working hard on not doing that and either waiting for the emotions to go (although this is very difficult, as he pushes me to take a stand. If I say nothing it's a "you don't even want to solve it, you're not ready to work on this", when I say something it's "I don't want to talk about it, just give it some thought; what are you talking about?" etc.) or trying to validate whatever I can honestly validate. Recently we had a conversation where I said I understand he is suspicious towards people after all the abuse he experienced from his family, that I have a feeling it's like a bit mirror in Kai's eye from Snow Queen, yet I stated I feel hurt by this. He was very cross at first ("you always blame me!", but later he came and told me he has to do something to remove that bit from his eye, because I've always been kind and loving and yet he can't stop seeing me as a bad person. So sometimes I can make it, but still too often I take it too personally and I panic and then we have the domino effect. What I really need is some behavioral skills to cope with that.

[babyducks]

it is hard to develop successful patterns of communications with our partners.   the topics tend to move and a lot of negative tends to get directed our way.

you mentioned behavioral skills... .have you seen Lesson 3 yet?   this is from there.   I use SET a lot.   and have tweaked it a little

S.E.T.- Jerold J. Kreisman, MD published SET (support, empathy, truth) in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me in 1991. 

When first learning S.E.T., it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. It does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.

S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."  It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.

Truth

T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"

I tweaked it a little because my partner responds a better to You statements of support.   You seem frustrated... .  You look like you could use a little help there would you like me to... .   

SET has been very helpful in my relationship because in the truth part I feel like I get to say my piece.   What would work for me here is... .    How this feels to me is... .

like you defending myself never works, just creates a bigger argument.

'ducks