First thanksgiving ever away from uBPD mom and enDad...

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all,

If you have been following my story, we just moved across the country from my parents where I've been my whole life... .This is the first ever thanksgiving away from them. On one hand I feel guilty because they miss their grandson so much. On the other hand I get angry because she drove me away. I wouldn't have gone to this extreme unless I just couldn't take it anymore. I was always stuck between my husband and my parents. And always paralyzed. No matter what I did, mom was never happy. Maybe for a day or two... .Then back to finding some reason to be upset or dramatic or victimized. I never knew. Always a roller coaster. And my husband is also s strong personality who never understood my situation. Thus all of it messed up my marriage. I had to get away to figure myself out and to figure my marriage out. And all over the place (stupid Facebook) I see these people dedicating posts to their mothers on how thankful they are to them. Common Facebook friends with my mom. And of course I see my mom's comment underneath saying how touched she is to see this daughters feelings for her mom. And then I feel bad. Was it me? Or was it her? But then normal mothers don't compete with their daughters regarding grandkids. Normal mothers don't say "I hope your daughter punishes you the way you punished me!" Or doesn't try to always turn you against anyone you love it it's not her... .Or kick tables and scream and end up in the ER when all u say is "please stop comparing me to other daughters all the time." That was not normal. None of it was... .And yet I feel guilty and question if it was me. I keep seeing pics of my friends whose moms come to help them when they have babies. And I think back to feeling myself cringe when my mom held my son and said he was her whole life... .Was it me? Am I the bad one? Deep down I know I'm not the crazy one... .But these stupid holidays. Still left trying to fix my marriage too if it's even fixable. First time will spend thanksgiving with lots of extended family. I think back to every awkward forced thanksgiving with my parents. You never knew what would happen. Moms moods. Husband getting annoyed... .And I've always wanted to invite friends too but God forbid I ever said that. My mom would turn into martyr queen saying that's fine. You go with your friends. U don't want to spend it with us! Stupid stupid memories... .picking up pieces of my broken life.

[Turkish]

MD,

I hope you and your family are settling in well in the Bay Area (if I recall correctly).

You've distanced yourself, in part to protect your family. The thing is,."no matter where you go, there you are." Distance gives space for healing. I'm sorry that the silly facebook memes are upsetting, but IMO, they are in general silly. Given that the three most significant mothers in my life were and are all mentally ill, the FB memes cause me to 

New state,new stage of life. Can you give yourself mercy (foregiveness for yourself) and space to adjust?

[Sarah girl]

Glad you're away from all that BPD mom chaos and are trying to pick up the pieces. People who don't have BPD moms don't understand the dynamic. Many of my friends have moms who help them all the time and can't understand why my mom's involvement is such a problematic issue.

I think having Thanksgiving with some extended family might give you a new perpective on what it means to spend time with family. Once you remove the element of blame and guilt, it becomes a whole new experince.

I've been LC with my BPD mom for a few months now. At first it felt quite strange. I would spend time with a friend or extended family member, it would be quite pleasant, and then I would wait for the usual fallout of rage, blame and venomous attacks. But the fallout never came. I actually have had to adapt to the absence of the BPD FOG. At first I was just waiting for someone to start blaming and raging at me. I believed that I deserved some kind of rage. It made me anxious all the time. Now I understand that not every relationship has that toxic dynamic. It is possible to have healthy and respectful relationships with people. I hope you get surrounded by people who love and appreciate you for who you are. What we've been living through all these years was far from normal or acceptable even if it was all we knew.

Hopefully, you will start breathing easy. And now that you're away from your mom's grasp, you can concentrate on your marriage. Take the time to bond with your husband and determine where things are between the two of you. You owe it to yourself to have healthy relationships. It will take time but you will let go of the FOG. Painful memories are an everyday thing for me. At least they are memories and not my reality now. I try to work through them but very often, I'm stuck in anger.

You were never the crazy one. Sometimes, fb can be discouraging. Other people have different experiences but that doesn't mean you can't be happy. Let your mom make stupid comments on fb. She will never stop expecting to be put on a pedestal and no amount of affection or trying to please her will ever be enough. Hope you can enjoy your freedom as time goes by.   

[Hopeful_Mom]

This is not the answer for everyone, but I had to deactivate my FB account because every time I was on there I felt terrible. It just wasn't a good thing for me.

[MiserableDaughter]

So today was at giant extended family thanksgiving. Aunts, cousins uncles etc... .Made me more confused. Saw my cousins, all around same age as me (mid 30s) and they are so attached to their moms! Like one of my aunts was joking how my cousin calls her to come stay with her even if she sneezes... .Always needs her mom to help with her 3 kids etc. When she travels her mom comes and stays with my cousins husband to help with the kids... .I can never imagine doing that. And my other cousin... .Her, her husband, baby, and her mother are all going on vacation to Mexico together... .All of this hurts me and confuses me... .How can they have those relationships? Their husbands are also so much more mellow than mine. He's much more easily offended.  And these moms aren't perfect... .But Likeky not BPD. Really bothers and confuses me to see these relationships... .