Trying to move on from a BPD relationship

[NYC395]

I was broken-up with 2 weeks ago by someone with BPD. I gave and gave and was constantly there for this person. I was always running to their side when they needed help, always providing support and care, yet in the end was told it was all my fault and that I am a terrible toxic person. The name calling, humiliation, and embarrassment in public and in front my of family was horrible. I am devastated that this person could walk away from me and not see all the love and care I have for them and have given to them. I would have stayed and tried to keep the relationship in tact and tried to help but apparently we were not on the same page. I am trying to pick up the pieces, and know that I wasn't perfect in the end either. Any advice on how to help heal and move on from this would be great. I still wish he would call me, we haven't had any  contact since he ended it.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry you're hurting, NYC395, trying to make sense of this. Many of us here have been split black like this so suddenly, no matter what we do. How long was your relationship, and what led up to this?

Turkish

[NYC395]

We were dating for 2.8 years. He quit his job in May to study full time for business school and apply. I am working full time and going graduate school at night. He was also on bipolar medications that his new therapist took him off of 2 weeks before he broke up with me. We had been fighting a lot for a few months. He said I didn't treat him poorly and blamed every single one of his issues on me. I was only one that made an effort for this relationship to work, I went to his apartment every day, I went to his parents house with him every weekend, I picked out of his gifts for holidays, I was in his video application essay for Grad school, I introduced him to all of my contacts to help get him in. He broke up with me 4 days after he found out he got into grad school, after his parents made a massive donation to help get him in.

[Turkish]

I can't second guess his new therapist, but it sounds like going off of his medication may have been a trigger to his changing mood. Due to often uncontrollable emotions, major life changes can be huge triggers. What's the contact situation? Are you open to re-engaging, or are you wanting him to stay away and try to process everything? Even both of those things are ok.

[NYC395]

I really want to talk to him, but I haven't reached out. I don't think he would respond to me anyway and I'm not sure I could stand the rejection more than I already have. If he reached out to me I would be open to talking but I think he might be using this as a way for him to show his power and hurt me even more. We've had fights before and I would get upset when I would text him and he didn't respond and he would almost use it as a way to make me feel bad and feel like I was always in the wrong.

[Turkish]

Take a look at the lessons to the right of this board: "Choosing A Path." You can learn more about BPD, communication tools which can help reduce conflict, as well as lessons just for you. Sometimes it's difficult to process, "but I did all of this and that for my partner, but he/she still treated me horribly." Understanding the core of the disorder can help.

[Bigmd]

NYC, your breakup and relationship is similar to mine . While dating my exgf who I suspect is borderline, I was always trying to please. I would drop everything I was doing if she needed something. Mainly because I didn't want to argue. It was mostly a one sided relationship with me giving more. She would blame me for everything and I always apologized for stuff I didn't do nevertheless  I was always wrong. She would often blow up on me in front of our kids. In the end she she dumped me over the phone and blamed the demise of us on me. She called me names and that was it. It was awful and I felt horrible . My advice and I'm sure others will say same , is to go NC. For me at the time I had no idea what a personality disorder was. I tried to get an explanation a week later but it was more of the same. Yelling, berating me, projection etc. I found out about BPD a few weeks later and am sure she is a borderline. I went no contact for months except one night when I was drunk. But after I realized how cold she was that was the last time we spoke. NC is the only way to go. It's hard at first but eventually something will click and the good days will be far greater than the bad. Good luck.

[Squander]

I agree with Bigmd.  It is going to be very, very difficult for a while - just know that going in.  You are going to have moments where you just want to have some sort of contact with this person (including looking FB, old photos, texts, etc).  Resist, resist, resist. 

Make a list of all the ways he has hurt you, and look at that list every time you feel like contacting him.  You will be amazed how short the list will be to start, and how much you will add to it as things come back to you.  Right now, you are just thinking about the good times.  The list helps balance your thoughts a bit... .

My ex did hurtful things to me as well and for months I let it affect me, so don't beat yourself up if you find yourself thinking about this person a lot.  If he does contact you, he likely needs his ego stroked.  If you do not respond and give him the satisfaction, you will probably second guess yourself afterwards - don't.  You deserve better than what he has to offer.

Just give it time and ride out the difficult days as best you can.  I promise you, one day you will wake up and notice you feel just a little better than you did the day before.  And that will excite the hell out of you, because you will feel hope for the first time in a while.  And you will realize the heartache does eventually go away.   You just need time, and more time, to be able to look at the relationship objectively. 

Good luck and stay strong.