some questions about what to do next

[brazbeliever]

Hello to all.

To sum up the situation: caught my BPD gf cheating on me... .we talked, it went really well (which surprised me a lot). I spent 2 days wondering what to do, and she helped me taking the step of a break, a time a part. So I took this opportunity... .We haven't seen each other in 2 days.

She reached me yesterday over texts messages, saying she was depressed. I told her it wasn't easy on me to, but asked her to find peace and stay fine, that we would have another discussion about our situation on monday (its a big day for her, and despite of everything, I want to be there for her).

I talked with some friends... .they are really pushing me to a break up. I told them about her condition, and that I can only say that if we stay together, it won't be the same. I won't be her rescuer and her emotional caretaker (I told her too). But they insist that I have to leave. I understand them, really do, but I am confident that I have to take care of myself... .I`ll start on therapy next week, and do things for me. I told this to my gf (about therapy and seeing friends more often), and she was really supportive.

Now, I have clarity that this may be a golden chance to leave, but I still care for her, and want to think things through... .I know that I`m the one who needs to change and abandon this caretaker role and savior.

2 questions: 1 - Even if I stay, I need more time for me, not seeing her or seeing her much less. How do I put this to her when we meet on Monday?

and 2 - Is that possible to reconstruct a r/s even though everyone else in your life is against it, even if your family do not accept it?

[juniorswailing]

Take the chance and walk away.

[C.Stein]

Cheating for me is a line in stone.  Once it is crossed there is no returning.  You have to ask yourself are you willing to forgive her completely because anything less will result in the relationship ending somewhere down the road.  You also need to consider that if she cheated once then there is a good chance she will do it again.  Are you prepared for that?

[zeus123]

she cheated on you that means it is over. there is no reason to talk about her anymore. i agree with juiorswailing walk away, if you talk to her again you are giving away your power.

[MapleBob]

Has she explained WHY she cheated? That might be a place to start. Cheating is AWFUL, don't get me wrong, but relationships CAN (most don't) survive infidelity.

[brazbeliever]

Don`t know if I can forgive this. Thats why I need to work something with myself right now. For example, why am I still considering? Don't have an answer to that question yet.

She told me that she did it because she was needing it... .Because she had a desire, and that she felt she had to satisfy it... .cold blooded like that. She apologized, said it was wrong and would do anything to fix this.

I just said that don't know if she could. I`m having a hard day today... .wanting to call her, but I will stick to my boundary, that I won't talk to her till Monday. Then we`ll talk again and see what to do next.

My racional part says to walk away, no good can come from there anymore. My emotional part, instead, says that I should give it a go, not the same way as it was... .and maybe, turn this rollercoaster a bit more healthier at the end.

It`s been 5 years, and the most we`ve open up our feelings and needs are at this point in time. After the affair. So a good can come from the bad... .I feel stronger, and more relaxed staying apart.

Is there a thing for them as having a good ending? A good break up and not painting us nons black?

[steve195915]

Don`t know if I can forgive this. Thats why I need to work something with myself right now. For example, why am I still considering? Don't have an answer to that question yet.

She told me that she did it because she was needing it... .Because she had a desire, and that she felt she had to satisfy it... .cold blooded like that. She apologized, said it was wrong and would do anything to fix this.

I just said that don't know if she could. I`m having a hard day today... .wanting to call her, but I will stick to my boundary, that I won't talk to her till Monday. Then we`ll talk again and see what to do next.

My racional part says to walk away, no good can come from there anymore. My emotional part, instead, says that I should give it a go, not the same way as it was... .and maybe, turn this rollercoaster a bit more healthier at the end.

It`s been 5 years, and the most we`ve open up our feelings and needs are at this point in time. After the affair. So a good can come from the bad... .I feel stronger, and more relaxed staying apart.

Is there a thing for them as having a good ending? A good break up and not painting us nons black?

[hashtag_loyal]

1 - Even if I stay, I need more time for me, not seeing her or seeing her much less. How do I put this to her when we meet on Monday?

Doing this to a pwBPD is like saying, "I'm going to abandon you a little bit more in the future, so now might be a really good time to ramp up on the cheating, or at least find a replacement who isn't in the know about BPD."

Don't do it, dude. Letting her get away with this would only enable her further, and ultimately lead to more and more cheating. This is true in any relationship, but particularly with pwBPD.

You didn't do anything to cause or invite this. Her reasons for cheating were her desires. Do you think there is anything you can do to prevent her desires from controlling her actions in the future?

It must really hurt after 5 years, but you must know this isn't your fault, and that the only option you have is to walk away and find a future SO who won't cheat.