Is emotional cheating recoverable/acceptible when devalued by BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since this is a new thread, I will pose the question from the subject. My wife is currently refusing therapy. I say this because if you ask her to go to therapy then she will say yes. However, she doesn't believe in therapy and will not actively seek it. I am the only one motivated to make it happen. I/my 4yr old are currently in therapy. She had stated she's been unhappy for a long time and I feel she is using this reasoning to act out. Mind you, this has never been communicated to me. Never directly but sometimes in more subtle ways. Her mental state has deteriorated as of late. She's engaging in risky behavior. She has been threatening me with divorce but that is nothing new. She says she doesn't really feel married and we are like room mates. I would do nice things for her:take her out, buy things, try to be affectionate, and I would get attacked with the statement "you are only doing nice things for me because you want to get laid... ." There is a kernel of truth in that since now its been 4 years since we've had sex. I would kiss her everyday and give her affection with no reciprocation. I am completely devalued. When she has stated that she had no interest in sex and intimacy, I thought it was a side-effect of her meds or a symptom of her illness and I tried not to take it personally. Recently, she has stated she wants those things in a relationship and it is the problems within our relationship that are the cause for her distance. First, its really insulting. Second, my grace is waning.

   Now, she has gone off her meds, lost weight as a result, going out, picking up/or having men hit on her in bars, giving out her phone number, and texting one constantly or getting texts from others on the night she goes out with her friends. Rather than work on our marriage, she is choosing to destroy it. She is reaching out to strangers for affection. I feel like I've been written off as a human but she said last week that she wants to work on our relationship. Yet she doesn't want to go to couples counseling.

   I understand that when she creates the beginning of this relationship with a new person that they know nothing about her and she can build her house of cards around them. It happened to me when I met her.

She is very convincing and can zero in on your empathy like a sniper.

   So now she's cheating-emotionally:for sure-physically:there is a very good chance. As a person with BPD, is this acceptable for all the reasons we know of on this site which would lead her in that direction? Or at some point, do we have to draw a line with people who refuse to help themselves/don't feel like they need any help/aren't motivated to change their behavior because it's all they know?

   I've read some BPD's cheat and some don't. Is it part of her BPD or just part of her character/low self-esteem/low self-worth/bad body image?

   From a different thread, one poster said I may have to accept an open relationship. But the devaluation is so great that I feel like she doesn't regard me as an actual person. I feel like a thing to her- a resource she has used up and now has no use for and now she is moving on to another resource she can draw off of-like an emotional vampire.

   

[Concerns]

Since this is a new thread, I will pose the question from the subject. My wife is currently refusing therapy. I say this because if you ask her to go to therapy then she will say yes. However, she doesn't believe in therapy and will not actively seek it. I am the only one motivated to make it happen. I/my 4yr old are currently in therapy. She had stated she's been unhappy for a long time and I feel she is using this reasoning to act out. Mind you, this has never been communicated to me. Never directly but sometimes in more subtle ways. Her mental state has deteriorated as of late. She's engaging in risky behavior. She has been threatening me with divorce but that is nothing new. She says she doesn't really feel married and we are like room mates. I would do nice things for her:take her out, buy things, try to be affectionate, and I would get attacked with the statement "you are only doing nice things for me because you want to get laid... ." There is a kernel of truth in that since now its been 4 years since we've had sex. I would kiss her everyday and give her affection with no reciprocation. I am completely devalued. When she has stated that she had no interest in sex and intimacy, I thought it was a side-effect of her meds or a symptom of her illness and I tried not to take it personally. Recently, she has stated she wants those things in a relationship and it is the problems within our relationship that are the cause for her distance. First, its really insulting. Second, my grace is waning.

   Now, she has gone off her meds, lost weight as a result, going out, picking up/or having men hit on her in bars, giving out her phone number, and texting one constantly or getting texts from others on the night she goes out with her friends. Rather than work on our marriage, she is choosing to destroy it. She is reaching out to strangers for affection. I feel like I've been written off as a human but she said last week that she wants to work on our relationship. Yet she doesn't want to go to couples counseling.

   I understand that when she creates the beginning of this relationship with a new person that they know nothing about her and she can build her house of cards around them. It happened to me when I met her.

She is very convincing and can zero in on your empathy like a sniper.

   So now she's cheating-emotionally:for sure-physically:there is a very good chance. As a person with BPD, is this acceptable for all the reasons we know of on this site which would lead her in that direction? Or at some point, do we have to draw a line with people who refuse to help themselves/don't feel like they need any help/aren't motivated to change their behavior because it's all they know?

   I've read some BPD's cheat and some don't. Is it part of her BPD or just part of her character/low self-esteem/low self-worth/bad body image?

   From a different thread, one poster said I may have to accept an open relationship. But the devaluation is so great that I feel like she doesn't regard me as an actual person. I feel like a thing to her- a resource she has used up and now has no use for and now she is moving on to another resource she can draw off of-like an emotional vampire.

   

[DreamGirl]

Good to see that you and your kiddo are in therapy. How's that going? What's your therapist saying?

Sometimes in these situations, when we become the needy, do-anything-for-you-even-though-you're-a-jerk spouse ---- the attraction to us wanes, because well... .it's unattractive to be needy and desperate.

I think sometimes we look too far down the road to live in the moment. We get all wrapped up in the emotions (and the fear) that we can't see the reality of the situation. You're married (right now) and she's got one foot out the door. You haven't had sex in years and she says that's what she wants.

What are your expectations at this point? Right now?

Are they possible?  

Not all people are BPD, not all people cheat, not all BPD people cheat, and those who cheat are not all BPD. Catch my drift? It's just something humans do. There's not a cookie cutter way to deal with a spouse wanting to stray in a marriage. It's also a symptom of a dwindling marriage, not necessarily a symptom of the person cheating.

My marriage survived fidelity. The best advice my therapist gave me was to stop being so pathetic and sad. It's part of what drove my husband to the arms of another person. I was angry, vengeful, bitter, upset, crying, whiny and did I mention angry? It made his mistress look like the much better choice.

I wonder if you were to back off a little? Maybe not take her so seriously (since her threats are idle anyways)? What might that entail?

Focus on you a little bit. On your relationship with your 4 year old. A hobby even - something that made you smile.

Do you think she would miss you?

Would your stopping putting the pressure on her help or hurt your situation?

[Skip]

I think it depends on you - is that a value you can live with?  For me, that would be out of bounds, period. You have to decide where that fits in your life.

If its not something you do or can tolerate in her, then you have to draw the line and ask her chose.

Generally ulimatiums aren"t a good idea - but when it is drugs, crime, child abuse, or infidelity, we can forgive, but we shouldn't enable.

How can you deal with this constructively? Be mature and give her a choice and some time to decide and let her decide. Be strong. Be caring. Be confident. Don't be a punitive parent.  Don't be needy and wounded.

Right now she under values you. It's will take some time to shift that. It may come down to calling each others bluff. Whatever you do, be a person she will respect (don't show injury to her cut downs - she sees it as weakness).