Just out of a very intense relationship

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all. My name is Joey. I just spent the past year + with a girl who fits all the criteria for BPD. I am 35 years old. I work in the music industry. I also make tattoos when off tour. I currently live in Los Angeles. Moved here 6 weeks ago. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I met "Jordan"  the begining of May 2014. I was currenty seeing someone that it was not working out with. Had she come along or not it would have been over. I had no emotional investment at that point to this girl. There was some serious issues between my previous girlfriend and myself that had transpired 5 yrs earlier and we were just trying to work them out but it wasn't going to happen how it needed to. When I met Jordan I was very upfront about what i had going on. Jordan was a unicorn if you would. Gorgeous, the most amazing personality I had ever seen on a person. She was 33 when we met. She works in the airline business. I can tell you that I had never met anyone who made me feel the way. It was like she got me which can not always be easy. She was very ok with my life and my goals. Sexually the sex was hands down the best I had ever had and she was very open about how she enjoyed other females as well (Guys im sure you can relate to the possibilty of other things) which she had talked about wanting to do. Basically she was the most perfect package I had ever been with. Within weeks I had fallen head over heals for her.

That June I was away for a show. She flew in for the show and met my partner in the group.  I had been telling him for weeks how about this girl I was. We went out for dinner and she INSISTED she pay the tab. (300.00) I found it amazing that she would even want to do something like that. We had had a bottle of wine. As the wine kicked in I saw a personality shift. She became very cocky and gained a very better than you attitude. It was kind of out of line. My partner said to me later that he got a really off vibe from her but I insisted it was the alcohol. That night as she drank more the personality got stronger and stronger.

The next day i addressed this behavior and asked what gives with it. She apologized and said this is why she really doesn't drink anymore and that she suffers from PTSD. We all left and were on separate flight. Chris and I on one flight and Jordan on hers. Chris proceeds to tell me he really thinks I need to not persue this at all that he has a bad feeling. I don't listen. After that weekend I tell the girl I was seeing this doesn't work. We split. I then proceed to take Jordan seriously. In July Jordan was at my house and she left her phone on my table opened to a convo with another guy I ended up knowing and read her saying I didn't need to know about him etc. I brought it up to her and she insisted that it wasn't true and was told no I read it wrong. It's not what I think etc etc. I decide I need to step away. for months we would talk but I became very hesitiant about Jordan. I now didn't trust her. I also started hanging out with the girl I was seeing originally again but we knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. We got into a huge fight as I caught Jordan lying to me about what she was doing on halloween. It was so bad she tried to make a physical issue with me not with herself but by some other people. When it was brought to my attn she swore it wasn't her. That one of my best friends had told her friend my name and her friend was going to handle it. My best friend assured me this wasn't true. Not only was there no issue but that he didn't say anything. I stepped away at that point. Days later I got roped back in. This was the second time now with the manipulation to rope me back in. A week or so later I met her for dinner. It was very emotional. I hadn't seen her but once since July.

We started seeing one another but I made it clear I had some unresolved things to work out and needed time to straighten myself out but that I very much wanted to be with her. She agreed that that was fine. We however were with one another multiple days a week. In November we had gone out for a few drinks. Everything seemed ok. We had a scorpion bowl. When we left everything seemed fine. We got less than 1 mile up the street to her aunts house and as we were walking in she looked through me as if no one was home and hit me in the mouth. I didn't even say anything or provoke the situation. I left. the next day it was her apologizing up and down begging me for forgiveness swearing off drinking that that again was the cause. I had agreed that if she no longer drank I would continue to see her. I honestly was so in love with how she made me feel that I believed her.

For the next few months everything was ok. In February we became publicly official I was living with a friend. She moved into a new place and my lease was up. We moved in together. We discussed getting rid of our stuff and building a home together. Something we both very much wanted. I had not had feelings like this for a person in 6 yrs. We did just that. We got rid of everything. She insisted on taking out her 401k from work and paying BOTH of our debts off and furnishing this apt we now had.

Sorry to be open about about our sex life but it is crucial to this. I had stated earlier about her alos liking females and discussing bring someone else home with us. This was a very frequant convo. She was very about it. She had told me that I should find someone. I was very not with it at first but she insisted. In March I had spoke to another girl I knew from before I met Jordan. I knew this girl was also into the same things. We discussed it and I went to Jordan about it. Well she flipped. Went absolutely ballistic on me. Hit me again. I felt like the biggest idiot for bringing it up. I had stated though that she was very about me doing this and so I couldn't understand why this now was a problem. Well this was a huge problem. One that never has gone away. This is not something I would have EVER brought up had she not been so about this. Basically I was set up to fail. We got thru this after days

A few days later she went thru my computer. She went thru EVERYTHING. The only things she could find were old convo's that I had never deleted from when we were not together with other women. She FLIPPED and started saying I cheated on her. We weren't together so it is not cheating. We may have been talking at points but there was no relationship. She manipulated it so far that I ended up thinking to myself how horrible I was for doing this and believed that I cheated on her.

Days after this I sent her in to get her hair done by a long time friend of mine. By the time she left we were no longer friends. Not because the girl ended my friendship but because Jordan came to me telling me her and her assistant were bad mouthing me. I was mortified. I thought how could my friends do this but the story I was told was so believable because she had knowledge of things I have never spoken about to her. My friend had contacted me and I said don't ever talk to me again. I couldn't believe she would talk about me as she had. She said to me there was nothing I said to her I wouldn't say right to you myself. We never spoke of what was said but I believed what Jordan said so I was completely enraged.

[JSF13]

Hi all. My name is Joey. I just spent the past year + with a girl who fits all the criteria for BPD. I am 35 years old. I work in the music industry. I also make tattoos when off tour. I currently live in Los Angeles. Moved here 6 weeks ago. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I met "Jordan"  the begining of May 2014. I was currenty seeing someone that it was not working out with. Had she come along or not it would have been over. I had no emotional investment at that point to this girl. There was some serious issues between my previous girlfriend and myself that had transpired 5 yrs earlier and we were just trying to work them out but it wasn't going to happen how it needed to. When I met Jordan I was very upfront about what i had going on. Jordan was a unicorn if you would. Gorgeous, the most amazing personality I had ever seen on a person. She was 33 when we met. She works in the airline business. I can tell you that I had never met anyone who made me feel the way. It was like she got me which can not always be easy. She was very ok with my life and my goals. Sexually the sex was hands down the best I had ever had and she was very open about how she enjoyed other females as well (Guys im sure you can relate to the possibilty of other things) which she had talked about wanting to do. Basically she was the most perfect package I had ever been with. Within weeks I had fallen head over heals for her.

That June I was away for a show. She flew in for the show and met my partner in the group.  I had been telling him for weeks how about this girl I was. We went out for dinner and she INSISTED she pay the tab. (300.00) I found it amazing that she would even want to do something like that. We had had a bottle of wine. As the wine kicked in I saw a personality shift. She became very cocky and gained a very better than you attitude. It was kind of out of line. My partner said to me later that he got a really off vibe from her but I insisted it was the alcohol. That night as she drank more the personality got stronger and stronger.

The next day i addressed this behavior and asked what gives with it. She apologized and said this is why she really doesn't drink anymore and that she suffers from PTSD. We all left and were on separate flight. Chris and I on one flight and Jordan on hers. Chris proceeds to tell me he really thinks I need to not persue this at all that he has a bad feeling. I don't listen. After that weekend I tell the girl I was seeing this doesn't work. We split. I then proceed to take Jordan seriously. In July Jordan was at my house and she left her phone on my table opened to a convo with another guy I ended up knowing and read her saying I didn't need to know about him etc. I brought it up to her and she insisted that it wasn't true and was told no I read it wrong. It's not what I think etc etc. I decide I need to step away. for months we would talk but I became very hesitiant about Jordan. I now didn't trust her. I also started hanging out with the girl I was seeing originally again but we knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. We got into a huge fight as I caught Jordan lying to me about what she was doing on halloween. It was so bad she tried to make a physical issue with me not with herself but by some other people. When it was brought to my attn she swore it wasn't her. That one of my best friends had told her friend my name and her friend was going to handle it. My best friend assured me this wasn't true. Not only was there no issue but that he didn't say anything. I stepped away at that point. Days later I got roped back in. This was the second time now with the manipulation to rope me back in. A week or so later I met her for dinner. It was very emotional. I hadn't seen her but once since July.

We started seeing one another but I made it clear I had some unresolved things to work out and needed time to straighten myself out but that I very much wanted to be with her. She agreed that that was fine. We however were with one another multiple days a week. In November we had gone out for a few drinks. Everything seemed ok. We had a scorpion bowl. When we left everything seemed fine. We got less than 1 mile up the street to her aunts house and as we were walking in she looked through me as if no one was home and hit me in the mouth. I didn't even say anything or provoke the situation. I left. the next day it was her apologizing up and down begging me for forgiveness swearing off drinking that that again was the cause. I had agreed that if she no longer drank I would continue to see her. I honestly was so in love with how she made me feel that I believed her.

For the next few months everything was ok. In February we became publicly official I was living with a friend. She moved into a new place and my lease was up. We moved in together. We discussed getting rid of our stuff and building a home together. Something we both very much wanted. I had not had feelings like this for a person in 6 yrs. We did just that. We got rid of everything. She insisted on taking out her 401k from work and paying BOTH of our debts off and furnishing this apt we now had.

Sorry to be open about about our sex life but it is crucial to this. I had stated earlier about her alos liking females and discussing bring someone else home with us. This was a very frequant convo. She was very about it. She had told me that I should find someone. I was very not with it at first but she insisted. In March I had spoke to another girl I knew from before I met Jordan. I knew this girl was also into the same things. We discussed it and I went to Jordan about it. Well she flipped. Went absolutely ballistic on me. Hit me again. I felt like the biggest idiot for bringing it up. I had stated though that she was very about me doing this and so I couldn't understand why this now was a problem. Well this was a huge problem. One that never has gone away. This is not something I would have EVER brought up had she not been so about this. Basically I was set up to fail. We got thru this after days

A few days later she went thru my computer. She went thru EVERYTHING. The only things she could find were old convo's that I had never deleted from when we were not together with other women. She FLIPPED and started saying I cheated on her. We weren't together so it is not cheating. We may have been talking at points but there was no relationship. She manipulated it so far that I ended up thinking to myself how horrible I was for doing this and believed that I cheated on her.

Days after this I sent her in to get her hair done by a long time friend of mine. By the time she left we were no longer friends. Not because the girl ended my friendship but because Jordan came to me telling me her and her assistant were bad mouthing me. I was mortified. I thought how could my friends do this but the story I was told was so believable because she had knowledge of things I have never spoken about to her. My friend had contacted me and I said don't ever talk to me again. I couldn't believe she would talk about me as she had. She said to me there was nothing I said to her I wouldn't say right to you myself. We never spoke of what was said but I believed what Jordan said so I was completely enraged.

[JSF13]

Few days after that I left for 2 weeks. Immediately as I boarded my flight she started attacking me. This attacking lasted 4 days straight barely sleeping. While I was away in the first few days between fighting with me she asked if she could go with one of my Best friends to this other friend of ours house. I said sure. So they went out and before the night was out massive drama. She was telling me how my best friend was trashing me saying how they wanted to not be friends anymore. How she hates me and all this stuff. She even told me my friend came on to her. 3 days after this I am about to board a flight to Miami. Jordan at this point has calmed down. She is talking to me and says I have to tell you something. You know your Black and gold hat from this tour you did? I said yes what about it.  Well the other night when all that stuff happened. Ari took a kitchen knife and shredded it. I couldn't stop her I was scared for my life and she tried to come on to me. I am so sorry. I'm gonna make it right. Now I'm bull___. The hat had great sentimental value to me. I then get on my flight to Miami. Jordan is going to meet me there.

We get to Miami and as soon as I'm there she starts fighting with me again. She knows I am doing work stuff and it means nothing. Just relentlessly attacking me. Then when she gets to Miami a day after me she is ok but she very much is trying to isolate me from my friends peers and the people who work for us. She starts making everything really hard. My anxiety at this point is becoming very overwhelming. We go out one day and we were window shopping. I spotted this watch I really liked but it was 1000.00 dollars and wasn't a practical purchase at the time. A few min later she comes out of the store with the watch. She gives it to me and says I'm sorry for your hat. At this point im roped in again. Who would just buy me that? It was a chunk of money.

We had this business meeting and she insisted she come along. When the bill came she picked up the tab. Totally out of nowhere. Made us look really good. One of our friends with us she insisted a few times she pay for his food as he didn't have the money we did and was there doing us a favor a couple times.

Now we get home and all of a sudden she starts in with how none of this would have been possible without her. That turns into we now all owe her this moeny and how we took advantage of her. None of this happened. She insisted she help. Im completely dumbfounded but she is becoming aggressive over this. I say ok and try to smooth it over and make her feel validated that she was a huge reason this was all possible. Let me interject that we have done this every year for 4 yrs. This is the first year she was around for it.

Things then start getting worse and worse. The 3rd week of march we are now in. She is fighting insanely with me again. Doesn't care that im working. Means nothing. Im at the gym and she is so mean and so angry I left and went home. I find her in the bathtub crying. Telling me she is pregnant. So I totally calm my anger and switch into support mode. I tell her that I am 100% with her in whatever she chooses. That even if we don't stay together I will always step up and be dad. After a few days she decides she doesn't want to keep it. I tell her I will support her decision. i offer to go with her. She insists I don't. She then turns the entire thing on me telling me how I'm a piece of ___ once she gets there. That I didn't go with her. She fights me the ENTIRE procedure. I went out got flowers, food, everything comforting I could. Even while she was attacking me I offer to come there but no she didn't want that so i was trying to make the home ok.

After that is when things got really bad. She started dismantling all my friendships telling them that I forced her to get an abortion. She wanted to keep the baby. I was like what the heck are you talking about. She manipulated it so good that she had me convinced that I didn't actually support her. That i should have never let her do it. That what she felt was my indifference meant I didn't want the baby and she made a rash irriversible mistake. At this point I believe her. How could with the shape she was in allow her to make a decision like that. I blamed me. Again.

After that the obsessiveness became worse. We thought it was deff because of the trauma of this choice which I now blamed me for. She then proceeds to find a therapist that speciallizes in PTSD. I start going with her and trying to work thru this. She tells this therapist all these things she has manipulated that I now believe about things I have done. The therapist is like well you obviously love one another and wanna work thru it. I am so manipulated and brainwashed I believe this. I then on my own got my own therapist I would see twice a week. I thought I was this absolutely horrible person and I have wrecked this girl and I need to fix it all and I was so in love with this memory of her that I'm willing to do anything. The therapists notice my commitment and are amazed at it.

Then the break ups started. She would throw me out. I would go stay anywhere I could.

At this same time she starts getting between the tattoo shop and myself. Convincing them I was doing all these horrible things while telling me how they don't like me. I had been there for 6 yrs at that point. Work became the most uncomfortable.

So the on and off break ups continued. She would go digging for anything. It got so bad I barely spoke to anyone. She would wait for me to sleep then go scouring though my texts, emails, social media etc. She would find ANYTHING and then blow it up convincing me how inappropriate I am.

Basically I became this prisoner.

[JSF13]

In May we played in Hawaii. She came with us. She destroyed everything. Left me in Hawaii and I took my own flight back a day later. Per usual she apologized. We again keep trying to trench Fwd.

On my birthday she wrecked the entire day for me.

Then in July she thru me out at 2 am over liking a girls photo on instagram telling me how Im awful and . This time she comes in with 3 family member and throws me out at 2 but not before she hits me again. Her father flies up. He flips on me and is blaming me for everything. I had for months been telling him what I was going through. He still blames me. This is my fault. I made her this way.

She up and down apologizes. A few days later she asks I come back. I come and spend the night. She at 4 am goes through my phone and sees my convo with my 3 best friends. She reads them telling me to leave and this is gone way too far. That the cycle isn't gonna end. I just stop responding. She is so angry she goes and messages one of my friends girlfriends and spills all this private stuff to her that he had spoken to me about over text destroying their relationship.

I then leave. I take my belongings. I go stay at my friends. 10 days later she calls me in a panic. She blacked out and needs me. I rush to her. The next day she checks herself in to a an inpatient facility where she will remain for a week. Her therapist reaches out and tells me how thankful she is that I am here to help.  We believe this is PTSD and is being triggered at this point by her job. She is also on Minipress. She is having horrific nightmares. Mostly always about me she tells me. They do nothing but pump her full of xanax. She is insistant I do not come to the hospital. I then begin paying for all of the things in our house as at this point we are very behind and now she is out of work. Money is low as I'm not home, eating out, giving friends some money to let me stay for days on end.

I picked Jordan up 7 days later. She looked awful. Totally drugged out. I took her home where I prepared the house nicely for her with flowers and food and things to help her feel better. At midnight that night we had to pick my mother up from the airport. We are driving in to do that and she starts picking fights with me again. I firmly told her she will stop this. I will not have my mother who has already been flying for 13hrs be in the middle of anything. We got my mother and headed home and when we got there her attitude was worsening. We finally fell asleep. When we awoke the next day it was still awful. She had gone for the first time to her IOP classes. While she is there she is attacking me over a photograph I posted of myself and dog on Instagram. She is telling me how inappropriate I am for doing that. That while she's in the hospital I only care about pleasing our fans. She completely beats me up over this telling me that the doctors all think I am very out of line and disrespectful doing that. At 5 pm that day I get this feeling I need to go to our house. Something felt wrong and it was. Jordan just minutes before consumed her entire script of 56 X 1mg xanax. I rushed her to the hospital. I hysterically call her father. I fly him up the next morning.

We arrive at the hospital. She is still very delusional from the xanax and is asking for more xanax so she can just end it. I was so broken. How could someone I love so much be so ill. Why couldn't she see how much I loved her? I only get minimal times of the most extreme happiness but to quickly be replaced by this completely other person. I would ask Drs what the outcome of this would be. Would i get the girl I fell in love with back? They all told me I would but it was going to be work and that I am a great guy for not bailing. I mean how could I? I love this girl more than anything. The good times were like no other but so were the bad.

We are at the hospital and Jordan is on a 24 security watch. She gets up and tries to use the bathroom. and she is not allowed and the resident nurse gets angry with her because they had told her numerous times she couldn't. She had to use the bed comode. She flips out. Goes absolutely ballistic. takes the ekg wires and wraps tem arond her neck and begins to strangle herself in front of us all. An image I can not remove from my brain. She then attacks myself and her father, Telling her father he's the reason her mother is dead. He destroyed their family. He gets so upset he has to walk out of the hospital room. I go with him. I tell him that this behavior is what I have been going through with her for months. He tells me he knows. That  he was sorry for flipping on me a month earlier. We rekindle our relationship quickly. He got to see first hand that this is not me. It can be anyone.

Over the next few days she starts to improve. Her mood is subsiding. They section 12 her for 4 days. After that she is immediately into a new, very respected Inpatient program for 7 days. In fact it was part of my decision when I rushed her to the hospital. I knew that specific hospital had one of the BEST programs. Those 7 days she is there she is doing well but there becomes a problem. I ended up knowing another girl in there. I really knew her boyfriend but was friendly with her. This becomes an issue. We had an episode because I said I knew her and she was a nice girl. Aparently that was not ok. How dare I speak about another girl saying she is nice. It took a few hours but finally she let it go.


7 days later she is discharged to an IOP program. She comes home to me. Her father flies back up as I am not comfortable leaving her home alone at any point. He is very adamate this is PTSD. She needs to be on Buspar and Wellbutrin. I don't believe this is PTSD. I very much am like buddy there is way more something going on here. When I talk to the doctors, he just talks over me canceling out anything I have to say. Telling me not to say this or that.

They put her on buspar and wellbutrin and she nose dives again. She is attacking me nonstop. They tell her she has a reaction to the welbutrin and thats the cause. Well 2 weeks goes by and this hasn't stopped. At this point I'm getting frustrated. So is Jordan. She knows something is VERY wrong. That this is not PTSD. She starts sending me articles on BPD. The description matches.

Now I had to move to LA for work. We had agreed we were going to do this together. This was months in the making. She had a break between the IOP at this one hospital and had gotten herself into the McLean center. We moved across the country. Our trip was nothing less of stressful. Everything seemed to be a trigger and our fights rarely ended but when they did like usual she was the most incredible girl in this world.

We got to LA 7 days later on Sunday. On Monday the fights started again. She felt I wasn't paying her enough attn. to her before she needed to fly back to go to the McLean center. This fight carried on for a week without end until she came here for the weekend. After the weekend it started right up again. This time she tells me its over. I tell her this is ridiculous. She tells me shes just done. She flies back here and packs all of her things. We talk and she says she wants to go to her fathers for a month. Get herself together. Give me a break. She tells me she is going to come spend the weekends with me but stay at her fathers during the week. I agree to that. It would be nice to be able to focus on myself a little after everything I have neglected being the support in this situation. She packs all of her things and ships them off to her fathers. She is very insistant about us having sex multiple times and was very aggressive about it.

The next day she texts me and says I found out more things about you. You disgust me. Im never coming back. I tell her ok. I figure this is another episode like usual. Well I haven't seen or heard from her. I start reaching out to all those people who I was friends with. All of them tell me a very different version of the stories she toild me. All of their stories are the same. Jordan trashed me to them telling them I was trash talking them. They told me EXACTLY what went down and it was never the way she told it. The "Hat" I told you all about. Well it was shredded with a kitchen knife but not randomly. Not the way she told it. She got VERY AGGRESSIVE with my friend and gave her both the knife and the hat and INSISTED she do it to get revenge on me. The girls at the salon... .Same story. She came in there running her mouth nonstop about me.

I made a post on my Facebook stating briefly why I had disappeared over the course of the last 8 months and urged people to reach out to me. I sent her Therapist an email stating what has really transpired. Jordan messages our publicist and sends an indirect threat stating that if I say anything else about her she will come after me for slander and ruin my career.

Days later her father emails me telling me I need to accept that I have caused this and move with my life. They have gotten a lawyer involved as this is defamation of character.

I then wake up one moring and my bank acct has a 228.00 payment taken out of it to Well Fargo. Her car loan was with Well Fargo. She used my on file acct to try to pay her car. I reach out via email as it is the only contact I have. No response. I try to address her car ins. No response. In fact I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks.

I am just devistated. My life is in shambles. I'm completely lost. Im drowning myself in work to not have to face the pain. Every night it's constant nightmares. I guess I'm just looking for support. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel guilty that I did this but yet know it wasn't me. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your responses.

Best,

Joey

[ICantFixHer]

This is one heck of a story, Joey, thank you for sharing it and I am sorry for what you have had to go thru.

I'm in the same boat -- musician w/BPD girlfriend -- and I have been out of the house for 6 weeks now (moved from LA to Big Bear). We fought all day yesterday via email because I "liked" a Facebook post of a mutual female friend.

I must have typed 15,000 words yesterday, I swear; the fight ended when suddenly I was to be rushing back to LA first thing this morning to bring her the cat and "the squirrel figurine" she gave me years ago (it fits with the mountain cabin vibe), and we would exchange our keys, but we had to do it in a public parking lot because she was afraid of me.

I'm thinking, "We are totally watching our 10 year relationship fall to pieces, and she's concerned about a figurine?"

The classic BPD trick: deflect all blame for everything onto someone else. It also shows her immaturity and where her priorities lie.

My last email to her last night was to the effect of, "I will not allow myself to be pressured into making rash decisions based in anger, so for now, everything stays as it is, and we will have absolutely ZERO contact of any kind until she starts getting help after the 1st of the year."

So, yeah, this is my first "nc" day; I was naive enough to think just moving out and getting my own place would be enough to escape the madness but look at yesterday: we had a vicious fight VIA EMAIL. That's nucking futs!

Anyway, you definitely need to walk, bro; the Dad is also a big problem with his inconsistent opinions about his daughter. BPD people have real issues with being consistent.

Thanks for sharing, I wish you nothing but the best, Joey. Be strong and remember this is YOUR life, you are here to do what YOU want to do, not become someone else's stepping stone. I lost the most important thing -- my self worth -- and I would hate to see the same happen to you. Stick with the art that motivates you and free yourself from the negative environment and watch your creativity explode. I've been writing some crazy music since I've been here in the mountains, something I didn't do much of outside of band rehearsals because I felt I needed to spend all my time with my BPD girlfriend.

Hang in there.

[JSF13]

It deff has been a hell of a ride. She always manipulated things. She would threaten me with calling the police on me telling them I hit her (I've never laid a finger on a girl a day in my life) and they would arrest me and I would be screwed because I had gotten arrested as a kid for a fight and pled out. The system would never believe me and she would tell people she feared her safety. Meanwhile she was ALWAYS the violent one. Never me. Worst thing I did when we were together was flip out and throw things when it got so crazy. Never at her but at walls. I just am so confused as to how all of this happened and why.

[Little oak]

Hi joey,

You sound like you've had heck of a ride buddy,as difficult as it is be glad your out of it. I also had threats of the police,she called them once but as no crime had been committed they took me to a family members house. I was also smeared and she told my friends I had beaten her and she also alleged someone had told her mother I was a child abuser,Ie some pervert. All I did was look after her children and care for them as my own. Anyway I'm digressing now but honestly buddy if you would have carried on in that sh!t storm it would only be time before you got into trouble with the law. You mentioned you've thrown things in anger and frustration and I completely understand that,I think it's called gas lighting. I've done things and abused her verbally and I'm not proud of them,I've reacted in ways out of sheer frustration and became a different person,the not knowing where I stood,defending myself from allegations and the general chaos that was everyday life.

[JSF13]

I as well have said things out of anger. I always tried my best but when it was nonstop abuse it got to be overwhelming. Recently she was upset with her cousin and told her social worker that it was an unfit home. That their child was in danger. The social worker had to obviously question her over it. She then came to and said she made it up out of anger.  This was the first time ever she realized what she does when angry. She apologized to me for doing the same thing to me. I was always the blame for everything. She would say she just reacts to my actions. That I'm the trigger. EVERYTHING is her trigger. I find myself wondering what if anything she has told me about her life is true. She has ALWAYS been the victim. She has NEVER caused any of the issues according to her.

[JSF13]

I also want to state that I was always interogated. Nothing I said was ever true. I did lie at points to try and avoid conflict but it got to the point that it didn't matter so I just would tell the truth. I was going to be crucified regardless. She would always tell me my moral compass was off. That it was was me who was the issue constantly.

[ICantFixHer]

This is how twisted my thinking was with my current relationship.

Early on she had exhibited tendencies towards physical violence by breaking things, slamming doors really hard, etc. The first time should have been my red flag but I preferred green at the time. Things continued on and got worse and at the end of a four month long fight -- think about that -- she threw a wine glass at my face and missed me by inches.

I called the cops and had her arrested; she was drunk and belligerent with the police and she spent the night and next day in jail.

Two years later, same thing: had her arrested again. Even drunker, even more surly; the details of this particular incident are particularly loathsome to me and one day I need to address that nightmare day.

My point?

In my twisted mindset at the time I thought, "I own her now as far as the fake abuse claims go, so if she's deluded enough to think of claiming I abused her in the future, my safety is assured."

Like, that's the goal of a healthy partnership: to have legal control over someone due strictly to their own destructive actions.

I harbor a very, very deep sorrow in my heart of hearts over causing her those legal restraints and sense of shame, but -- putting the heart aside for the moment -- she asked for it, she handed it to me.

And I accepted it until 10 years were gone.

I never realized just a few weeks ago what is ahead of me. Believe it or not, in a wonderful coincidence an old musician friend of mine recently published a book under an anonymous name about his two year relationship (11 months legally married) with his BPD wife. It's harrowing and I see parallels all over the place. See, there's one right over there.

I am stoked for the future, however, short term, I really want to learn to grieve for the good things I am leaving behind. I know they are in capable hands, but I need to personally let it go, a place I worked my tail off to make nice and loved tending.

[JSF13]

Dude I 100% get you. I as well have thought about getting the cops involved but would feel horrific. i know what that would do to her job future. I don't wish to ruin anyones life. Her on the other hand think her behavior is acceptable. I have this very conflicted feeling of hating her for what she has done and a sense of compassion knowing that in a persons right mind this would never have happened and the illness is the cause of the issues. Is it wrong that everyday regardless of how messed up my life currently is I wish she was well? That the life we supposedly both wanted would have been a reality. I am so conflicted between hate and compassion.