They can't handle anger with closeness

[shatra]

Hi

  I am thinking of why the pwBPD can't hanlde being angry with a close loved one and stay in touch. They don't seem to be able to handle being angry at someone they have contact with. It seems to be "I'm mad, and so therefore I am dumping you"... .and then later sometimes years later "Oh I'll forget about that memory, now I want you back"   Or now I need you again, so I'll paint you white and try to reel you back in.

   WHether it is a relative, shopowner, classmate or loved one, they don't seem to tolerate anger along with closeness. They seem to get angry and then totally cut the person out. 

---Why can't they tolerate anger and stay in touch with the person? Is it because of splitting---they see us as all bad and thus push us away?

----THey project this out too----when they think we are mad,, they panic and assume we are going to end the relationship, not realizing we can be angry and love them at the same time

---When the anger goes away, they still sometimes don't pull the person back in, I guess because they haven't got a need for that person yet?

Trying to understand this

[Lou12]

Hey Shantra,

I personally think it depends on the BPD and if they still have a need for you. I honestly do think that this illness is very selfish with most in the sense that what they feel at that moment is all that matters. So on that note and relating to your post... .I think they can be angry and keep you in their life (if they still want you for whatever reason) and be angry and disappear. Whilst I don't dispute they feel certain levels of feelings for leaving a person they left behind I feel it doesn't over power the feelings they have to disappear. Most likely because they just don't want to deal with what they feel, positive or negative.

Have you had any further contact with your ex since he sent you flowers? X

[shatra]

Yes it seems to be related to prrojection and splitting---if they are mad and split us black, they push us away. THey can't pull us back unless they see us as all white.they don't seem to tolerate anger along with closeness. They seem to get angry and then totally cut the person out.  You are right, what they feel at the moment is all that matters to them. And the extreme thoughts also make them see us as all good or all bad "parents".

   Mine seems to have switched me back to white, but has not pulled me back in. I have not heard from him since he sent me flowers.

[MapleBob]

Yes it seems to be related to prrojection and splitting---if they are mad and split us black, they push us away. THey can't pull us back unless they see us as all white.they don't seem to tolerate anger along with closeness. They seem to get angry and then totally cut the person out.

Bingo. My ex has done exactly that to me. She's angry - for some legit reasons, and some 100% self-invented reasons! - and so I'm someone to stay away from, until she gets the time/space to feel ENTIRELY not-angry. Apparently.

[ArleighBurke]

I think it's because they see in black/white - all or nothing. And from what I've read, they are also unable to have 2 emotions in them at the same time.

For example they can't feel both excited about something new, and tentative/worried. Those 2 conflict, so they have to choose 1 of them.

I'd suspect the same for love and annoyance.

[MapleBob]

I think it's because they see in black/white - all or nothing. And from what I've read, they are also unable to have 2 emotions in them at the same time.

For example they can't feel both excited about something new, and tentative/worried. Those 2 conflict, so they have to choose 1 of them.

I'd suspect the same for love and annoyance.

That definitely seems to be the case in my experience. I've heard a lot of "I'm confused/it's confusing". It's not confusing! You love me AND you're angry/hurt/scared/whatever!

[findingmyselfagain]

I'd agree that it's likely the black/white thinking. There were red flags early on but I chose to buy into the love fairy tale. Like one of the articles here says, what we see at the end is more true to who they are. The chaos was there in the beginning, but I didn't see the pattern or focused on the lovey dovey feelings. I genuinely thought we were resolving things and getting closer. Now I think she was hiding her true feelings until she just couldn't... .when we were about to become truly intimate (married).

[butterfly15]

When I reflect back of our "disagreements" this does appear to be a true statement. I never really viewed it that way. Thanks