Why does it still bother me?

[reachingoutuk]

I'm a year on from a decade long toxic relationship with a dysfunctional girl that cost me more heartache, headache, stress, upset & misery than I care to remember yet it still bothers me the fact I was lied to, deceived, cheated & taken for a mug my her & the man she is now with whilst she was seeing him behind my back.

She was no good for me, the relationship wasn't good & I am better of alone that with a woman who had so little respect for me so why oh why does it still hurt?

[Confused?]

We are all here for the same reason. We all feel used and manipulated. We have all hit rock bottom at the end of our relationships. It hurts. It hurts to have our "soulmates" walk out on us and treat us like we are just some object that's easily replaced. We all did so much to make it work and it doesn't matter how hard we tried, it still wouldn't be enough. I'm over a year out too while feeling better I too have a hard time believing everything that happened. It's funny because I used to tell my ex all the time to not dwell on the past and to come out a stronger person from those experiences. Easier said than done I guess.

[guy4caligirl]

I don't know why and I wonder why they leave us behind and we have such a strong addiction towards them ?

Were they that special ,knowing what pain they caused us  ?

They are definitely unique creature .

[Confused?]

The way I see it is that when you put so much effort into something and "fail" we tend to question ourselves as individuals. We feel like we weren't good enough and what made us fail. The problem with these scenarios is the is often no chance to "try again" after we "fail". It's not like college when u fail a test then you can try again on the next one or fail a class and take it over again. These relationships leave us feeling that we failed. It's extra hard when you are replaced because you feel where you failed, the next person succeeded. I'm sure everyone here did the same thing in their relationship as I did. I went over and above what a person would do to make sure everything she needed from me was met. All that effort wasted on someone so heartless sure makes you think about what went wrong. I was in a losing battle to begin with and the only way to get past ruminating is to realize this.

[reachingoutuk]

It's like she is your soulmate, the one you pin all your future hopes & dreams on. She then tricked me in to getting pregnant telling me she can not have children then the fact we have a daughter together means surely we are meant to be together forever as a family unit all the while she is plotting to leave me.

A year on I'm not as bad as I was but I do still have a lot of bitterness & resentment towards her & the new man who she was cheating with but I guess that's my issue & for me to deal with

[guy4caligirl]

Soul mate  

Why do most everyone label them a soul mate ?

A soul mate is understanding, warm loving, caring think alike , passionate , compassionate full of empathy and all that good stuff ... .

I never thought of my ex as my soul mate how can I where every other word spoken with her ended up with an investigation and rage ?

Love is blind foe SURE.

[Joem678]

GUILT!  That's all it is. You see, we were all told something by them to make them seem like a victim.  Something happened to them as a child or in their previous relationship. We them become or try to become their saviors.  But it gets hard and we put more effort.  And then more.  And then more!  It's like being in quicksand. Every effort you put in getting them better, buries you deeper. But then when they leave how do you get out? 

Therapy!  Most of us become codependent.  You are emotionally unhealthy because of your experiences.  Coming here has helped me realized it's not them it's the disorder.  Once you accept this the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the disbelief  will go away.  Trust me.  I am dealing with 19 years of this.  Accepting it speeds up the healing process.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think that a lot of us on these boards are people for whom the "rules" of life usually worked, that is, you work hard and do your best, and you get good results.

The problem with pwBPD is that you can literally be the best thing that ever happened to them, and they still discard you.  It is like a class where you do all the work and ace all the tests and you still fail.  Most of us could accept a breakup if we legitimately failed to meet the other person's needs, but when you seemed to be absolutely everything they needed most and that was the basis of the relationship, the breakup (and a harsh one at that) is a total non-sequitur. 

We are all like that person who just put their money in the vending machine, and the bag of chips got stuck in the dispenser, so we're stuck here banging on the glass trying to get our money's worth.

[guy4caligirl]

Joem

I am a year and 4 months out , 120 days NC ,At this time last year I was in pain bad, after a five years relation the break up was due and was  mutual, a week after her departure to another state she had her new guy on the phone telling me she doesn't want to be with you, bye and she went ST

She broke NC twice by text and phone in the last three months   ,I showed her  indifference , it bothered me a little there after but I am continuing seeing other women nothing that serious i only will consider taking her back if i am alone .

i am way out of the anger and resentment i am almost healed need more time though i feel like if i run into someone new that i like ,she will be way back in my past .

I came back on the site to help others and give them hope and answer their questions like the folks back then did to me, BTW i wonder if they are healed by now also ... .if any one reading from last fall please come out and say hi ?

[Confused?]

Hi