Relationship with nephew NC mad BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD sister I believe has told her son not to talk to with me or look at me because when I see him he will not acknowledge me. I'm a Christian and see him at church acting this way hurts. My sister and I are generally NC since 10/17, after a big blow up. She did come by my work one day last week and act like nothing EVER happened  . Talked to me for 15 minutes, then left. Yesterday I saw her at a gathering and I started to talk but she answered very sternly and flippantly and brushed me off. I gave up and walked away. I'm more upset at my nephews coldness, he's too young to be doing things like that. I wonder if he is going to be developing BPD as well?  He has learned to tell lies - stories that fit all to well with a situation he's saw or been in. What's that called? Anything?  I pray he doesn't get like her.

[Peacekpr3332]

My uBPD sister I believe has told her son not to talk to with me or look at me because when I see him he will not acknowledge me. I'm a Christian and see him at church acting this way hurts. My sister and I are generally NC since 10/17, after a big blow up. She did come by my work one day last week and act like nothing EVER happened  . Talked to me for 15 minutes, then left. Yesterday I saw her at a gathering and I started to talk but she answered very sternly and flippantly and brushed me off. I gave up and walked away. I'm more upset at my nephews coldness, he's too young to be doing things like that. I wonder if he is going to be developing BPD as well?  He has learned to tell lies - stories that fit all to well with a situation he's saw or been in. What's that called? Anything?  I pray he doesn't get like her.

[Turkish]

That's sad and hurtful on a number of levels. How old is your nephew? Poor guy doesn't know any better. It's even harder, too, in a church community where stories may turn to gossip.

[Panda39]

Peacekpr3332,

It is awful when someone uses a child as a weapon.  Many of us on the co-parenting board experience parental alienation encouraged by the BPD parent.  This sounds similar (hopefully something more temporary).  Keep in mind that he is a child and is doing what he must to keep is mom happy and hopefully make his life easier. He must show solidarity with his mom or he will suffer for it.  It's sick yes, but it is what he knows, what he has learned from his disordered mom.

His mom may continue to block your relationship as long as it works for her but do try to keep the lines of communication open to your nephew.  He needs you even if he doesn't realize it or can't express it.

Is your nephew's dad in the picture at all? Is your nephew getting any therapy?

Will your nephew develop BPD? No one here can answer that but the more mentally/emotionally healthy people he has in his life the better.  There are many children of BPD parents on this site that have not developed BPD and many of those folks have spoken about others outside of their immediate families that have shown them love, helped them, and let them be themselves.  Try to be one of those people as much as you are able it can make a difference.

Panda39

[Peacekpr3332]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and advice.  My nephew is 17 years old.  He stays alot to himself during the week after school. On sundays he used to go with us all out to play sports or something.  He still spends time with some of the other youth on Sundays. I was avoiding being around him thinking it made him uncomfortable and might have to answer to his mom everything that happens if I'm involved, but someone here says stay in his life as much as possible even though he ignores me.  I'll do that now that I understand he needs stability.

His father only sees him occasionally and drinks a lot on weekends and watches 'bad movies' from what I hear... .it is all so sad.

My uBPD sister has even alienated my other sister.

I think the more I learn on this website and the support I get on this message board helps tremendously.  My guilt level has gone 'way down'.

Thanks so much to everyone.

[Sarah girl]

Hello Peacekeeper332 

This is indeed an unfortunate situation and I am so sorry you're going through this. When I was a child, my BPD mom instructed me and my brother not to speak to any of my relatives from my dad's side of the family because, according to her, they were all evil and malicious. I remember one time, I came face-to-face with my aunt at church and just turned around and walked away. I thought nothing of it. I was genuinely angry at her for what my mom had told me my aunt had done. However, I did hear later on that my aunt had left the church in tears that day. She stopped attending church for a while.

If it helps at all, I can tell you that if I could do it over again, I would make it right. I would talk to my aunt and would have a relationship with her. Now that I'm all grown-up (or trying to be), I resent the wedges that my mom drove between my relatives and myself. I wish I hadn't believed her. I feel like I've missed out on so much because she couldn't handle the idea of her children loving anyone other than her.

I don't know how your nephew will turn out. I do know that he probably feels incredibly torn and one day he might just reach his limit and see things beyond his mother's perspective. All I know is that today, I deeply regret having listened to my mom and wish that I could have enjoyed my relatives during my childhood years. Instead, I was raised isolated and afraid of my own shadow. I hope for his sake, that your nephew breaks free from his mom's FOG.