Went no-contact and feel guilty.

[losingconfidence]

My mom is diagnosed with BPD and my father is... .not, but whatever's up with him isn't really good either. Growing up, there were times when I felt like the most loved child in the entire world (at least by my mother). She celebrated my talents, encouraged me to be strong, and so forth. I loved this version of her. There were also times when I felt like the most hated, wretched thing that ever lived. I'd be told I needed special ed (even though I was actually Gifted), told I was incredibly annoying, etc. I had more toys than most kids in the neighborhood (including kids whose parents had a lot more money than my parents), and my birthday parties were always huge. Other kids were jealous of me.

There was a lot of stuff in my childhood that I just didn't deal with growing up. My parents let other people access me and abuse me when I was a child, and some of these people grew so obsessed that they continued to mess with me into my adult life. Sometimes I didn't even know about it because these people took advantage of dissociative issues or used drugs to keep me unaware of what was going on until someone else noticed bruises. There was a whole organization they were a part of that did things like this.

I remember telling my mother that a woman she left me with orally r*ped me. I told my mother that I was going to talk to the school guidance counselor about it, and my mother told me that I shouldn't talk to anyone about it (including God) as long as I lived and that I'd go to hell if anyone found out. This kind of thing happened frequently. My mom sometimes even lied to police to protect the people she let abuse me.

My dad was another story. Growing up, I had a lot of vivid nightmares about him r*ping me, and I'm not sure if they were nightmares or something more than that. When I was seven years old, he bought an "adult" video game for us to play together. It was a game that was so inappropriate for kids that it wasn't sold without an ID. I remember there was a part in the game where my dad actually instructed the character (via the little dialog box that popped up) to take off his clothes and have sex with a prostitute. I didn't understand what was happening. This kept going until I told someone about it, and as soon as I did, he randomly muttered that he had *just realized* the game was inappropriate for me and that we weren't going to play it anymore. It was bull because the game had an intro message that said "this game is not for kids" and made the player prove they were an adult by answering questions kids wouldn't know the answers to.

When I was a teenager, my uncle pressed charges against my dad, saying that my dad molested him. My uncle was really scared that my dad was doing the same to me, and his lawyer tried to make an appointment to interview me about my home life. My parents told me my uncle was an insane drug addicted psychopath who wanted to hurt me and told me to refuse any interviews. I later found out that my uncle was actually clean and sober when he asked for the interview. Even if my uncle was stark raving mad, why would my parents be afraid of the interview if they had nothing to hide?

Later in adolescence, I came out as gay. My mom panicked, which shocked me because she had a lot of lesbian friends while I was growing up (some of whom molested me). It was all about how it would reflect on her. What if people thought my dad abused me? What if people thought I was molested and that she allowed it? Oddly specific worries, right? My relationship with my parents got really soured and then when I was 19 and in college, I met someone who put a name to what I was experiencing from my mother: borderline personality disorder.

I was foolish. I thought that my mom would be happy if I told her "there's a name for what you have, and it's treatable!" Nope. Both my parents were angered by the suggestion and told me I was the only person in the family who needed therapy or help. My mother actually admitted that she had BPD but said that all her issues were healed/dealt with, so she didn't need therapy, but I clearly did if I took issue with her behavior.

Into my adult life, I was dodging accesses from the adults my parents lent me out to as a child. They'd find ways to creep into my life, and then I wouldn't really remember whatever happened after it happened (or I wouldn't recover my memory of it until it was too late, and I never knew enough details for police).

Even with all that going on, I managed to find a decent job where I was getting 100% scores on all my employee reviews. Even though I had a BA, I started taking art classes at the local community college and became really passionate. I decided to pursue a BFA, and my parents were thrilled to death. While this was going on, I talked to a therapist who basically told me that nothing in my life (the job, my school, etc.) mattered more than my safety and that I sounded like I wasn't in a safe environment. She suggested putting some physical distance between myself and all these psycho people my parents were associated with. Unfortunately that therapist was also kind of... .not a good fit in other ways and cost too much to see, but I eventually took her advice.

Around July of 2014, I moved. I sent a no-contact letter telling them that I believed they were good people deep down but that I couldn't just be a sitting duck for whatever psycho r*pist they felt like handing my address to. I told them that I'd consider limited contact someday if they could acknowledge all the ___ they enabled. To me, that seemed way more generous and fair than they actually deserved, particularly since I had tried to bring up the subject before, many times. All I got back was a response telling me to give back some stuff they claimed they had given me as a gift. I had someone else return their stuff so I wouldn't have to see them again.

Moving meant leaving my school and job behind. For a while, I was kind of a shut-in, working online and never going out. Now, I'm slowly transitioning to some work outside the home, but it isn't work I enjoy. Part of me really wants to go back to art school, but I keep being overwhelmed with sadness and guilt over my family.

How do you cope with missing people like them? When I tell people "I miss my parents," they think I'm crazy because all they can see is that these two molested me/were sexually inappropriate with me/handed me to various r*pists/put me through homophobic hell/etc. The way I miss them feels more like what people with exes go through. I didn't want to leave, but I felt like I had no other choice between their up and down thing of treating me like gold one day and trash the next and their likely involvement with the ongoing abuse from actual cult members. Yeah.

They're bad people, sure, but they also did a lot for me at times. There was a "good side" to them that I miss even though I know it isn't real. I hate that in the end they let their illnesses/issues/hangups/etc. win and didn't even try to fight for our family.

I'm posting on here because my latest attempt at therapy really wasn't a go, and I just need some support from peers/people who have been through what I'm going through right now.

[tenacity]

   I am very sorry for all that you went through with your family. That is so much to have to go through and put up with. Going no contact makes PERFECT sense and was a VERY wise move on so many levels. I am glad you were able to get away and get to a safe place. You more than gave them options to try and make some type of amends or at least own up to the terrible things they did and let happen to you.

As far as feeling guilty. Unfortunately I think that is pretty common. A lot of it probably has to do with our programming and then like you have mentioned... .remembering better times. What really helped me with all of it was to journal like crazy... .so I had all the good and bad in black and white in front of me. It got easier for me to see a more balanced view of everything. AND no matter how good the things could be it does not erase the terrible things they have done... .the inappropriateness of it and the fact that it was illegal... .sometimes I think what we miss is the illusion... .what we wanted to have with them or what we thought at times that we had with them. They are after all our parents. It is a tough one. My parents walked out of my life a little over four years ago after I had cancer... .just up and left... .and were pretty rotten to me in so many ways during and after my getting sick too... .and yet, all this time later I can find myself missing them... .so I have to just sit and ask myself what is it that I miss... .and it was more what I "thought" I had when things were good, than the reality. The missing does get easier with time. I am not sure if it ever goes away... .there seems to be so many layers to all of this.   Sadly they are able to just let us go which to us is so incredibly hard to understand... .but it shows us their character in big bold letters and we really are better off without them. Wish there was more I could say. I hope this helps in some small way. 

[HappyChappy]

I’m so sorry you have to endure all that, you should be very proud of the fact you have survived it so well. It saddens me to say others on this website will also have experienced similar.

First thing I would say is that the advice from your Therapist sounds right. Well done on going NC, it’s an important big step to take. I had to do something similar and I would just say make sure no mutual friends know your address. You should control any contact, always do it on your terms. People with a PD tend to continually seek out narcisstic supply, so they will find it elsewhere and then this will hopeful take some heat off you.

I would also encourage you to try and make friends and contacts that aren’t connected to your abusers (or have their loyalties firmly in your camp). They will give you perspective, meaning your mother tried to make you feel stupid and yet the outside world tells you you’re a genius. My BPD did exactly the same to me, so we need to listen to the outside world for perspective. Just reading your piece, you are clearly intelligent and articulate. Also use this website for validation. I remember posting how my BPD spat in my face all the time, for no apparent reason, and being amazed that half a dozen others had “spitters” to deal with.

As for the redeeming features of someone with BPD, they all have redeeming features. Hitler, Starling and many mass murderes were very charismatic, and the devil is considered charismatic.The fact you feel guilty for doing the right thing, suggests you are understandably gripped by F.O.G. (Fear obligation and guilt). I was. But we have no obligation to a mother that does not act like a mother. Blood is irrelevant, I was saved by my none blood friends and abused by blood. I hope in time you will realise you should not feel any guilt for going NC. You have been given no other option. You parents obliterated the family code with their actions, they have broken laws as old as time itself. They have zero rights to complain. I my view you are the heroin in this story, they are the ones that should feel guilt, but they can’t. All they can do is project that guilt back on you.

You mentioned an interest in art – I found painting very calming. I would recommend getting back into some sort of art, for therapy if nothing else. You also write well. But do tell us how we can help. We genuinely want to help. I look forward to read more of what you feel comfortable sharing.