I need a reality check

[ladyknight1530]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on a message board. Lately I've been feeling lost and I feel I need to search for understanding from others who may be experiencing the same things.

I live alone with my sister, who suffers from BPD. We're both still in college. I know she's under a lot of stress from school so I try my best to help her out by cooking/cleaning. I feel like I'm doing the right thing, but then I am taken aback when she says I'm inconsiderate and make her feel unwelcome when I do something silly, like eat the last pancake. Leaving me to think, "How could I have been so stupid and clumsy to not realize that this would set her off?" Lately, she has been encouraging me to form a new relationship with this guy I recently met. I've only seen him a handful of times, and I thought she would be happy that I was listening to her. But she has been acting bitter because I haven't invited her to come along when he would ask me to go out. She was even upset when I went out with him and she was in another city! My sister has a boyfriend and friends she sees without me. But if I spend time with my friends she resents me for it. And for the record, I do invite her places. But then I'll get a lecture on how busy she is and she'll make me feel bad or stupid for not knowing all the things she has to do. I feel like I'm supposed to have her schedule memorized by heart.

Is it wrong to have my own life? Am I being selfish when I know BPD makes her feel abandoned? I admit that, with the way she makes me feel, sometimes I don't want to be around her. I want to be free to act the way I want without being afraid of upsetting her with my normal behavior. I try talking to my parents about it, but they make me feel like it's the same song and dance. They know she needs to find help, but they live on the other side of the country so it's easy for everyone to brush it off, leaving me in this toxic environment.

[GreenGlit]

Hi ladyknight,

Welcome to the forum! 

I also have a sister who suffers from BPD (undiagnosed), or otherwise some other personality disorder that has very similar characteristics.

I will share with you a tidbit of knowledge I wish I had in college concerning my sister:

No, it's not wrong to have your own life. No, you are not being selfish to want to pursue your own hobbies and friends independently of your sister, even if it makes her feel abandoned. This is the hard line all family members walk with loved ones who suffer from this personality disorder. If we do what makes us happy and live independent lives, we feel that we are "abandoning" our loved ones who suffer from this debilitating disorder. If we sacrifice ourselves and dedicate ourselves to them, we lose our independence and happiness, and truthfully at the end of the day still manage to trigger them in some way.

You shouldn't feel bad about eating the last pancake (especially if you cooked it), or going out when your sister is in another city, or for God's sake, going out on a date with a new boy on your own. I think the comment about the date really exemplifies her twisted perspective - a boy asks YOU out on a DATE, and SHE is upset she wasn't invited. It's your right to have your own life and set your boundaries. She may get upset by it, but reassurance and being firm can be very helpful. Maybe try saying something like, "I'm sorry, sis, I can't take you on this date because he wants to get to know me. Maybe if things continue to go well, I'd love to invite him over to hang out. I'll be back in a few hours. Love you!"

Have your parents tried to help your sister by getting her into therapy? Maybe bringing up again and explaining how it's affecting you will inspire them to get her some help.

Good luck

[ladyknight1530]

Thanks so much GreenGlit for your advice! That's a very good response. I hope I can think of something like that to say when I'm in that type of situation. Most of the time when she targets her anger at me I can't think of anything to say. I just freeze up and figure it's best not to say anything because she won't hear reason. I do need practice with setting and enforcing my boundaries.

I've been putting pressure on my parents to get her help for a year now. They found counselors for her to see, but she is very resistant to it because of school. She'll tell them she doesn't have any time at all and she's under too much pressure to fit it into her schedule. So it's been a year and she hasn't seen anyone. Maybe when we both go home for Thanksgiving this week, my parents will be reminded of how serious this is.

[GreenGlit]

I hope your Thanksgiving turns out peaceful with the family.

Setting boundaries is a really important part of a relationship with a person with BPD. There's a lot of advice on this forum about boundaries. I'll paraphrase what my therapist told me:

A person with BPD doesn't see the world the way "regular" people see it. These people are terrified of abandonment and focus most of their attention on finding behaviors that indicate potential abandonment from the people closest to them. For that reason, everyday activities can be taken as a slight to people like your sister. For example, going on a date. Most people think "She's going on a date with a guy alone. I can't come because that defeats the purpose of a date." But your sister thinks, subconsciously, more like "My sister is going to have fun with a guy, and he didn't invite me. Maybe my sister didn't want me to come. My sister doesn't like me enough to want me to join her. I am afraid of being alone and I am angry at her for abandoning me because she must know how much it hurts, and she must be doing this to hurt me." Her response is to get angry. This is the typical "go away, come closer" dynamic of BPD individuals. Giving in to her tantrums and demands only validates her behavior and encourages it. But being firm, and being very clear about your boundaries, can set up predictable outcomes that your sister can learn. If this time you say, "I love you, I'm going out and will see you by 11," then it will be hopefully less surprising to her next time. In any event, it gives you more control over your own life and doesn't make you feel so much like a plastic bag wafting in the unpredictable breeze.

I'm certainly no expert. I struggle with boundaries with my uBPD mother and uBPD sister all the time. It's a process. I found the book "Walking on Eggshells" to be an amazing guide - I recommend you pick it up if you haven't yet!

[ladyknight1530]

Thanks GreenGlit, I hope it's peaceful too. You're insight is so helpful. Instead of taking what she says personally I've been noticing this "go away, come closer" behavior more. Recognizing other behavior types will help me disconnect from it. Another reason why me seeing this guy bothers her is she thinks he doesn't like her. I've told her I've only seen him a few times so he's just trying to get to know me. I know in time he'll like you too. So it's difficult to see her automatically think someone doesn't like her when they don't acknowledge her right away. If someone looks at her wrong or "stares" at her she'll think they're terrible people and they hate her. I find comforting her to be the hardest because it seems she actually wants to believe people hate her. And when we tell her that's not true she says we don't understand.

How do you comfort your uBPD family members? By the way, I do have the walking on eggshells book and it is great. I think I have to re-read it. There's so much to remember!